Just recently began dating someone with BPD

[HomeyDuck]

Hi all.  I have recently started dating a wonderful woman who has told me she has BPD.  I have tried to read everything I could find, watching videos etc.  But there are still behaviors I dont quite understand.  I was hoping to pick the brains of you who have been through it or have experienced it, first-hand.  Thank you in advance!

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[itsmeSnap]

Hello and welcome to the boards!

But there are still behaviors I dont quite understand

Give us an example so we can work through it?

[HomeyDuck]

I dont quite understand how she can tell me she loves me, wants to be with me, but yet not seem to want to spend time with me.  I see her interact with friends, laugh, joke, but when it comes to me, I have to speak with her, first, to get her to talk to me.  I have asked her about this and the response I get is, it is part of my illness, please just give me space and be here for me.  I have always been led to believe you give the one you love your time, and everyone else, gets what is left.  It is completely opposite, with her.  Is this something that a person with BPD does, frequently, and something I will have to deal with, or is this outside of the realm of BPD, all together?

[itsmeSnap]

I was hoping to pick the brains of you who have been through it or have experienced it, first-hand.

Didn't mention it on the last reply.
Dated a pwBPD (person with BPD), on and off for about two years, lots of breakups in between, most recent last october (after which I found this wonderful community  ). Not a "success story", but we had our good times.

I have asked her about this and the response I get is, it is part of my illness

My guess is this is the milder version of the whole "I hate you don't leave me" that's more "typical BPD". Have you read about the "typical symptoms" of BPD? (this might make zero sense to you otherwise )

please just give me space and be here for me.

She's giving you a very defined way to "approach it", which is something often missing in these kinds of relationships. My guess (correct me if I'm wrong) is that since she's diagnosed and accepted the diagnosis (again, something a lot of people struggle with) she's had some training on how to deal with it, and she's letting you know.

I have always been led to believe you give the one you love your time, and everyone else, gets what is left.

Well, that's one way to look at relationships. Is it "your way of looking at them" or just "something people told you"?

Is this something that a person with BPD does, frequently, and something I will have to deal with, or is this outside of the realm of BPD, all together?

That sort of depends on her personality. BPD aside, if she did that to you in any other context would you be ok with it?

This is not about "just dealing with it", and particularly since you're only starting to date, its about if its right for you both.

You're dating, that's how you find out if you're compatible! try not to get caught up on the BPD, just be aware that its there, focus on the person. She's the woman you're dating, not just "the BPD", get to know her! (both good and bad, we all have both sides)

So, how long have you been dating? how did it come about that she told you about her having BPD?

[HomeyDuck]

We have been together for 2 months.  And when we started talking and was getting serious, she made it a point to tell me about the BPD.  We had a very deep connection, very quickly.  She wanted it to be known, so if things seemed odd, that might be why.  I have had very long and deep discussions with myself on whether or not this is something I could or want to do.  Every time the answer is always yes, I want to be here for and with her.  I want to understand.  I want to be able to help her in every way I can.  And yes, I have read up on it and watched videos, on BPD. 

[SunandMoon]

Hi Homey Duck and welcome to the boards!

It's great that your girlfriend has been open with you about having  BPD. Is she in therapy?

I have asked her about this and the response I get is, it is part of my illness, please just give me space and be here for me 

Yes, it's a complicated illness and she obviously understands what she needs and is asking you to both give her space and to be there for her (not take it personally that she sometimes needs space).

This stems from the intense emotions that pwBPD experience in a relationship and that can sometimes feel overwhelming for that person. There is a feeling of being "engulfed" or losing themselves because of the intense feelings (and also often because of an unstable sense of self). They need space so that they can breathe and not feel overwhelmed.

Try not to take it personally or push for more. Being cool and calm - and most of all, accepting - will make you more attractive and make it safe for her to be with you.

[HomeyDuck]

I know, all of this coming from someone who hasnt had to live with BPD and I do apologize, from the bottom of my heart, if I sound like I am being selfish and uncaring.  I am just having a hard time wrapping my head around, stay away until I need you, but my friends... im fine with them.  Is it the whole idea of being in a relationship and having to open yourself up to another person that causes that?  And in my reading, I have heard BPD push away the ones they love, the most.  Is that the case, as well?

[Purplex]

Hi HomeyDuck 

You actually sound very supportive and caring! It's great that you are reaching out to others and learning about BPD. The better you understand what's going on with her and what's bothering you, the easier it will be to figure out the best approach. And we are happy to help with that 
I assume that her friends already know her very well and that she probably feels secure and relaxed with them.   Your relationship is still new, I know from my own experience that it can take some time to adjust to a new partner and feel completely comfortable while spending time with them. It might trigger a lot of fears and insecurities, even more so for a pwBPD and especially if strong feelings are involved. It might be best to be patient, give her the space she needs and maybe talk to her about it if she wants to.

I see her interact with friends, laugh, joke, but when it comes to me, I have to speak with her, first, to get her to talk to me.

Is it always you reaching out to her, or does she sometimes initiate contact as well? Was this dynamic present from the beginning of your relationship? Did it change somehow?

I have heard BPD push away the ones they love, the most.  Is that the case, as well?

