Going through a rough patch

[JNChell]

It’s best that I don’t post for a few days. I’m realizing some things that have become evident and painful. I don’t feel like sharing on the boards.

[zachira]

We will miss you the next few days yet understand how important self care is. From time to time most of us need a break from reading and responding to posts. Can you tell us how we can be the most helpful right now? If you were to reply to this post if it were from a member, what would that look like?

[Only Human]

I don't have any words of wisdom for you, and you didn't ask for them. I'm just here to echo what Zachira said, from time to time we all need a break from reading and posting.

Take good care 

~ Barb

[Cat Familiar]

Hey JNChell, I totally get it. You got to take care of yourself first. Hope things are better soon.   

Cat

[JNChell]

It’s mostly been a feeling of disappointment. I don’t want to be with S4’s mom anymore, but I have this feeling that I could’ve done better. Last weekend, S4 (Asher) was being needy and affectionate. I picked him up and he gave me a tight neck hug. He released me and said “mommy needs to listen to you”. I asked him what he meant. He said that she always screams and yells at me. I told him that mommy and I don’t talk much anymore and that it doesn’t happen now. I felt like he was projecting his own feelings a bit. He had given hints the night before. I asked him if his mom screamed and yelled at him a lot. I felt him nodding yes on my shoulder.

I don’t have any control over the words that come out of his mom’s mouth. I can’t be there to stop it. I’m disappointed in myself for a lot. My behaviors became as bad as her’s. Albeit a reaction, but that’s no reasonable excuse.

I never thought I was going to be a father. I was 37. I just figured that those days were behind me. When we got pregnant, a whole new dream emerged. That dream was a family. Something I’ve never really known. I ran with it and lost myself.

I just wish that I could’ve done better somehow. My son is experiencing a broken home and it really bothers me. I’ve been listening to and reading a lot about stats for boys from broken homes. Guiding him correctly feels overwhelming most of the time. I’m on my own with him and I question if I can be enough for him.

[Cat Familiar]

That you're questioning yourself is a good thing. It means that you are parenting mindfully. Even in intact homes, being a parent is a minefield. Having you as a dad, who is paying lots of attention to his emotional wellbeing, is something that a lot of kids never experience.

[JNChell]

Thank you, Cat. Seriously, thank you for the perspective that I couldn’t see through my emotions. He has a safe place here. At 4, I think that he’s beginning to understand that. He has a very sweet demeanor. I want to nurture that as well as help him learn and grow. Thank you Cat.

[Only Human]

Glad to see you back here, JNChell 

From what I've seen, you are doing a fabulous job helping Asher through this very difficult situation. You are giving him a voice, validating his feelings, providing a safe, nurturing environment. I'm sure he feels very relaxed and cared for when he is with you.

~ Barb

[JNChell]

Thank you, Barb. I’m doing the best that I can with him. I miss him so much. He’s my boy. I should tuck him in every night. Jesus, I’m feeling pretty stuck lately. Who am I kidding, I’ve been stuck for a while. I miss my boy.