Saying Hello, A Re-Introduction

[Depression = 72% of members]

 
Just stopping by for some support.  I have visited the BPD Forums in the past, a few posts and a couple replies.  I have read alot more than I have contributed to.  It is mostly to get validation for what I suffer thru several times a year with my uBPDm. 

I am back.  I have had another episode where I have been attacked for having my own thoughts aside from mom's and have not allowed her to drag me into a triangulation rant about my soon-to-be 9 year old son.  She wants to begin demonizing him and point out flaws in him and drag me into a dramatic conversation about how he is less than desirable and shaming me into being embarrased about my own son whom I love dearly and is just a normal, imperfect human being and most importantly a child. 

I told her I would not participate in discussing with her talking trash about my son.  I chose him and always will.  This thru her into a rage whereby she is now demanding my step-dad stop communicating, denouncing any involvement with my son and myself, disinvited herself from my son's upcoming birthday party and disinherited me (again).  I laugh at being disinherited as it happens at least twice a year with varying degrees of intensity.

A statement that she made via text was very eye-opening.  She said that 'everyone thinks my child is selfish'.  The everyone's she is referring to are a gaggle of females that she gossips with.  These women have either 1. never met my son or 2. had very limited contact with him.  So, in essence, the label she has placed on my son is one of her own making.  She is talking about my young son in a way that creates friction, drama and overall just malice.  That was my deciding factor that I truly do not want a relationship with her anymore.  I mean, correct me if I am wrong, but isn't shaming a small child and his mother just evil?

I have said many, many MANY times that I don't want her in my life.  I want it to stick.  I want to heal and move forward.  I know I should probably see a therapist (don't have the $$ right now).  But what are some ways that any of you out there have learned to heal, coped with going no contact and forged ahead to build a better relationship than the one you had with your own mom.

Thanks in advance.

[chronsweet]

 
Just stopping by for some support.  I have visited the BPD Forums in the past, a few posts and a couple replies.  I have read alot more than I have contributed to.  It is mostly to get validation for what I suffer thru several times a year with my uBPDm. 

I am back.  I have had another episode where I have been attacked for having my own thoughts aside from mom's and have not allowed her to drag me into a triangulation rant about my soon-to-be 9 year old son.  She wants to begin demonizing him and point out flaws in him and drag me into a dramatic conversation about how he is less than desirable and shaming me into being embarrased about my own son whom I love dearly and is just a normal, imperfect human being and most importantly a child. 

I told her I would not participate in discussing with her talking trash about my son.  I chose him and always will.  This thru her into a rage whereby she is now demanding my step-dad stop communicating, denouncing any involvement with my son and myself, disinvited herself from my son's upcoming birthday party and disinherited me (again).  I laugh at being disinherited as it happens at least twice a year with varying degrees of intensity.

A statement that she made via text was very eye-opening.  She said that 'everyone thinks my child is selfish'.  The everyone's she is referring to are a gaggle of females that she gossips with.  These women have either 1. never met my son or 2. had very limited contact with him.  So, in essence, the label she has placed on my son is one of her own making.  She is talking about my young son in a way that creates friction, drama and overall just malice.  That was my deciding factor that I truly do not want a relationship with her anymore.  I mean, correct me if I am wrong, but isn't shaming a small child and his mother just evil?

I have said many, many MANY times that I don't want her in my life.  I want it to stick.  I want to heal and move forward.  I know I should probably see a therapist (don't have the $$ right now).  But what are some ways that any of you out there have learned to heal, coped with going no contact and forged ahead to build a better relationship than the one you had with your own mom.

Thanks in advance.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome back.  It really has been a while!   

Gossiping about your son and trying to shame him is a deal breaker isn't it?  I am glad you drew the line there. 

I know I should probably see a therapist (don't have the $$ right now).  But what are some ways that any of you out there have learned to heal, coped with going no contact and forged ahead to build a better relationship than the one you had with your own mom.

Therapy helps if you can get it but it is possible to do a lot of the work on your own.  I did quite a bit of work here before getting back in therapy. 

Posting here, not just when you are in crisis but to explore the past and talk about how you are feeling (angry, hurt, confused, happy, whatever) is a great thing to do.  We support each other here and share what works for us and challenege one another as well.  All of that is done with compassion, understanding and a desire to pass on all the help and knowledge we have received over time.

