I got 33 emails from her last night part 2

[Enabler]

I wonder if you are getting stuck on the term 'childish' and hearing patronising or something similar.

I wonder if we can reframe this such that we can see it as it is rather than patronising or condescending.

There's a set of ways we interact with a young person because of specific reasons. These could be physical ability, coordination, ability to perceive risks, lack of knowledge, lack of delayed gratification skills and impulsiveness, being emotional, size etc etc. When these factors/reasons cease our behaviour changes as does our involvement in their lives. As a small person gains dexterity we stop feeding them, as they learn to use a toilet we stop putting them in diapers, as they become less impulsive we allow them greater freedom. If for some reason a baby does not progress from stage to stage we as parents/adults have to make a choice, that choice is "is my child capable but unwilling to progress and is my involvement stopping them from progressing?" Our role as parents is to manage the natural transition between being a baby to an adult. For example, if a person is physically disabled it would be reasonable to feed them regardless of their age. It's not that the person is age X and thus we must do Y for them.

You look at your W and you see an adult. You have a tick list of things you do for an adult and things you don't. You wouldn't think of wiping her bottom would you... but what if she had a neck injury and was paralysed, what if she had dementia? Would wiping her bottom be patronising then? Would that be demeaning?

Considering someone as having a personality disorder, especially someone you love and loved enough to get married to feels VERY cruel, and abusive. Suggesting someone has a PD sounds like you are putting someone beneath you, saying they are broken, whilst at the same time placing yourself higher as the healthy person. This looks and feels patronising. Is it patronising to suggest someone is paralysed or that they have Alzheimers? I'd argue no... it's stating FACT and behaving accordingly given that individuals needs.

What does your W 'need'? That's what we're here to work out, but I'm pretty sure that she is not the best at defining that. My 5yr old is not the best at defining her 'needs', however she is very good at defining her 'wants' as 'needs'. Your W needs wants you to mind read her and come and go as she feels to name just one thing.

Your W makes holes in the wall, she breaks stuff in your house, she sends you tens of text messages without any response or real purpose, YOUR WIFE THREATENS TO KILL HERSELF. Regardless of her age, regardless of whether or not she is a child, a teenager, an adult, a horse or a dolphin... there is something not cool going on and neither of you are happy, especially not her. Is it time to park the idea of how you'd like to frame the situation and radically accept the reality of the situation. Would you love your wife any less if she had Alzeimers and you had to take care of her in an utterly different way, making every single decision for her, wiping her bottom, feeding her? I very much doubt it given the lengths you have gone to to meet her needs wants.

Above all else I strongly feel reaching a place where you can accept the severity and differentness of your situation vs your blueprint of an emotionally healthy pair of adults having a healthy relationship. Treating your wife differently is showing her love, kindness and care.

Enabler

[babyducks]

So the constant testing makes me angry and anxious. I hear a lot about what I don't do, what I better be doing, what she needs to see me doing, that I need to step up, etc. Really, really, tired of it.

Thanks stolencrumbs, appreciate the answer.    I think I understand what you are describing here.   went through a bunch of it myself.

for me the conundrum wasn't, so much what she needed me to be doing, how I should 'step up' to use your phrase, but what I should be doing to satisfy myself.    the question for me was what could I give to the relationship that left me with a sense of calm, completeness, satisfaction.  It's a given that my Ex's needs/wants were / are a moving target and not too terribly realistic.     What's not a given (in my book) is that does not resolve me of the responsibility to bring energy and effort to the relationship.    what could I gift to the relationship that left me feeling good, not depleted spent and manipulated.   

I would suggest you turn the question around and look at if from the opposite direction.   What can I do that makes me feel like I have done the right thing.

'ducks

[Cat Familiar]

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