Dissasociating and gaps in memory

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced a loss of memories or dissasociation.  I have been on this journey of reliving the past for a few years now and sometimes the memories are too much and I start to (a) wonder if it all really happened and (b)I get anxious that I'm losing my mind and feel a bit spacy and detached from reality.

I was rereading my posts on this site from a few years ago and I have no conscious recollection of some of what I described.  I know from the dates that it was a time of intense stress for me as my teenage daughter was having a mental health crisis and refused to see my uBPD sister because of her erratic behaviour.

I have had problems with dissasociating since I was a teenager and I hate it. 

[Zabava]

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced a loss of memories or dissasociation.  I have been on this journey of reliving the past for a few years now and sometimes the memories are too much and I start to (a) wonder if it all really happened and (b)I get anxious that I'm losing my mind and feel a bit spacy and detached from reality.

I was rereading my posts on this site from a few years ago and I have no conscious recollection of some of what I described.  I know from the dates that it was a time of intense stress for me as my teenage daughter was having a mental health crisis and refused to see my uBPD sister because of her erratic behaviour.

I have had problems with dissasociating since I was a teenager and I hate it. 

[Turkish]

It's good that you documented things here.  It is a kind of journal. Do you have an avenue for support in real life?

How has dissociating affected you in other ways in life if at all? 

[Harri]

Hi Zabava.

You are not losing your mind.  In fact you are doing the opposite:  you are finding it.  Dissociation is a defense mechanism and as such it is something that happens to protect us.  Sometimes it happens with things we are not ready to remember and sometimes it happens with things that are very emotional.  I dissociate though I do it less and less as I heal more. 

According to my T, I have mild dissociation and I was relieved and surprised to hear her call it mild.  I forget things.  I space out.  I shut down and go numb.  I had a lot of memories that I had blocked out.  It happens when there is a history of trauma and in that sense in is fairly common and almost to be expected.

[kiwigal]

I’ve experienced that too!
Last year I visited a therapist and asked her to assess me because I felt I was losing my mind!
You definitely aren’t! I think our brains have ways of coping with the distress that allow us to keep our emotions safe.

[Zabava]

It's a relief that other people have experienced this too.  Turkish, the way dissasociating affects my life now is that when it happens I feel very anxious. 

Two years ago my grandmother died.  As I said in previous posts she was my safe adult growing up.  After she passed I became extremely depressed and felt really disconnected from reality.  I had some delusional thoughts and mild psychosis. 

As a result I am very scared that feeling spacy will lead to another breakdown.  I have been talking it through with my therapist and I am starting to get it that the mind can only take so much.

Also I am starting to allow myself some anger at my parents for what I experienced growing up.  The memories are hard and it wasn't right.

[Harri]

Hi Z.  I can relate to finding it hard to let go of the fear that I am crazy or losing my mind.   I am glad you are working with your T on this and still talking with us about it too.  We get it.

Can you see though how young you came up with some pretty genius ways of protecting herself from the abuse?   How strong and clever she was in doing so?

Step seven of the Survivors to Thriver Program says:  I can sense my inner child whose efforts to survive now can be appreciated.

[Zabava]

Thanks Harri,

I am trying to feel some appreciation for my younger self.  MUBPD sister accuses me of being weak and cowardly for not fighting back.  But she doesn't understand the toll it took on me to keep the peace.  I retreated inward to survive and turned my anger into depression.  I really struggle to feel like I have a right to exist and yet here I am maybe because of my younger self's survival instinct.  I want to appreciate my own strength but I discount it because I grew up with a roof over my head and food on the table unlike most of the world.

[Harri]

I want to appreciate my own strength but I discount it because I grew up with a roof over my head and food on the table unlike most of the world.

Me too and a lot of others here.  But all that does is keep CPS away from your door.  It is covering basic needs.

I used to ask a former T why some people (adults) were able to experience horrible things and not be thrown by it.  She told me they had the tools and skills to be able to withstand those events.  Their parents gave them the emotional and social skills they needed to make it in the world.

yet here I am maybe because of my younger self's survival instinct.

If you can't see how strong you are now, can you at least recognize that the little girl who had no survival skills managed to deal with a lot of really tough stuff?  Can you honor her efforts?

MUBPD sister accuses me of being weak and cowardly for not fighting back.

Does she get to define you?  Did she fight back?  What good did it do for her in terms of her mental health?  Her opinion is just that, an opinion.  It is not fact.  She does not determine your value. 

Stop letting a mentally ill person define you and set your worth.     I don't mean that harshly but I do want to make a point. 

