I know I need to leave my marriage

[littleblondie]

Hi everyone, basically I’m sure my hubby has BPD, he has not had any assessment yet to be diagnosed. He is lovely to
me 90% of the time. However he gets bad rages and they have been worse the last two months since he lost his job. In the last 7 weeks he has shouted f*ck you’ to me then slammed doors, punched things. He has also head butted doors (seems to be more to self harm but it scares me). He also said f*ck you to me via text when I offered to ring the crisis team. He has also been threatening suicide and making out that it’s for my own good, to make me happy, as he can’t.

When he isn’t like this he is lovely! Caring, kind, tells me he loves me, tickles me to make me laugh, breakfast in bed. I am beginning to realise tho that I’m being emotionally abused. I don’t think it’s intentional I just think he is genuinely in severe psychological pain.

I am coming to the concludion that I should end the marriage eventually (maybe in a few months time). I realise I was happier before I even met him! I am terrified tho that he will commit suicide. This is the man I love, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, have kids with him. I’m not strong enough to leave him. I have started seeing a therapist of my own to see if that’s helps. If our marriage ended my hubby would have almost nothing (practically speaking). He has no job, no money what so ever, loads of debt and he lives in my house so he wouldn’t even have a place to live. He has friends and family of course who he could stay with but I don’t think he would want to.

My husband is so dependent on me for everything. As far as he’s concerned I am everything to him. We had 5 miscarriage in the last 18 months so the way he will see it my leaving will also take away his chance to be a father. I don’t know what to do.

Plus I can’t get him the psychological help he needs. We have been waiting for 4 months already for him to see a psychologist and they said it’ll be another two to three months. I had the crisis team out a few weeks ago but even they can’t bring the appointment forward. He says he tried to commit suicide a few weeks ago. We live in the uk so it’s NHS treatment we are waiting for. I would make a private appointment with a psychiatrist for him but I can’t afford it, I have next to no money left.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm glad you have found us in the midst of such a troubling episode in your life.  You have found a place that is full of people that "get it".  We have experienced the radical mood swings.

I'm so sorry about the miscarriages.  Please be kind to yourself through all of this.

I believe we have several members that live in the UK and are familiar with the medical system there.  I hope they can give you some pointers.  It sounds like you are trying to be proactive.

Others will be along soon.  What do you do to take care of yourself?  Many times the best thing we can do for our pwBPD (people with BPD) is to make sure we care for ourselves.

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

Hi, littleblondie! I'd like to join formflier in saying welcome to the family!

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

When he isn’t like this he is lovely! Caring, kind, tells me he loves me, tickles me to make me laugh, breakfast in bed. I am beginning to realise tho that I’m being emotionally abused. I don’t think it’s intentional I just think he is genuinely in severe psychological pain.

This, in particular, stood out to me in your post. My H is similar. When he's on stable ground, he's considerate, affectionate, loving. When he's dysregulating, though, he's emotionally and verbally abusive. I, too, don't believe those times are intentional. It seems to be pain and poor coping mechanisms.

I do hope you're able to find ways to care for yourself so that you can "replenish."

I'm not familiar with healthcare in the UK so I can't help there, but is there a particular area of your relationship that seems to cause the most trouble right now? Something that tends to really set him off? Sometimes zeroing in on one subject can make an overwhelming situation a little more manageable and we might be able to help!

[littleblondie]

Thank you both for your replies. I take care of myself by seeing my friends regularly I guess. The only problem is I don’t tell most of them what’s going on because I don’t want them to dislike my hubby. As a result when I’m with them I feellule im just acting, pretending things are ok. I have one friend who I talk to about it, plus my sister, but no one else. I have recently started seeing a counsellor.

As for what sets things off between me and my husband... sometimes it could be sex. If he doesnt get that affection that he craves he feels very abandoned. Often it’s money issues that get my hubby get depressed. He has no job now and loads of debt. When another bill arrives that causes him to become very low. Up until now I’ve helped him with bills but I can’t do it anymore. This is because I don’t want to do it anymore as I think I’ve been enabling him plus the fact i have little money left to give him.

[Ozzie101]

It's not unusual for sex to be an issue in any relationship, really. But it certainly was in mine. Physical intimacy is my H's "love language" so when we didn't have sex as often, he felt abandoned. Yet, when he was in a phase of dysregulation, I didn't feel attracted to him and my sex drive plummeted. Things did improve in that regard after we talked about it and agreed to make that more of a priority. I also, on the advice of members here, started making more effort to just touch him occasionally -- squeeze his hand, give him a peck on the cheek. It did make a difference. But, then, it's not something you should force yourself to do if you're not feeling it.

On the money front, is he attempting to find a job? Is he a reckless spender? Reckless spending is often a symptom of BPD so I'm just curious. And, no, you shouldn't have to keep rescuing him. That's enabling and doesn't really do him any favors as it just encourages him to keep up the behavior and expect you to rescue him. That's a good area to set boundaries. Have you checked out this tool?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries