Realistic expectations of DBT?

[DorothyWife]

Hi everyone,

New here. I'm coming for support and information about DBT, but I guess I'll start with a little about me? My husband and I have been together for 17 years, since we were teenagers (first loves) but he has only recently been diagnosed with BPD. For the past year or so, he's really become someone I feel like I don't know. Our relationship has always been a rollercoaster (and tbh I now wish we would've parted ways a long time ago), but the "splitting" and viciousness feels very new. This year, he also developed fibromyalgia and episodes of psychosis (auditory and visual hallucinations, for which he's now medicated), so of course it's probably all related. He also left his job and applied for disability, and I am a stay at home mom/work-from-homer, so we are together *all the time*, and it has become a waking nightmare.

We have two small children -- a one year old and a three year old. The way his "episodes" and the constant conflict and anger in our house is affecting them is the reason why we are now on the verge of divorce.

Which brings me to my question ----

My husband just started DBT a couple weeks ago. He's had two sessions with a one-on-one counselor, and he begins the group portion at the end of January. However, in the meantime, his episodes are now happening frequently and lasting around four days at a time. We have more bad days than good, and today he is "splitting" and is not trying the coping skills he and his therapist have discussed so far. I want to give him the chance to get better, and that's always been my goal, but honestly, I just don't think that I can keep living like this. While not physically violent, he is incredibly cruel and verbally/emotionally abusive toward me. He acts this way in front of our children. My children see his behavior and are afraid of him and refuse to be left alone with him for any amount of time.

If I thought he was REALLY trying, I don't think I'd feel so hopeless. But then I think, realistically, how much can I expect him to try when he still hasn't had that much opportunity to learn skills yet?

I'm probably co-dependent. I probably make more excuses for him than I should. But I also hate to end a 17 year relationship and leave the father of my children (who used to be a GREAT father, and who I still believe has the potential to be) if there's any hope.

So how will I know when it's time to leave? What are realistic expectations with DBT? How soon can it help? How soon SHOULD it help?

Sorry to be pouring my heart out here, but I feel so broken by this, and if anyone could possibly understand, I'm imagining it might be the people in this group. :'(

I am so sorry for any of you who are in this same boat. It is certainly not a fun place to be. <3

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am so sorry for what brings you here but I am glad you found us and posted.  We do understand here as many of us are dealing with similar situations.

I do know it takes time for the DBT skills to be learned and used effectively.  In the meantime though, you can do things at your end to improve things for you including some of the communication tools we offer here.  Often times we can say things that are interpreted as invalidating rather than as supportive as we intend for example.  I don't know if that applies to you but I thought I would mention it.  Many of us benefit and improve our situations by changing the way we talk with our pwBPD (people with BPD).  A lot of this stuff is not intuitive.

Have you had a chance to read and look around the site?  Are you in therapy for support for yourself? 

As you share more we will be able to advise and support you better.