New emotions during healing process: feeling uncherished or invisible?

[aslowrealization]

Having established some distance between my mother (uNPD/BPD traits) I am working through the process of healing from emotional damage and slowly building a level of self-compassion that I've never been able to create before. But I've recently been experiencing a lot of pain and grief around feeling invisible and uncherished in life in general. Feeling unnoticed or ignored at work in spite of putting in effort every day. Being single and feeling like I don't have any other source of affirmation apart from church and in prayer (which honestly does keep me going, but sometimes we all need a human pair of eyes looking right into ours and telling us that we're not invisible). Having recently had a birthday (36) where I feel like I've gone from "yeah I'm not young-young but I'm still sorta young?" to feeling "too old" for a new relationship/quasi-menopausal overnight but without the wisdom or respect that one is able to cultivate as a parent. And, of course, facing a history of emotional damage head on.

I'm not expecting the world to notice me or treat me differently. And there are certain realities, such as the age and childlessness things, that are genuine losses in life and, thus, will bring up grief...and I'll have to work through it. But what I think might be happening is that I've started to set a "new normal" for myself when it comes to how I'd like to feel in the world. For so long, I accepted "less" because I thought that's what I deserved.  I thought I needed to just take it for now because just getting through each day was difficult enough. But now that I'm starting to branch out in a new direction, this "less" no longer fits as well as it once did.

I try to remind myself that just because I feel uncherished or invisible, doesn't mean that I actually am those things. What it might be signaling is that I'm ready to work on making changes in how I interact with the world and move through it. Moving away from emotions-as-condemnation is a challenge as that's messaging that I got a lot growing up, but I'm slowly getting better at stepping back and saying "Hey there, miss emotion. I see you. I'm listening. What are you trying to say?"

Has anyone else either gone through a period like this or struggle with this currently? It's a pretty new experience for me to feel either of these things so keenly...

[Harri]

I've started to set a "new normal" for myself when it comes to how I'd like to feel in the world.

This in itself can elicit a grief / stress/ emotional response no matter how positive the changes can be.  Our perspective change and getting rid of old beliefs and realizing the repercussions of those beliefs and how they impacted me has been devastating and liberating.  It's a hell of a ride but worth it.

now that I'm starting to branch out in a new direction, this "less" no longer fits as well as it once did.

Keep poking at this.  I am still trying to figure out what the word deserve means.   My brain can't seem to process it yet.  What does it mean to you?

Feeling do not equal facts!  I agree with your assessment that you are ready to make changes and I can only hope you decide to keep sharing with us and bring us along for the ride.  I've been on the ride for a while now and still have work to do.  I am a bit slow on some things... my stubbornness determination is a hinderance sometimes. 

How can we support you?  I am always happy to see you when youa re here.  Keep sharing.     We see you.

[aslowrealization]

Hi Harri  Nice to see you again. Though I've only been on it for a very short time, this journey isn't quite like anything I've experienced...and it's not predictable at all. Sometimes it's about naming things and expressing emotions that have been locked away for so long and grappling with them, other times, it's about quietly moving into a new sense of being. The small things, like when I made a dish back over the holidays and felt like I could really "own" having created it...those continue to happen and I can only hope that I am up to the challenge of making changes. During the growth periods, I'm also less likely to post...but I usually am still "lurking" from time to time to see how folks are doing 

On "deserve"...I thought about it a bit and it's a word I have a strange relationship with as well. On one hand, I have (or more so in the past) no trouble applying it to myself negatively...as in not being deserving or worthy of certain things in life even if they are very basic...it's like there was a point in time where I resigned to living life in a minor key and just being "less than" or on the margins or accepting that there are certain levels of joy and peace that I just can never access...and that sense of who I am in relation to the world permeated (permeates) a lot of my thinking. On the other, I feel a bit tense when, for example, someone gets something nice like career recognition or finds a loving partner and someone says to them "you deserve it!"...I start wondering what that means...and if there is some measure of something that we do or are in life that just makes us more worthy than others of good things. Deep down, I don't believe that...that we're ever really entitled to the good or receive the not-so-good because of some cosmic value judgement of our absolute worth. But I think maybe the word "deserve" pulls me back into a space where an authority figure (in my case, a parent), based on limited information, decides what my overall value is and sticks me with a "not worth it" stamp that I cannot remove.

