Trying to connect with my adult child has brought so much pain

[Groversnuff]

I have chosen to step aside and pay attention to my own being. Trying to connect with my adult child has brought so much pain. Twisting my words and blaming me for guilting her with anything I say in a simple conversation. As for others in her life It’s been a replay with others in their life as well. at every get together always ends in upset. Never a fulfilling visit.  The adult child is caught up in biased judgmental thinking way Of me a fixed idea. Blaming me as being the problematic one. And than I hear her complaints happening the same way with others as well and it’s all their fault. The adult child is very moody and gets angry over little to nothing. I feel I am walking on eggshells around her it is exhausting.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi Groversnuff and

I'm so sorry that your relationship with your adult child has caused you so much pain. There are many parents here who will relate to what you have written, myself included.

It's great you've decided to step aside and pay attention to your own being. Self-care is critical for those of us who love a pwBPD (person with BPD).

I'm glad you've joined us. We are a super supportive community, a place where you can feel free to vent without fear of judgment. We get it better than anyone else does and we want to help.

Please share more, as you are comfortable, and let us know how we can help you. You don't have to do this alone.

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Groversnuff. I join Only Human in welcoming you to the group and assuring you that you have come to the right place
 It has got to be very painful to be unfairly insulted and rejected by your adult child. If it is any consolation you are not alone. Many members experience that. You may already know that people with BPD "split" a lot meaning they only see others as all good or all bad and it can switch back and forth. My DS24xBPD (dear son 24 diagnosed with BPD) sometimes idolizes me and other times demonizes me. I agree with you that walking away and taking care of yourself is the best idea. You say you are walking on eggshells
 Have you read the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells'?" There is a link to it on the top of this page

[Mirsa]

Hi Groversnuff,

So glad you have joined us. Many of us struggle with adult BPD children, myself included.  However, I keep reminding myself that it is still so much better than living with one! 

How old is your daughter?  Where does she live, how often do you visit?

This is a great place to vent, receive feedback, and I find when posting to others, it helps clarify my thoughts and commitment to self-compassion.  Somehow telling others that my daughter blames and shames me helps to clarify that it is exactly what it is, and that eases my internal consternation about it.  Hope that makes sense. 

What FaithLoveHopeKFC says about splitting is absolutely true.  My BPD DD 17 did that with me a few months ago, going from hating her father and refusing to talk with him for a year, to hating me now and refusing contact with me.  It's been almost six months since she moved out, and it's been a wonderful, peaceful time of self-discovery and learning.  I struggled emotionally a few months ago, but at this point, feel much calmer about all of it, more accepting and serene internally.  These boards helped me get there, no doubt about it.

Welcome!

[Groversnuff]

Hi! Yes she was a perfect daughter! Once she moved out it started! So I am thankful we have not lived together in all that time! She is 30 yrs old.Its Going on 13 years of thinking something was wrong with me with her black & white thinking. It has caused me to loose confidence in myself. We’ve been out of touch 3 weeks now. My self being is gaining my confidence back. She has caused this turmoil with her brother as well. For over 5 months. They do not speak either. She is only an hour an a half away. I do not know where we stand? I don’t know if I am allowed to see my grand daughter. But I want our relationship better before I do. She has escalated this to the point she thinks it’s all me. And she believe I think it’s her issue. It takes 2. To tango. We had a therapist that harmed us more than helped.
The emotional struggle has been debilitating at times. We trigger each other and are to emotionally charged by each other to visit. And we are both stubborn. But I would do anything to see Grand daughter with any body but her! So I hope something gives. To regain our relationship.
Thank u for your response

[Only Human]

Hello again,

I'm glad you're getting your confidence back, though I'm sorry about not seeing your GD (granddaughter). I'm also a grandma, so I know that heartache.

What happened three weeks ago that led to you not being in contact?

~ OH

[Groversnuff]

Yes having a granddaughter is prescious and she is.
I have not been allowed to be with her alone for more than a few hours because my daughter say she does not trust me that my needs out warrant others. Which I don’t understand from her. I raised her and her brother co parenting with my ex. I believe she has resentment of our break up still.
We were in counseling with a therapist on Skype which caused more harm than good. It was 4 ,1 hour sessions nothing can get accomplished in just 4 sessions.we did not get to any underlying issues and bps did not come up. Just the fact that we both are relating in a power struggle.The therapist said I was not on same page with daughter and I said “well, that is why we are here.” For your help! The women I felt was to busy for us and was triggered by us and cut us off from therapy & said to revisit it in 6 months. Which I unlikely going to happen. She said for us to get separate Therapy & daughter does not feel she needs it and so that left us hanging. And just leaving it in daughters court to contact me. And it is a challenge not to contact her I would love to see granddaughter for Easter.

[Only Human]

Hello again,

Thanks for sharing more - it helps us to know where you are, how we can help.

Boy do I understand relating in a power struggle! I tend to be very controlling by nature, not something I'm proud of but something I'm working on. I also was not on the same page with my DD - always thinking she had more control over her behavior than she really does. These last 11 months of us living together has really shone a light on her limitations and I'm working on my own reactions to her behavior in hopes that our relationship will improve. It has, but it's been two steps forward, one back.

We trigger each other and are to emotionally charged by each other to visit. And we are both stubborn. But I would do anything to see Grand daughter with any body but her! So I hope something gives. To regain our relationship.

The reality is that unless you have some sort of relationship with your DD, it's going to be difficult to have a relationship with your GD. I've been in your shoes, wanting to see my GS but not my DD. I've read that one of the most common complaints from children who are estranged from their parents is that the focus is on the GC, not the relationship between adult child and estranged parent. So I stopped asking to see my GS and took steps to repair my relationship with my DD.

This article was one of the first I read here and really helped me with a concrete plan of how to move forward. It may help you too, let us know what you think:

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

As it says in the article, before we can make things better we have to stop making things worse! We must lead the way for our adult children - - modelling appropriate behavior has had some success with my DD25.

Hang in there, Groversnuff! Things can get better. It won't be over night and it won't be a walk in the park, but it will be worth it!

~ OH