Struggling to keep my own life while not butting heads with my mom

[Violaw]

Hello,
Excited to join this group. Just learned my mom exhibits BPD symptoms. Reading up on it, and most of what I've found is eerily familiar. It's such a relief to know I'm not alone!

Just a bit about my situation. I'm 38. My dad died almost four years ago. My mom is an only child and has no other close relatives or friends (not a surprise I now know). So she lives with me. Struggling to keep my own life while not butting heads with my mom as she fears I'll abandon her because I want to, for instance, go out with friends, go on a date, etc.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!    

You definitely are not alone and I can relate to finding things eerily familiar when reading about the behaviors and traits.  I think a lot of us here can.  

I am sorry to hear about your fathers passing.   It is hard to lose a parent and then helping the remaining one to cope... .never mind them having problematic behaviors.  That is a lot to deal with.

You said you are struggling to keep your own life now that your mom is living with you.    Dealing with a persons fear of abandonment can be tricky.  What sort of things does she say to you if you do go out?  How does she react?  Maybe we can troubleshoot or suggest things that will work for your situation.

I hope you settle in and read and jump in and post to others.   Getting to know others here can be a big help.  

[Turkish]

Given your age and retrospection, have those traits always been there?

How does a typical conversation go when she indicates she feels abandoned?

[Violaw]

Good morning,

Thank you for the welcome and the offers for help!

If I do go out (which isn't often - it's easier not to fight with her) I get every response from "I hate being alone/eating alone/watching TV alone" to nasty comments about whomever I'm going to see, comments I'm selfish and don't love her.

She's always been this way. Periodic suicide threats, raging, belittling, biting sarcasm, silent treatment. It's worst when I want to go on a date, but occurs to a lesser degree when I want to see friends or go to a rehearsal.  For dating she points out all the bad men I've dated and how I can't tell anything about men, always fall for the idiots, etc (making me think I can't trust my own insticts). When I stand up for myself I'm a bitch. When I ignore her insults I'm selfish and uncaring.

She cries, throws things,brawls, hits herself in the head, says no one can understand, she thought undid but I don't, tells me she's given her whole life to me and doesn't deserve to feel this way.

As part of regular life she frequently thinks I'm attacking her when all I've done is made an observation. Worse when things are stressful (frozen pipes last week easy the latest thing). A couple of times I've been late at work recently and unable to respond to her texts because I was in a colleague's office. She was furious, terrified, doesn't know what she'd do without me, etc.

[Violaw]

I forgot to mention I remember horrible fights between my parents when I was small. First time i recall receiving this kind of treatment from her I was about 10. For years I thought it was just related to dating, but I now realize she exhibits many BPD behaviors on a daily basis.

[Harri]

Hi again Violaw.   

Those are a lot of behaviors you are dealing with from your mother and I can see how upsetting and frustrating that must be.  And exhausting. 

There is a lot of emotional blackmail going on.  That is when fear, obligation and guilt are used to get you stop changing your behavior like going out, taking care of you etc.  Emotional Blackmail, fear obligation and guilt is a great article.  An excerpt:
It’s easy to focus on other people’s behavior and to think that if they change, things will be fine. But does that make practical sense in matters such as these?  In many ways, this problem is more disturbing and costly for us as we are the ones on the short end of the transaction. As adults, there is something we can do about it.

With knowledge can come change. 

The price we pay when we repeatedly yield to unfavorable demands is enormous. It eats away at us and escalates until it puts our most important relationships and our whole sense of self-respect in jeopardy. Our compliance condones bad behavior and every time we reward someone for a particular action, whether we realize it or not, we’re letting them know in the strongest possible terms that they can do it again.

Change has to begin with us.  We are not helpless. We need to act.
I find this part to be especially helpful as I could never get my mom to hear or even see me.  Understanding that I was the only one I could control and if I changed my situation would change was important for me.  We are not helpless if freeing.   

[Sad4Her]

Violaw,

I completely understand your situation. Mine is similar. I am 46 years old and I am an only child. I have lived with my mother my whole life except for a two year period where I moved out to live with my now husband. I never got to enjoy it because she put so much guilt on me for it and every other part of my life that wasn't about her. I went so far as to talk my husband into us buying a huge two family home that we struggled with the mortgage for 16 years just to stay and make her happy. I finally came to a point where it was either me or her. I knew I had to get away from living with her or it would be my health. I never thought I could do it but with therapy and this wonderful site, I did it! Of course, my life is still a struggle dealing with her but most days I can not think of it because I am safe in my home to breath without her. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life so far and hopefully it will give me the courage to continue to take care of me first. So, I figured I'd share that with you because I don't just want to say stop living with her because if someone told me that a year ago, I would have felt alone and that they didn't understand because I thought it was impossible. My thoughts were, "She can't afford to live on her own' and "She can't cope without me." You know what? They are both true. She moved in with a friend who is now throwing her out and again bring the stress of her drama to me but I believe now that I can get through it. I wish you the best and keep us posted and please keep coming her for support.