Being left to grow at their own pace, controversially

[Lollypop]

 

It’s a typical grey Boxing Day here in the UK. I wish you all a peaceful day wherever you are.

Does anybody else feel like I do?

My son28 is like a square peg trying to fit into a system that he’s just not made for. It seems so very unfair. I really have thought about this a lot. It occurs to me that he must have felt extremely isolated in his formative years, knowing that he was different to us, his family. He looked at us and felt “no way am I doing that”. We looked at him and felt “he’s going to ruin his life”.  The tensions increased incrementally as his problems got bigger.

Society’s expectations to conform, behave a certain way, earn a living to pay the bills with the majority of us just getting on with it. BPD are special people (and I truly believe that they are) as they kick back, resist, react to the rigidity of expectation. Our super sensitive grown up children who really are so vulnerable.

My son28 wants to live his life organically. He finds official forms a challenge. In fact, he finds anything formal a challenge He’s a 21st century hippie who struggles with life’s ups and downs. BUT he’s becoming more resilient, more comfortable in his own skin as we leave him to make his decisions at his own pace. He learns by living independently.

This wasn’t my choice. I wanted him in therapy.

When he was living with us, we struggled to keep our patience. As long as we could see him progress we were happy to be involved in the process of him positioning himself where he wanted to be. We all know, with BPD everything is so sloow. We can’t but help “nudge” along - but let’s be honest here - it’s us nudging to what we think is best for them. There’s a silent subtle pressure placed on them and, particularly unavoidable if they live at home. Asking them to behave like an adult while living at home is conflicted. This period was extremely difficult to negotiate now I look back on it. Lots of baby steps.

Having an adult child in your home brings advantages and disadvantages. Likewise if they live in their own place. How best can we get them to gain confidence?

LP .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Asking them to behave like an adult while living at home is conflicted. This period was extremely difficult to negotiate now I look back on it. Lots of baby steps.

When my DD25 came to live with me in April, she said, "I'm afraid it'll be too easy for me to do nothing while I'm living here. I mean, come on, you're my mom, this is my childhood home, I can see myself getting stuck." And that's what I see as happening now. She has very little motivation to change things while she has a warm place to sleep and bills being paid.

At this point in time, I'm not willing to ask her to leave; her options outside of my home are all tragic:

• Live with her xBF in a cockroach infested house along with xBF's mother who is a raging alcoholic with her own mental health issues.
• Move in with an acquaintance, as she has no long-term friends, possibly out of state, with someone she's met on the internet.
• Live on the streets.

As challenging as it is for me to have her living here, it's the best option I can see to help keep my GS4 safe, to give him what he's not had since he was born: A place to live longer than three months. I am his trusted adult and he needs me.

They've been here close to a year and she quit therapy in September. I'm trying to butt-out so she can find her own way. She's so unsure of herself, something I've reinforced by stepping in when she struggles. Now, when she asks, "What do I do?" I try to get her to work out a solution with my feedback rather than give her the answer. The exBF is back in favor and he's eager to answer, "What do I do?" so she looks to him as the authority for her decisions. This also means she has him to blame when things don't go as planned.

As long as we could see him progress we were happy to be involved in the process of him positioning himself where he wanted to be.

I feel this way but am having difficulty seeing any progress, or my version of progress I guess. Yes, I'd like her to get a driver's license, a job, a place of her own. I'm starting to wonder if these things are not attainable for her right now. So what does progress look like for her?

At this moment, I'm working on rebuilding trust (I called CPS on her and she is feeling very betrayed by me), validating her feelings, listening with empathy, etc. I've been wondering lately, though, what's the next step?

I want her to stop yelling in my house. She tells me she's a yeller and won't stop. I'm unwilling to kick her out for this behavior, so where do I go? I understand she will continue to yell until she learns new ways of expressing herself, yet she's not likely to look for new ways.

~ OH

[wendydarling]

I feel like you do Lollypop, thanks for your thoughtful, reflective post. I’m in the alternative boat you speak of, adult 30DD at home, through treatment, worked till end of 2016.

Your son is learning ‘on the job’ by living independently my DD is presently learning ‘through schooling’ of treatment, it’s like she’s continuing the path she knows, she succeeded at school, despite the pain she now talks of, perhaps it’s the safest route for her, it’s structured, she feels she belongs. The point you make it’s their choice, it is, it has to be, if they’re to own it, responsibility.

Society’s expectations to conform, behave a certain way, earn a living to pay the bills with the majority of us just getting on with it. BPD are special people (and I truly believe that they are) as they kick back, resist, react to the rigidity of expectation. Our super sensitive grown up children who really are so vulnerable.

It’s good to talk about the bigger picture, acknowledge how vulnerable they are and also how they can build resilience, I see that in my DD and yes it’s a sloow road, they work at their pace, not ours. I desperately want to see my DD living independently, I want comfort to know she can. I shall have to be patient, she’s yet to get back to work if she’s able to. I also want her to continue in treatment, I’m frustrated it’s taking her a long time to act, she acknowledges she needs ongoing support. And then my frustration melts away, as I acknowledge she’s come a long way, she’s fought hard from being very unwell, it’s a joy to see her happy, laughing, singing, smiling, feeling free. Can she get there to where she needs to be, yep I think she can, in her time, she’ll have to, whatever it looks like. What I do see is my DD able to take more care of her following DBT, she’s able to put herself first and by doing so make some wise choices, decisions, like how to keep herself safe, or step away from situations. Does my DD feel the subtle pressure, my expectations by living at home, probably, I’ve done my best to stand back, just be, let her get on with it but the pressure to nudge, nudge especially at this time of year, new year ahead feels immense. My DD has poor executive control, is that the living organically way of life you describe LP?

How best can we get them to gain confidence?

I guess that people understand their struggles, accept them who they are, they know we are there for them ….

What is imminent, is DD has to reapply for disability benefit by 14 January, this maybe the moment the ‘system’ moves her onto unemployment benefit, accountable for finding work. She had a panic attack when the letter arrived last week.

WDx

[Lollypop]

OH

A place to live longer than three months. I am his trusted adult and he needs me.

Absolutely. I can’t see how you’ve got any other choice right now OH. Your daughter is learning parenting skills from you - I wonder if you feel that’s your number 1 priority?. I read your posts and think WOW, it’s so full on for you. I’m not sure I’d be able to sustain that level as you do. I really admire what you’re doing and how you’re approaching it. I guess we cope with the hand we’re dealt with. How best to reduce the yelling seems to be your issue at the moment and I know you work hard at demonstrating better interaction skills. I hope your daughter learns.

WD

My DD has poor executive control, is that the living organically way of life you describe LP?

Son is getting quite good at planning and organising the day to day stuff. Bigger things like tax and sorting out a new place to live he doesn’t take action on. I used to think it was avoidance. Actually, he prefers to leave it and face the consequences knowing they’ll arrive and he can sort them out then. I know the stress will knock him off balance but he somehow gets through it. Son has a false sense of confidence of problems somehow sorting themselves out naturally. My dad used to ignore problems - yes, you wait and... .eventually they go away. I’m talking about family dramas! I’m so sorry to hear about the panic attack - they’re dreadful to experience. I think, regardless if they’re living with us or away from us - we all are doing our best and there’s no ideal situation. It’s a constant shifting that we try to stay ahead of.

Confidence... .it’s my word for 2019

LP