Interesting text from my uncle

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So, I have been NC with my BPD/sociopathic father's family since my father kicked me out at 19, went pretty scary psycho stalker, and even the relatives I liked in the family could not see this was all very wrong.  So, since about February 1997, aside from a very few sporadic contacts in the intervening years, I've kept myself protected emotionally (and otherwise) by maintaining as much distance as you can in a rural area of conglomerated small towns.

I'm also NC with my BPD mother, and most of her family is long deceased.  NC is just safer for me.  It's too easy for me to fall back into enmeshment, to assume my old roles.  

About 2014, the aunt I liked the most, who honestly tried to be nice to me, but sadly I could not trust to keep a darn thing confidential, died after years of issues with COPD and loss of her lungs from years and years of being a chain smoker.  I'd stopped talking to her partly because she kept telling my dad the location of any new apartment I'd get.  My dad is scary.
He seems "normal" calm, and almost charming, but I remember a boogeyman who'd beat me as a toddler, leaving me wearing long sleeves and pants in summers to hide the bruises, and then mostly shifted to emotional manipulation and psychological abuse and neglect when his employer (the Army) learned he was beating his wife and child and forced him into some kind of therapy (part of why I feel dicey about therapy myself).    

I wanted to go to the funeral, but stayed away, knowing my father would be there, and that he'd enjoy quietly prodding me into an emotional confrontation, and I did not want that to be what people remembered.  I sent flowers, instead, and haven't heard from my uncle or cousins at all.

My uncle is now getting remarried, and managed to contact me asking if I'd like some of the photos he has - he needs to clear out space to combine households with his soon to be wife.  It was a nice enough convo, I congratulated him, told him I'd see how much space I have for anything I'd accept, and asked by when he'd need to know.

Then, right before Christmas, he messaged me asking how my father's 3rd wife is doing.  Apparently, she is in the hospital.  I just asked him if he was aware I'd not spoken to my stepmother since I was kicked out in 1997, and that she'd made no efforts to contact me, smooth things over, nothing?   So while I did not wish her harm, I had no idea and frankly not a lot of concern?  He was surprised somehow?  I told him I felt it was best to avoid contact with a man who used to threaten murder-suicide to me and my mother, and that I did not run away from home to go drink, do drugs and party (which is what most of my cousins have done).  I went to college on my own with a full scholarship, graduated cum laude, and have been working full time ever since.  I have had one boyfriend my whole life (and yes, my now husband also has BPD, but he stood with me when my dad disowned me) and have not had a string of out of wedlock children to drug addicts like my cousin from another aunt.  

I have never known what my father said to the rest of the family after I gave up on them ever understanding.  That family's disordered thinking is part of what made my father the person he is.  They think the dysfunction is normal, and how you are supposed to behave.  My uncle, who had been involved in that family since he was a teenager himself, dating my aunt, could just say, "yeah, there's a lot of anger issues in that family."  I said, "No, it's mental illness.  They are emotionally unstable and hurtful."

My uncle said he was proud of me for taking care of myself, for doing things on my own, and that he'd recently had to cut off his own adult kids - he'd been supporting two households in addition to his own for about 7+ years. One of his sons was a coyote apparently, smuggling drugs and illegals into Texas, went to federal prison so finding jobs and keeping jobs is not easy, and the other somehow has PTSD so does not work (not sure from where, unless the family caused it) so his wife who also does not work, plus 3 kids, and himself, have all just been depending on my uncle to support all of them.  

Anyway, he just seemed surprised I was not in contact with my father or stepmother, more surprised why, and it felt good to flatly state it, and I guess answers my questions a little about what has been thought of me through the years.  I think I was just "she-we-will-not-speak-of", avoided and ignored as a topic, and it was assumed I ran off to be wild like all the other kids in my generation.  

[isilme]

So, I have been NC with my BPD/sociopathic father's family since my father kicked me out at 19, went pretty scary psycho stalker, and even the relatives I liked in the family could not see this was all very wrong.  So, since about February 1997, aside from a very few sporadic contacts in the intervening years, I've kept myself protected emotionally (and otherwise) by maintaining as much distance as you can in a rural area of conglomerated small towns.

I'm also NC with my BPD mother, and most of her family is long deceased.  NC is just safer for me.  It's too easy for me to fall back into enmeshment, to assume my old roles.  

About 2014, the aunt I liked the most, who honestly tried to be nice to me, but sadly I could not trust to keep a darn thing confidential, died after years of issues with COPD and loss of her lungs from years and years of being a chain smoker.  I'd stopped talking to her partly because she kept telling my dad the location of any new apartment I'd get.  My dad is scary.
He seems "normal" calm, and almost charming, but I remember a boogeyman who'd beat me as a toddler, leaving me wearing long sleeves and pants in summers to hide the bruises, and then mostly shifted to emotional manipulation and psychological abuse and neglect when his employer (the Army) learned he was beating his wife and child and forced him into some kind of therapy (part of why I feel dicey about therapy myself).    

I wanted to go to the funeral, but stayed away, knowing my father would be there, and that he'd enjoy quietly prodding me into an emotional confrontation, and I did not want that to be what people remembered.  I sent flowers, instead, and haven't heard from my uncle or cousins at all.

My uncle is now getting remarried, and managed to contact me asking if I'd like some of the photos he has - he needs to clear out space to combine households with his soon to be wife.  It was a nice enough convo, I congratulated him, told him I'd see how much space I have for anything I'd accept, and asked by when he'd need to know.

Then, right before Christmas, he messaged me asking how my father's 3rd wife is doing.  Apparently, she is in the hospital.  I just asked him if he was aware I'd not spoken to my stepmother since I was kicked out in 1997, and that she'd made no efforts to contact me, smooth things over, nothing?   So while I did not wish her harm, I had no idea and frankly not a lot of concern?  He was surprised somehow?  I told him I felt it was best to avoid contact with a man who used to threaten murder-suicide to me and my mother, and that I did not run away from home to go drink, do drugs and party (which is what most of my cousins have done).  I went to college on my own with a full scholarship, graduated cum laude, and have been working full time ever since.  I have had one boyfriend my whole life (and yes, my now husband also has BPD, but he stood with me when my dad disowned me) and have not had a string of out of wedlock children to drug addicts like my cousin from another aunt.  

I have never known what my father said to the rest of the family after I gave up on them ever understanding.  That family's disordered thinking is part of what made my father the person he is.  They think the dysfunction is normal, and how you are supposed to behave.  My uncle, who had been involved in that family since he was a teenager himself, dating my aunt, could just say, "yeah, there's a lot of anger issues in that family."  I said, "No, it's mental illness.  They are emotionally unstable and hurtful."

My uncle said he was proud of me for taking care of myself, for doing things on my own, and that he'd recently had to cut off his own adult kids - he'd been supporting two households in addition to his own for about 7+ years. One of his sons was a coyote apparently, smuggling drugs and illegals into Texas, went to federal prison so finding jobs and keeping jobs is not easy, and the other somehow has PTSD so does not work (not sure from where, unless the family caused it) so his wife who also does not work, plus 3 kids, and himself, have all just been depending on my uncle to support all of them.  

Anyway, he just seemed surprised I was not in contact with my father or stepmother, more surprised why, and it felt good to flatly state it, and I guess answers my questions a little about what has been thought of me through the years.  I think I was just "she-we-will-not-speak-of", avoided and ignored as a topic, and it was assumed I ran off to be wild like all the other kids in my generation.