Question: When does positivity become toxic?

[freespirit]

Hi    I am at a point in my recovery where I am learning to slow down and feel into a new layer of awareness that feels very uncomfortable (child sexual abuse).

In the past a way for me to move through extremely dark material has been to give meaning to, re-frame and positivity the   out it.  

Today I would like to shine a bright light on and bring awareness to my recovery work in this area, and wonder when does positivity become toxic to our learning healing and growth?

Coincidentally, this just came to me and I thought to share  

"WHAT YOU WERE ALWAYS SEEKING

Your deepest longing has already been fulfilled, and you were the last to know.

Everything you have ever longed for is already present, here and now - which is the last place you'd ever look. The miracle to end all miracles is happening, and it is this moment exactly as it is.

Yes - this, this is the grace. Every breath. Each sensation. Every sound. That which has already been allowed in. That which cannot be blocked out.

Even pain, even boredom, even despair - those most unwanted and unloved waves of human experience - are finally allowed to flood into the space where 'you' are not, and have never been.

And the paradox is this: none of it can touch you anymore, not even the greatest pain. And yet, and yet, you experience all of it completely, you feel it all more intensely than ever before, unable to block it out anymore, unable to turn away. Who would turn away, and from what? This is life in its fullness.

So what is left but simple gratitude? Gratitude for the fact that anything has ever happened at all.

And if nothing ever happens again, know this, dear reader - you have been here to witness the miracle of life. You have known it. Tasted it. Felt it. Seen it. The reflection of a waning moon in a car window. The taste of still water. The fragrance of cotton. The silent depths of meditation. The fierce intensity of fear. Your grandmother's bones. It has been enough. Oh, it has been more than enough.

It has been too much, in fact. Too much grace. And so the separate self turned away from it in overwhelm, looking for relief, seeking a future that never came, and cannot come... .

And you’ve only been seeking yourself.

Awe and wonder, my friend. Awe and wonder."

- Jeff Foster

 

This is my Inner Child expressive art I did around this subject a few days ago.

[Harri]

Hi freespirit.

I am not sure.  I think we all have to find that balance between accepting reality and positivity. 

I think it would have been better for me if I had slowed down and accepted the feelings while also knowing that I would not always feel that lost and hurt.  While accepting the hated phrase that all of my T's have told me:  "Healing is a process Harri".

Why do you think you do it?

[itsmeSnap]

I think we all have to find that balance between accepting reality and positivity. 

I agree with Harri on this. things happened and we cannot change that, that is accepting reality. Things can change and we can be hopeful that they will in the future, we do our own self work because we believe that it can be bright despite the darkest past.

Being in the present I think is different than "accepting" it: the present is the only thing we have agency over. Do experience it, but also act on it to build the better future we are trying to create for ourselves.

The future is not inevitable, the past does not have to shackle us.

when does positivity become toxic to our learning healing and growth?

I think this has to do with using positivity and acceptance as a way to rid ourselves of our responsibility in our growth.

Imagine my car breaking down in the middle of the road.

I can accept the fact that the car is not going anywhere, but the course of action can make a "salvageable" situation become less than ideal: if instead of asking for help towing my car to the mechanic, imagine me saying:

"ok, the car is not going anywhere, I need my car to move around. without my car, I can't move around anymore.
I accept that this is my life now, I'll live in my broken down car in the middle of the road.
I'm positive I can make a good little life here looking at the cars go by, meeting all sorts of new people traveling down the road"

doesn't sound so bad does it? It's adaptation sure, yet its not positive growth I think.

[freespirit]

Hi freespirit.

I am not sure.  I think we all have to find that balance between accepting reality and positivity. 

I think it would have been better for me if I had slowed down and accepted the feelings while also knowing that I would not always feel that lost and hurt.  While accepting the hated phrase that all of my T's have told me:  "Healing is a process Harri".

Why do you think you do it?

I like what your both saying here Harri, and itsmeSnap, it makes total sense to me, thank you for sharing, and for your question Harri 

I have been doing some detective work tonight, and the first place it led me to was:

"PERFECTIONISM ATTACKS

1. Perfectionism - My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain safety and support in my dangerous family. Perfection is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake or mishap is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved." - Pete Walker.

But I knew I wasn't done, and that this was just the first layer. I decided to go to the gym late whilst it was quiet, which is where I do some of my best energetic somatic work, on the elliptical, to see if I could open anything up around this.

When I got the energy moving I could better tell where inside my body was flowing and where was stuck or blocked. When I located the parts that felt tight, tense, heavy or dark, I put my awareness directly on it and got non -judgmentally curious, I then asked it to show itself to me and a kind of intuitive unfolding began.

I realized that I had been trying to "prove" myself to my father that I wasn't who he said I was, that I was a good girl.

This man took part of my soul and fed on it when he raped repeatedly me as an child, he had no right to it then, and he certainly has no right to it now. I rescued my inner child tonight, and placed her safely inside my heart, where She belongs.

I then cut all energetic ties, and ran golden light through the whole situation, there was more to it than that, but that was the general unfolding that occurred.


 

[Harri]

Snap!  What a great illustration with the car!  Now that is definitely acceptance and positivity gone wrong.  I accept what can not be changed.  My car broke down.  Bummer but doable.  I can do stuff with that; I have options.  My mother abused me as a child.  I can accept that.  I can do things though now as an adult once I am done acknowledging it.  I have options,  I have agency. <---- not getting caught up in negativity.  Positivity gone wrong is the just as bad as negativity gone wrong in terms of stalling growth and effective change at the core.  IMHO of course.

I realized that I had been trying to "prove" myself to my father that I wasn't who he said I was, that I was a good girl.

This is a great realization!  I am glad you were able to find it.  Now you have something concrete to work with in terms of healing like you already did.  Validating and affirming little freespirit and taking care of her and filling the empty places in you that were not filled by your father.  

Perfectionism can freeze and stunt us.  

Great work FS!

[freespirit]

In the name of not positivitying the  out of it any more, I woke up this morning feeling very depressed.  At first I didn't understand why I would be feeling so sad, it took me a little while to recognize this was a normal reaction to last nights deep dive session, and that I needed to grieve my losses.

Today, I give myself permission to be really sad and grieve my losses.
I am going to go on a walk by the river in the midwinter sunshine and do exactly that, which reminds me of this poem by Albert Camus.

“My dear,
In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love.
In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile.
In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm.
I realized, through it all, that…
In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.
Truly yours, Albert Camus”

For all our inner children - Invincible https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-X9jAqY_h2c