This is a common pattern in BPD relationships, yes. From my understanding push/pull behavior is more of an unconcious and impulsive reaction to an emotional trigger, e.g the feeling of engulfment SunandMoon described. I think it's a very good sign that your gf is able to recognize her need for space and ask for it. Maybe she will be open to talk about the why sometime in the future. As Snap suggested, the issue could also be less related to BPD and more of a discrepancy in expectations on how much time to spend together in a relationship.
From what you told us so far, it seems like your gf is very aware of her symptoms and open to talk about them with you. That's great! I am in a similar situation with my bf and although it can be frustrating and difficult at times, we already made a lot of progress and it feels like we can work on his issues and our relationship as a team. Don't get discouraged by all the stuff you read about BPD, what matters is what you experience in your relationship and how your gf handles her illness.

[HomeyDuck]

she is very aware of her illness.  I am very new to it.  And it is taking some getting used to.  But the more I read, the more I hear that a BPD can rarely have a regular relationship.  I know the term "regular" can have many different meanings, but it does put that twinge of fear, in the back of my head.  But I want to try.  I want to learn about her.   Each case of BPD is different I know, so getting to know her will help me understand her and how it affect her.  I just get very exhausted, trying to help, at the same time, keep myself ok. 

[itsmeSnap]

I have heard BPD push away the ones they love, the most

Yes, they very often do, but I didn't want to "scare" you out of it. For a lot of people, things are very good in the beginning, and then the fear of abandonment/engulfment takes over and things start going south fast.

We can't know if that's the case with her, that's why I mentioned "just get to know her", I might be even now priming you to think that will be the case even if it its not the case (look up self fulfilling profecies, also for a positive one see my thread on The Michelangelo phenomenon here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334171.0)

There are so many ways things can go wrong with BPD, but she seems way ahead of the curve with the awareness and communicating it to you, I think thats a very good positive sign, but as I keep mentioning, maybe she drinks from the carton and you're not into that, BPD or not .

Anyway, thats why I kept it vague with the "that depends"

Number one advice is: have a support system for yourself. Friends, family, the boards! Check out other people's posts, ask them questions there also, pick their brains like you commented  members have a wealth of experience, both with the good and bad.

We support each other through things and its better if you have the support in place before any of her "BPD related" events spiral out of control, keep us posted as things develop, we can walk you through the difficulties, good on you for being proactive! 

I just get very exhausted, trying to help

It is very easy to go from "trying to help" to "trying to fix" or "trying not to upset" (commonly known as walking on eggshells, from a good book about BPD, highly recommended if you'd like to know more about it)

Take it easy on yourself man, its been two months, enjoy the honeymoon

Like in any relationship, problems will most certainly come about, BPD can make the experience a bit counter intuitive from the heightened emotions, so awareness is very beneficial, and you already know she knows, and you also know, so great start!

[HomeyDuck]

Yall are amazing.  Thank you so very much.  What little I have spoken, with you, has helped me immensely!

[Purplex]

I can very much relate to the doubts you are having. When I met my bf I already knew about BPD and when he told me that he had it, I was very hesitant to take things further with him. I was afraid of getting myself into something that would be hurtful to me and that I would regret later on. What conviced me to stay was his ability to acknowledge his issues, to self-reflect and his determination to get better. Ours is certainly no 'regular' relationship and we struggle with a lot of stuff that is a non-issue in 'normal' relationships. But we have a deep emotional connection, we are kind to eachother and he never was abusive in any way towards me. This is possible, even with BPD. It's difficult to deal with his mood swings, his suicidal ideation, his nearly non-existant frustration tolerance, his self-worth issues. It's painful and exhausting to endure all that and sometimes I get desperate. But I always manage to recover. And it's worth it because of the good times and the noticable progress we are making. 
I think that every relationship needs work at some point. With a pwBPD the work starts right from the beginning. This doesn't have to be a bad thing. It might enables us individually and as a couple to better deal with issues in the future, to learn how to communicate and find solutions.
A SO with BPD really challenges our relationship skills and kind of forces us to confront our own weaknesses and deficits. We need to know our limits to keep stable and able to care for ourselves, because we can't reliably depend on them for that. This can be a burden, but it can also be an opportunity to grow and learn about ourselves. I tend to look at it from the latter perspective.

I know my experiences and views are different then those of many members and maybe I am too optimistic. I just want to emphasize that the worst case scenario does not always apply. And I guess a small dose of optimism can't hurt

[HomeyDuck]

Yeah, her and I connected so very deeply.  I dont know how it happened, but that connection, is amazing.  I want to make this work.  I dont want to walk away.  I understand it is going to be hard, already is, but she is someone I can see a future with.  From speaking with yall and reading all I can, I know I need to work on myself.  I have never been with anyone that has forced me to do this.  I am used to the type where she picks me up and I pick her up.  I have taken many evenings, trying to talk myself out of this.  Leave now, while it is still fairly new... I cant.  I want this.  I want to be with her.  So I will keep fighting and improving

[once removed]

if you recently began dating her, she may not want to move too quickly. reading that and working with it is really important in the early stages of dating.

friends are a bit different...shes known them longer. i know i tend to prioritize friends over new romantic partners.

be cool, let her lead and move at her pace. as SunandMoon says, thats going to put you in a much more attractive, and safe, light.