Therapy session

[Akita]

So I went with my wife to a session with her new therapist.  She has been seeing her for 6 months and this was my first session.  I told her therapist about how much she sleeps and doesn't help with any house chores or our son.  My wife says I was exaggerating and is quite upset.  The therapist started by offering to have me come to every other session we negotiated down to every 6 weeks.  How can I attend sessions without upsetting my wife?  She says I will have nothing to talk about or I'll just make up lies.  I want my attendance to be helpful to my wife when currently it just seems to anger her.  What can I do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Purplex]

Hi Akita!

Maybe try framing your concerns differently. I-messages and wishes instead of accusations can go a long way. There is nothing wrong with using communication skills in a couples-therapy session. This is probably what the therapist is aiming for anyway.

I told her therapist about how much she sleeps and doesn't help with any house chores or our son.

How could you adress the same issues using S.E.T.?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

[Notgoneyet]

Akita ,
  I FEEL your frustration. I've made those same type statements/ complaints (how can the truth hurt ? I always thought) however it never ends well.  I've been going to MC / T sessions with my uBPDw for years now. She can't drive (5yrs)so I'm there anyway. She is just now getting more used to talking to the T on her own . Never liked going in on her own in the past ( Shame, Fear, Distrust ). Many times I just sit in & say very little myself . I let the T guide the session. She always asks me a few things & I stay away from blame & judgement in my answers. Lately she's(T) been helping me practice good validation skills as they Do Not come natural to me.
   Is the new T experienced in BPD ?  We've been though 4-5 that, were not ,in the past & our current was night & day difference from day 1. She GETS IT too!
   Stick with it , Hope & Healing NGY

[Akita]

The new therapist was trained by Marsha herself with the DBT therapy so she is highly qualified.  I don't know why she just let me know of vent.  She did try to get my wife involved by asking her questions and tapping her on the leg with her foot so she would look at her.  My wife really struggles with eye contact.  This is her 5th therapist in 4 years.  She really seems to like this therapist though she is still upset over how the session with me went.  She has been texting her therapist but she hasn't responded to any of her complaints which is also making her angry.  So do you think I should do more listening and less talking?  I will also look into the the set skill as maybe I didn't phrase my concerns the best way.  What should I ask the therapist?  I just want to know how to be better in sessions so I can be helpful to my BPDw instead of making her more frustrated.  Thank you for any suggestions!

[Purplex]

So do you think I should do more listening and less talking?

From reading your posts you seem very eager to help your wife and make a change for the better as soon as possible. But it feels like your wife is struggelig to keep up the pace with your good intentions. Maybe it would help to take a step back and see what pace she is comfortable with. Listening and giving her space to express herself is definitely a great way to find out what she needs and how you can support her.
Does this sound reasonable?

If you are interested, feel free to post how you would adress the sleep issue (or any other issue) using S.E.T., so we can discuss it together.

[Akita]

I'm not sure I understand set enough to apply it to my situation.  She gets exhausted from work and just wants to sleep and I believe depression is driving some of the sleepiness.  It is also possible that she is taking her Xanax two at a time instead of one like she is prescribed.  How do u think I could apply set?  Any help is greatly appreciated!

[Purplex]

Yes the tools can be a bit overwhelming and it can be hard to get a grasp on how to implement them so let me guide you through S.E.T. with the sleep issue.
 
S stands for Support, so your first statement should be tailored towards expressing your support and your wish to help. For example:
“I am worried about you and want to help you feel better.”

E stands for Empathy. Here you can communicate that you understand her and validate her feelings. For example:
“I can see that work is very exhausting for you and I understand that you need sleep to recover.”

T stands for Truth. Here you can address the problem in an objective but honest way:
“But I can’t handle the chores alone and I need your support to care for our son. Can you help me find a solution to this?”

Remember, this is just an example. It’s important that you personalize the message so that it doesn’t come across as overly artificial or rehearsed.
What do you think?  

[Akita]

I think that sounds very reasonable.  I should acknowledge that she is actually exhausted.  I should ask her to help in a compassionate manner.  I guess I just need to realize that she will never be everything I want.  She was different when we first dated.  She didn't even self harm as severely.  I'm just so deflated because she has spiralled so far in 6 years of marriage.  Is there any way this SET can help me reduce her need to self harm?  Or help keep her from getting upset and isolating herself?  Thank u so much for your help and responses.

[Purplex]

I should acknowledge that she is actually exhausted.  I should ask her to help in a compassionate manner.

Yes exactly. S.E.T. is for communiciating issues in an understanding and empathetic way, so that the situation is less likely to escalate.

I guess I just need to realize that she will never be everything I want.

I think this is an important realization for every relationship not just BPD. Nobody is able to always accomodate their partners needs. People change. Relationship dynamics change. And once the honeymoon phase is over new issues may arise and we may need to adjust our expectations. Accepting our partner as he or she is right now can  release a lot of pressure for both sides. This doesn't mean you have to let go of your needs and wishes. But it does mean that they are only achievable in cooperation wit your partner. And since our partner has their own needs and wishes - which may not be in line with ours - we often have to find a compromise. This is why honest and respectful communication is so important. Redefining your expectations and treading a new path together can be a great opportunity to grow as a person and as couple.

Is there any way this SET can help me reduce her need to self harm?  Or help keep her from getting upset and isolating herself?

S.E.T. is not the right tool for that. Self harm is a disfunctional behavior used to regulate negative emotions, to release pressure. This is something that is better adressed in therapy, where she can learn skills to handle her emotions differently and release pressure in a less harmful way. What you can do is listen with empathy by trying to put yourself in her shoes. Try to understand what she is feeling, how her reality looks like. Having somebody who really listens without judging or accusations can be very relieving in itself.
You could take a look at this page for a deeper understanding of empathetic listening https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy. Especially the empathy skills could be helpful.

Feel free to share your thoughts!