Changing how you look at yourself will take a lot of time and work but it will also require a leap of faith and a spark of belief in you and I think you have that.  Otherwise, why are you here talking with us and reaching out?  I encourage you to visit when you can and try reaching out to others here.  We all need support and responding to others can force you to gather your thoughts and begin to think in more empowering ways.  Often it is easier to learn to do that for others before we can do it for ourself.

[Turkish]

Stop letting a mentally ill person define you and set your worth.

I'll echo this.  My mom wasn't a witch or queen, but she still telegraphed to me in my 40s that I needed to do (because she thought i hadn't done well) what she thought I needed to do but that was about her.  No one else in my life,  from brothers who knew me since I was a teen to coworkers who knew me for two decades thought I hadn't done well,  especially given where I came from.  Just my mom.

[isilme]

I've found things coming back, either full on memories or the repressed emotions tied to things I never forgot, just never felt.  My brain seems to shut down emotions as irrelevant or inconvenient at times, which makes me feel overall numb.  I have lots of memories of things that happened - beatings as a toddler for instance - that have little to no emotions tied to them.  if I let myself, I think the sheer terror abstractly know I felt at those times would overwhelm me, so my brain puts a barrier up to help. 

It happens now, too, when I know there is just too much to process.  I had a rather large fight with my BPDH yesterday, I am still numb. 

[Zabava]

Thanks for all your help everyone.  I feel less alone. 

Just wondering if anyone has experienced psychosis as a result of childhood trauma?  I had a very bad depression with "psychotic features" which was really, really frightening.  I get freaked out by dissasociating because my delusional thoughts started when I remembered too much too fast and my mind went loopy.

[Harri]

I am not familiar with depression with psychosis.  I just read an article on it but that does not make me an expert obviously.  It sounds scary and confusing and I can see how the way dissociation feels and what can happen with it can seem like a psychotic episode.

Are you able to describe what a psychotic situation was like?  Were there visual or auditory hallucinations?  Paranoia?

What sort of treatment did you have for it and who is following you now?  Is that even necessary?

 

[Zabava]

I thought that everything had deeper meaning, like a song on the radio was a sign.  I felt like I was connected to the universe and at the same time I was deeply depressed.  I live near Lake Ontario and at my lowest ebb I thought the lake was calling to me to walk in and never come out.  

Now I know I was out of my mind, but I have felt vulnerable to losing it ever since.  

I have talked to my therapist about it and I am stable now.  She said it is common when people relive traumatic memories to experience a break with reality.  It is still scary.

[Harri]

Thanks for sharing.  I am so sorry you had to go through that.  It does sound scary and I can understand why you are concerned.  I would be too.

The good news is that you are aware of potential problems.  You have a professional to talk with and watch over you.  And you have us here to talk and relate with.   

Dissociation can be similar I think (again I am not expert).  I can share one weird experience with dissociation that I had almost 3 years ago during therapy.  I was seeing the p-doc student who was being supervised by my current T.  I am in therapy for trauma, PTSD and on meds for anxiety and depression.

Anyway, in one session we were talking about some events that triggered a dissociative state.  Before I describe it to you I want to stress that both T's said it was a *mild* dissociation.  Anyway, I was sitting in the chair, my T was about 5 feet away from me but all of a sudden it was like I left the room and was in a sun filled space, sitting but all I could see was a glow and my T was standing next to me on my left side talking quietly.  I could not see him but I could feel his presence and I swear it was real (even now, the sensations are still there when I remember).  I forgot now what he was saying to me but when I asked at my next session if that had really happened, if he had stood up on my left side and talked to me, I was told no that I had just sat there quietly, shaking a bit and with my head down.  Of course I checked with his supervisor (my current T) about his assessment of this being *mild* and she agreed... and agreed again when I double checked 2 months later. 

I am not saying that this is the same as what you experienced.  But it is not the only time something like that happened to me but it was the most intense.  It was a dissociative episode that I thought was me losing my mind and it took me a long while to really accept that it was just dissociation, not some horrible thing that meant I was crazy.  I think being anxious about it and scared is a normal reaction given your experience and that it will take time to work things through. 

The mind really can only take so much but it does not mean you are crazy nor does it mean you will have the experience of psychosis again.  Dissociation is much different I think and I believe you can get to a place of acceptance about it rather than fear.  In the meantime, keep reaching out here.

We've got ya.   

[Zabava]

Hi Harri,

Thank you so much for sharing your experience of dissasociation.  It sounds like a very intense experience.  My break from reality was also very vivid.  I think now I was reexperiencing my emotions from childhood and my mind couldn't cope.