You can also check out the Survivors Guide which is a list of 'steps' involved in the healing process.  It can help you focus and gives an idea of how to approach healing.  It is quite beneficial and lots of us here have followed it.   Towards the bottom of the post with the steps listed there is a place to download the Survivor to Thriver Manual : The transformative journey from victim, to survivor, to thriver.  Both are a great resource to use while working on this board.

Thoughts?

[chronsweet]

Harri,
Thanks so much for your reply.  It means a lot to have someone to listen and respond.  Response on BPD Family seem a little in short supply at times.  It does feel nice to be acknowledged as I need a lot of acknowledgement to not feel crazy that I feel so awful about my mom treating me like this.  If I talk about going no contact with her, people sometimes make a comment such as, 'well she is your mom and you have to learn to deal with her.'  I don't think they truly understand how painful having a mother with BPD can be.  And I do not have to deal with someone who repeatedly abuses me.
And yes, talking about my son is a deal breaker for me.  I am thankful that I did not pick up my mom's BPD traits and raise my own child in fear.   The most important thing for me to do in raising my son has always been to let him have his own identity, to value his opinion, to show him compassion and to accept that he is just a child trying to learn how to identify in this world.  That was never given to me, ever.  My mom has in-so-much as stated that she owns my thoughts, i have to like who she likes and feel how she feels.  Therein lies our problems and causes much friction.  I have held onto the traits of always trying to take the path of least resistance, to let her tell me what she thinks and to break down my barriers in many aspects, but some I do hold steadfast to.  The most steadfast moral I hold to is that I treat my son with respect.  When he was a toddler she told me I needed to basically hit him to teach him lessons.  "If you would have hit him as a kid, he wouldn't touch so much stuff." Well, I think, it is good to touch things and to want to know how they feel and see how to maneuver them.  It doesn't bother me. When he struck out at his cousin at 2.5, you should have taught him a lesson.  He should have known better.   She still brings this up 6.5 years later about her grandson who was a toddler at the time.  And she says this after hitting my step-dad in the head, scratching at him, breaking things, hitting my sister-in-law in the face, hitting and pinching my niece, pinching my cheeks when I was a kid,  verbally assaulting me my entire life, verbally assaulting my niece on a daily basis (she cares for my niece).  So a grown adult who has temper tantrum style meltdowns that become violent want to shame a kid for hitting his cousin when he was 2.5 years old.  From all the kids I have known in existence, there is some sort of squabbling.  You tell them not to do it, put them on a time out and move on with life. 
Although I don’t feel like I have BPD, I most certainly have been affected by very low self-esteem in my personal relationships, feel unable to express myself in friendships, I feel timid to strike out and make friends for fear of being disliked or ridiculed.  It sounds good to learn how to deal and cope with this and I will look at the materials on the site and the guide.  I feel like I need reassurance that I can get thru this, that I am not alone in my struggles.  I need validation that the struggles I go thru with my mom are not normal, moms are not supposed to be like this, there is such a thing as unconditional love.  I feel unconditional love for my son and I can say with clarity that I have never belittled him, shamed him, ridiculed him, been unsupportive of him, told him he was anything but the most important part of my love.  I can FEEL the love between us, so I guess even though I am an emotional wreck in my own struggles with gaining an identity separate from my mother, I have succeeded in not raising a child on her terms, but mine.  I want to know it is going to be ok.  I want to know it is not cruel to live 2 minutes from my mom and never attempt a relationship with her again.  I want to know that going no contact is going to bring me peace.
I feel like I am all over the place here.  Thanks for letting me vent.
Any feedback is truly appreciated.  I really need some support at this time.

[Harri]

 

Although I don’t feel like I have BPD, I most certainly have been affected by very low self-esteem in my personal relationships, feel unable to express myself in friendships, I feel timid to strike out and make friends for fear of being disliked or ridiculed.

A lot of us can relate to this so you definitely are not alone.   

I feel like I need reassurance that I can get thru this, that I am not alone in my struggles.  I need validation that the struggles I go thru with my mom are not normal, moms are not supposed to be like this, there is such a thing as unconditional love.

  You definitely can get through this.  Many of us have or are in the process of doing so.  The fact that you struggle dealing with your mom is normal though how she behaves and some of the things she says and does are not normal.  Anyone would struggle with these issues so please don't get down on yourself. 

Knowing the above and seeing it comes in part from allowing yourself to be open to new possibilities and from reading and participating in other posts here.  Seriously.  Seeing someone struggle with something similar to what you are going through and being able to show them sympathy and validate them help you to give the same to yourself.   The circumstances may be different but the emotions are usually very similar. 