The answer to this that I'm finding in myself to the voice that says "you're not worth it" is self-compassion. For instance, this has been a bit of a tough week emotionally...but instead of breaking down and falling into despair and helplessness, I found myself becoming a gentle source of healing...instead of thoughts turning down a dark path, they said kind things like "let's get you a nice, nourishing meal to enjoy tonight" and "why don't we change the schedule to allow for gym time before work today...it'll help you feel stronger to face the day"...and so I was able to get through it. Not without a few good cries and a bit of sleeplessness (as well as a tiny voice rolling its eyes and saying I'm being over-indulgent/too dramatic for giving myself those good things because of how I was feeling), but those things didn't pull me down the way they may have in the past. I've read a bit about being the mother to yourself that you didn't have...and I'm slowly learning how to do that.

[Harri]

Hi   

For instance, this has been a bit of a tough week emotionally...but instead of breaking down and falling into despair and helplessness, I found myself becoming a gentle source of healing...instead of thoughts turning down a dark path, they said kind things like "let's get you a nice, nourishing meal to enjoy tonight" and "why don't we change the schedule to allow for gym time before work today...it'll help you feel stronger to face the day"...and so I was able to get through it.

I am sorry this was a tough week but so happy that you were able to nurture yourself in healthy ways... even the crying part.  Your thoughts changing like they did is a wonderful sign of healing and the lessons sinking in on a deep level.

My mind goes through the same mental gymnastics with that darn word.  It is all fine if I get something "bad" because then I deserve it... but good things?  Though I am starting to question that belief far more often than I used to and I am no longer dismissing the thought that I might deserve better (whatever that is) in a condescending voice. 

I do wonder though who keeps score.  Who decides?  For me I mean.  Other people deserving things is okay ...

It is good to know you are still lurking... though I prefer you coming out of lurk mode I guess you get to decide that right?   

[CautiousHopeful]

Hi  Thanks for sharing your new emotions during the healing process. I think that's how I would describe what is happening to me now too, and it helps me to read your post. I can relate to what you say about facing emotional damage head on. I think I've been coming at it kind of sideways for a long time, and now that I am seeing things with a much more certain clarity I am getting hit by the full impact of the transformative processes that go along with that clarity.

It was helpful to reflect on the concept of 'deserving' or feeling worthy. I've had a tendency for much of my life to let others go first, to step back and not think of myself as important, and I know this has much to do with the emotional dynamics I dealt with growing up. Today ordering lunch at a counter some other people had kind of pushed in front of me, and so often in the past I wouldn't speak up that I was next and instead allow myself to be overlooked. But I found myself sticking up for myself and asserting that I was next. It's a simple thing, but I think I'm finally learning that I have a right to exist.

What you say about an authority figure putting a 'not worth it' stamp on you that is hard to remove is something I can really relate to. Perhaps what is happening is that stamp that has been stuck to us so for long is gradually being peeled off, but this brings out some grief about what we have missed out on while the stamp was stuck to us, and the vulnerable position we have been in for much of our lives?

I've been worried about myself crying a lot over the last few weeks thinking what is wrong with me? But I think it is grief and it is actually a normal part of the process. I've found a whole lot of memories and impressions from childhood coming back to me, and not all negative ones, but just senses/feelings/memories. I think this is my mind trying to process everything emotionally and come to terms with it. Today it has been more memories over the past 15-20 years of my life.

I'm really glad you've found some constructive ways through a tough week. I feel like I've been on this fence between the two worlds you describe - the despair one and the nurturing one, and I've been trying to reach for the nurturing. So thanks for writing about this, as it helps me strive more in that direction.

It sounds like you are really on the right healing path and going through all the changes, including the new emotions, that go with that. Wishing you all the best 

[Libra]

ASlowRealization,

Thank you for coming back and posting about your experiences.

Sometimes it's about naming things and expressing emotions that have been locked away for so long and grappling with them, other times, it's about quietly moving into a new sense of being.

This is beautifully said. I am on the same road as you. It truly has a lot of twists and turns and keeps you guessing as to what will come after the next sharp bend.

I am a frequent lurker too. It takes time to process things. The good thing here is, you are always welcome, regardless of the time passed.

Regarding ‘you deserve it’. I may have a language issue here, but if I were to use that phrase in my language, the message I would actually be trying to send would be ‘I am very happy for you’. 
Maybe a good way to determine whether you deserve something is asking yourself whether you would consider it healthy or good or even normal if another person you care about would do it?
It’s a mindbender, I know, but it helps me put things into another perspective sometimes.

I found myself becoming a gentle source of healing...
I've read a bit about being the mother to yourself that you didn't have...and I'm slowly learning how to do that.

Isn’t it beautiful how we can grow and learn?

That road my have many twists and bends, but it is a great journey. Thank you for allowing us on to walk with you, ASlowRealization.



Libra