Boundaries to enforce between my mom and my kids

[SpeedyHare]

Hi everyone,

I can't begin to express the amount of relief I have had since understanding my mom has BPD. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me because none of my friends had this claustrophobic, belittling and critical relationship with their moms. My brother and I have distanced ourselves from her in different ways (he moved thousands miles away and hardly ever speaks with my mom, and I simply don't share anything personal with her). This has helped, but she and my dad are looking to move to where my husband and I live post residency (he is an EM doc), and I know there will be issues with boundaries for my kids.

I still struggle with a lack of confidence, blaming myself for every bad thing in any relationship, not trusting people, and trying to "come home to myself" and hold onto a sense of independence. I DO NOT want my children to deal with their grandmother's treatment of me-- I want them to develop as independent human beings with resilience and a firm sense of self and boundaries. Does anyone have thoughts for me concerning how to navigate setting up boundaries? Thanks!

[Panda39]

Hi SpeedyHare,

What kinds of behaviors do you expect to see from your mom?
How much interaction have your kids had with her thus far?
How old are your kids?
How comfortable are you with setting boundaries with your mom (as you may have to act on behalf of your children)
How does you husband feel about your folks moving closer and how much will he be involved?

This might be a place to start when thinking about boundaries... .How much interaction to you feel comfortable with her having with the kids?  At public events (Birthday Parties, Sporting Events, families of your kids friends), at home with family (you/dad are there when mom spends time with the kids) or kids with your mom and dad (kids alone with your parents).

You are right on the money in terms of needing boundaries with your mom, and it may not always be comfortable for you to set them with her.  You have grown up with a parent that is an expert boundary buster and may have raised you to have weak boundaries particularly in relation to her.

I want to share some information about FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail, to me the number one method of someone with BPD to boundary bust.  I think it helps to understand it, know it, and have an awareness of it.  I think when you see it, it is easier to take things less personally thus making it easier to maintain your boundaries.

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

More on boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Welcome to the BPD Family  I look forward to hearing back from you 
Panda39

[Harri]

Hi speedyhare and welcome to the board. 

I see you already met Panda who gave some great information so I am not going to add more at this time.  I do think focusing on boundaries is going to be very important and that is something we can help you with for sure.  Some of the parents here have decided that their children can not be alone with their grandparents.  Chances are if they were abusive to you they will have those same sort of behaviors with your kids.

Anyway, I am glad to see that you know boundaries will be important.  Like Panda mentioned, it can be hard to use them after growing up without them but it is worth it. 

I hope we hear more from you and you jump in and start talking with our other members here.  It is helpful and important to build a network of support.