I get the feeling you would be pretty good at it too.     In spite of what you dealt with growing up you were able to let your son grow up and be free to be himself and you see and love him for who he is.  That is pretty darn spectacular!

I want to know it is going to be ok.  I want to know it is not cruel to live 2 minutes from my mom and never attempt a relationship with her again.  I want to know that going no contact is going to bring me peace.

Things will be okay.  Healing takes hard work and can be painful but it is empowering and freeing and also exciting too.   It is not cruel to protect yourself and your loved ones from abuse.  It is a good healthy thing to do.

As for no contact bringing you peace?  I can't answer that for you as it is different for everyone.  Each relationship status has its pros and cons but I can tell you that you will not always feel as badly as you do now.

Thoughts?

[chronsweet]

Really, my thoughts are kind of blurred.  When I get any kind of validation that what I experienced was real, I shed big crocodile tears and feel a release of pressure and pain.  It hurts but feels good to know that it is real even though I know it is real.

When I think back on my childhood, it is marred in a black cloud that is hard to see through.  I sometimes feel kind of empty when I think about my history and roots.  I don't have a lot of friends, and I hate that because I actually love people.  I associate with men better than women, I am kind of afraid of women and it makes me cry thinking about that.  As a young kid, I had a few friends that would come over.  I don't remember a lot of spending the night at my house.  I remember a flash of a little girl that I played with, D, that came over often.  Sometimes, my mom would SCREAM and say long strewn together sentences of cuss words.  This friend, D, heard this one day and went to the garage and covered her ears and was in shock, literal shock, over the way my mom was acting.  I have never seen someone spew out such a vehement rage in my life, to date.  Meaning, just always if she doesn't get her way.

And as an adult, now I know why.  I go thru semi-long periods of no contact and I have to go thru these torrential floods of all the times I have been hurt by this woman.  My son, tonight, sees me crying and I let him know why.  Not in a mean/shameful/bashing way towards my mom.  But he knows she is hurtful.  He has experienced it, seen me experience it, seen almost everyone experience it.  So, how can I lie?  I think, in my head, that really it is better if he stops getting to know her any further.  It seems the older a person becomes, the more independent thoughts a person has, the more outrageous and full of spite she becomes towards that person. 

I find myself comparing my faults against hers, and just hoping beyond hope, that I haven't picked up some wicked flaw of someone who I have seen such a dark side of for so long.  There are certainly times when things are OK with us.  She can be giving and she can seem to have fun sometimes.  This makes it all the more hard and painful for some reason.  I know the feeling but can't express it in words.  Maybe it is the constant waiting for the evil cloud to fall over.  It is like the smallest, more inconsequential thing can set her off and it is so unexpected.  It ruins the day, a few days, sometimes a week or more. 

But I know I am worth looking after for myself.  I know I will be OK.  I just want to be strong enough to stay away.  To find strength to stay away.  To do it out of love for myself and not out of spite or malice, but just to be at peace.  I want to be around healthy-minded people. 

I feel like this is enough of a rant.  I thank anyone in advance for taking the time to read all that. 


Sometimes I don't understand why God put me in the care of such a cruel mother. 

[Sunshine78]

I feel like I could have written your whole post!  You’re definitely not alone!  My husband and I are trying to figure out what to do with our relationship with my parents at this time.  There is no doubt that our relationship is not healthy.  They have decided that they’re not willing to put in any effort to make any changes!  Yet, I feel sick with guilt about walking away... .  my reasons I feel are justified.  My own mental health takes a beating trying to keep peace with my mother.  But that guilt... .lingering, did I try hard enough, is there something else I could to reach her, make her hear me? 
I don’t think I’m holding onto anger anymore, just a sadness... .  one thing is clear you have used your upbringing to do better for your son!  Be happy that you can be the mother for him, that you deserved!  I hope you find the peace you’re looking for
And know, you’re not alone!

[chronsweet]

They have decided that they’re not willing to put in any effort to make any changes!

I know this all to well.  My mother almost NEVER apologizes to me.  Instead, she justifies how she treats me.  I deserve it in her eyes and she is not in the wrong for expressing to me and the whole world how she is right and I am wrong. 
 
It is nice to know I am not alone.  Thanks for saying hi and showing your support.  I hope you feel better as well.