I have realized that I have to be intentional about rexamining the past otherwise the things I stuff down will resurface in frightening ways.  I am slowly realizing that I experienced abuse.  I often chide myself for exaggerating my parents' impact on me I compare myself to others who had it worse.

[Zabava]

Actually the more I remember the more I realize how frightening it must have been for a child.  I work with kindergarteners now and am studying early childhood education.  I have found it very enlightening and very painful to learn about the impact of toxic stress on children.  Toxic stress is defined as ongoing stressors that a child can't control like poverty, physical and emotional abuse and also witnessing abuse. 

According to my textbooks witnessing domestic violence can be just as harmful as experiencing violence.  One of the triggers for my delusional episodes was flashbacks of my parents fighting.  My uBPD mother and my dad used to have fist fights...I had very little sleep as a kid because I would be woken up by screaming, thumping and swearing.  It was very scary and sad.

[Harri]

Actually the more I remember the more I realize how frightening it must have been for a child.

Yes.  It is so easy to look back as an adult and judge based on what we know and where we are emotionally now without realizing how little we knew back them.  We just did not have the ability to process things the way adults have.

According to my textbooks witnessing domestic violence can be just as harmful as experiencing violence.

Absolutely.  So may times people will say 'well the yelling and violence is directed towards me not the kids so I am protecting them".  Not quite. 

One of the triggers for my delusional episodes was flashbacks of my parents fighting.

Have you heard of emotional flashbacks?  I am wondering if that is part of what you are experiencing.  A lot of us with c-PTSD have them where we are flooded with emotions from long ago.  We have an article on that if you want to read it:  Managing Emotional Flashbacks See what you think.

I remember the late night fights and rages.  My mom also used to wake us all up to clean.  We would be washing windows and walls at 2am.   I remember being so tired in school.  Being woken u from sleep by screaming, raging and with people hitting each other is terrifying.  Imagine exposing a little kid to that?  Kids don't understand, can't cope, can't self soothe, can't leave and go to a place of safety.  They find other ways to escape.  I did it with dissociation and going inward into my imagination. 

I think you are doing some really good work here.  You are not giving up and seeing the scared kid you were is a big step I think.  Do you agree?

[Turkish]

My ex grew up in a punching household. 

Apropos of nothing I said, my S9 told me last week, "mommy kicked out [step dad] because he smokes marijuana." That wasn't the reason and they remember when mommy punched him,  as well as the other stuff she told them.  Not to mention how she verbally abused him and put him down in front of the kids.  These things are very damaging to children.  It twists your world-view. 

[Zabava]

Harrie and Turkish,

Thanks for sticking with me.  I feel ashamed of my neediness. 

Harri you are right connecting emotionally with my younger self is a big step.  I am so sorry for the things you went through.  It sounds very familiar.  My sister would come home late frequently as a teenager and my mum would wake me up at all hours to walk the neighborhood looking for her or listen for the phone (pre internet and cell phones)  It was crazy but my mum would be angry at me if my sister didnt call while she was out on a fruitless search.

Also my mum wouldnt let my dad sleep if she was angry which I have learned is a BPD trait.  Unfortunately she would goad him all night until he got angry.  I learned to be vigilant and always listening for signs of anger.  I distinctly remember my mum having a black eye and feeling confused about who to be angry at/scared of...angry at my dad as the perpetrator but scared of my mum because she was very violent and dangerous when she was angry at my dad.

[Harri]

   It takes a while, but you will get more comfortable coming here for support so keep posting.  Keep pushing at that shame.  It has no place here.   

What you describe with your moms black eye sounds quite confusing.  As an adult it is easy for me to say that neither of them were right and were not safe for you but as a kid I can imagine the internal conflict.    

[Zabava]

Thank you  more than I can express.  Since I have been posting here I have felt so supported and validated.  I feel less anxious and have been able to appreciate my time with my husband and kids more without feeling guilty. 

I hope that with time I can give more than I receive here...Harri it's hard to shake the shame of needing help and "airing the family's dirty laundry"  but I will try.

[Harri]

Zabava, you are giving when you post here though when you feel up to it by all means jump in to other threads.  Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and to push your way through the shame *is* helpful for everyone.

Plus, all of us have something important to share and we know more than we think we do.  Just being able to say I get it helps.

As for sharing and feeling shame about it... I used to feel that way too.  It is only now that I realize I was told/trained to keep things secret.  A retired moderator asked me if I was ever told that when I first got here and my response was I was not sure.   Talk about being well trained and being in a fog and dissociating!  heh

Getting things out in the open is the best way to get rid of the shame so keep it up.   

In the meantime we have this that you might find interesting: Listening to Shame - Brené Brown, PhD