I used the information to prolong the attachment

[steelwork]

Hi, BPD family. I haven't been coming around lately. (Why is the font so large? I'm sorry--I don't know how to shrink it.) Anyhow, I thought I would check in.

I will confess that I continued checking in on my ex, looking to see where he was living and if he was still with the woman he got together with after me, right up until a few months ago. So that means, on and off, for almost four years. I would lay off for a while, and then I would want to know: was it over yet? At one point they seemed to be living apart, and then a few months ago I saw that they were in a new apartment that happens to be a mile from my sister's house. This was really upsetting to me. Like, WHY? But also, will I see them around? What would that be like, bumping into one or both of them? Then that supplied this whole train of, I guess, fantasy.

Which is to say: I used the information to prolong the attachment.

Since then, I've stopped looking for information on them. I wish I could say that this was me having resolve and engaging in self-care. It's not that. It's aversion to the awful feeling of knowing anything about him and his new life.

About me: I've continued struggling with depression. I continue to process the experience in therapy, and all the other things that went into my participation in the relationship, and the way I've clung to any form of attachment. I don't lack understanding about these things. It's just that I am not very good at gaining balance and control over my mood.

I take an antidepressant, which I've been on for about 20 years, and it's better than NOT being on it, but I've suffered a whole lot even with it. My NP tried me out on an anticonvulsant (sometimes used for bipolar and also unipolar depression), and it was helping, I think--I felt like I was on a more even keel--though it's hard to tell, since it's up and down with me. But then I had a reaction and had to stop taking it. That was really a bummer. I'm going to try a folate supplement, see if that helps. There's some science behind it.

I'm also about 6 months sober. I wasn't a raging alcoholic, but I was drinking steadily and pretty much daily to deal with sadness and loneliness. I decided that I couldn't afford to have that in my life, with my ongoing mood struggles, so I cut it out. Which I'm sure on balance is good, but of course it leaves me a lot more time sitting with reality.

I understand that I'm dealing with trauma, and it's not going to just fade with time. Trauma isn't like that. I'm not saying the relationship was the original source of trauma; more like, it fed into and reactivated a lot of trauma. (I'm told I have complex PTSD. Crazy childhood.) So I'm just, as they say in my 12-step program, trying to do the next right thing every day.

Anyhow, I just wanted to say hi and say where I'm at. There are some new faces and some old faces here on the boards, but you are all my people.

[gotbushels]

steelwork   

[... .] I continued checking in on my ex [... .] This was really upsetting to me. Like, WHY? [... .]Then that supplied this whole train of, I guess, fantasy.

I know a bit of what this is like. I'll share that I did glance at my ex's social media, from time to time. It didn't bother me so much because I suppose I saw that she was struggling too, and the other perspective was that I was blessed with a shortcut of getting what I 'wanted'--then I saw that checking her social media didn't give me much benefit.

Very much a yes, I got what I came for, it does feel good, I do feel a bit remorseful that I did that, and I understand that I probably did that because I was missing the other half of my enmeshed relationship. I don't think I'm a bad person for having done it, I'm not pleased with the schadenfreude, and I understand the reasons for it--and I don't think you're a bad person for having done it either.

I suppose it upsets us if any ex is doing seemingly better at a relationship without us--because the pessimistic implication is that the 'issues' were with us. I understand that much, and I do think that self-questioning that comes naturally to us allows us to move forward in healthier self-improving ways--but comes with the uncertainty of how much was 'our deal'. What helps me is to look up what my issues were, what my partner's issues were (I wrote a lot of these down, margins of books, files, etc.) and to let the feeling pass.

I will share with you that people who aren't depressed also go through this stuff. No worries.   

[Turkish]

Hi steelwork, glad you checked in 

Good point about trauma,  and interesting observing that it goes way back.  I'm glad you're still working on it. 

[steelwork]

Hi, Turkish and gotbushels! Yeah, working on it. I don't feel like I've had any huge breakthroughs, but I'm able to be a little easier on myself.

[Insom]

Nice check-in post, steelwork. 

I hear that none of this is easy and that you're struggling with depression.  At the same time, it sounds you've got a responsive helper on your side (NP) and that things are moving in a positive direction.  I hadn't heard about the folate/depression link and am interested to hear how that goes for you.

It's been a few days since you started this thread.  How's your week going?

(Yay for six months sober, by the way!) 

[steelwork]

Well, yes and no. The anticonvulsant was a good idea... .but she took rather a while to even return my call when I left a message about swelling lips. And then she told me to stop taking it, but she didn't have any follow-up suggestions. I'm in a pretty bad hole, and looking for another provider.

My week has been pretty rocky so far. Crying jags, nightmares... .you know.