How do I respond to DD20’s accusations

[Daisy123]

Since DD20 had an open and honest convo about how I’ve hurt her, whenever we have to have a tough discussion about rules or her getting a job I get statement yelled at me and I don’t know how to respond.
Me: You’ve not eaten, why don’t we sit and have a meal together?
DD: I am fat, you told me I was fat when I was 10!
Me: I walked away

I tried having an important conversation with her: Her response:

DD: You’ve triggered me! You just can’t say, we need to talk because all of my life you emotionally abused me!

DD: I didn’t ask to be here, you ruined me with your abuse!

Any ideas on how I might respond?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Daisy123

It is so hurtful, so bloody hard to know what to say/do when our BPDer's hurl the verbal abuse in our direction.  We, as parents, love these children of ours so much and we want/need the same from them in return.

A whole different thought-process started with me when I first read and absorbed the meaning of JADE (...don't Justify-Argue-Deny-Explain).  Using that approach seems to have taken the wind out of my daughter's sails (for now, anyway) and helped me immensely.  After her last outburst I told her that I was sorry she felt the way she did.  I was recognizing her feelings...didn't JADE...then I moved on.  Easy to do?  No.  Do-able?  Yes.

All of us have done things in our pasts that we would love to go back and re-do.  Of course, that can't happen.  What we can do is ask ourselves if we worked on learning from those periods of poor judgment and then made appropriate changes.  In reading what you have shared, you certainly have.

As you have written in previous posts, your daughter focuses on those early years of family dysfunction and she gets bang-from-her-buck if she uses those memories of hers against you.  The valuable lesson that she could/should be learning is that people can change...you and your husband prime examples.

I so recognize the scenario of you wanting your daughter to eat.  We are Moms and that is in our nature to keep wanting the best for our children...keep trying to save them from themselves.  She knows she should eat but if she finds by not doing so it will cause concern for you, she could run with that.  Her eating habits are totally in her control.  All you can do is make sure nourishing food is there for her.

Daisy123, I  urge you to not JADE...to keep your cool...your dignity...as you continue on this rocky journey with your daughter. 

I take interest in your posts and am glad you continue in being one of the regulars here.

Huat

[wendydarling]

Hi Daisy

I join Huat, it's sure good to hear from you and I'm sorry to hear your DD's responding with accusations (after the honest conversation you had) when you are trying to have a conversation about house rules, job search things which involves your DD being accountable (which appears to have been her modus operandi prior to the honest conversation?), she's stopping you in your tracks if I've got it right? Are you also having some good times where you connect too?

It may be helpful to step back a wee bit and catch up with you what's happening. I'm wondering how DD made good stealing from her aunt, is she attending therapy, what's she doing day to day, guitar lessons, is she continuing to do well off the meds...…is there positive behaviour? What's the big picture day to day..

And most importantly how are you, I saw your post on Parent's Rights thread, you are struggling, been off work.   How are you?  

WDx