Mixed emotions

[Motherfirst]

First and foremost, let me just say how thrilled I am to be a part of this group! This is the first time I have ever had a place to share my pain after 6 long years of absolute chaos with my now former SO as of almost a week ago now. I am here because I made a decision to move on from the madness and torment I have lived in and became so accustomed to and although I know my mind is made up, I do not yet trust myself enough to see this thing thru without support. So a little background on myself and my situation. I was with my BPD SO for a little over 6 years and share two beautiful little girls with him, ages 5 and 2. I am all too familiar with the turmoil and pain that comes with loving and caring for a person who suffers from untreated BPD. The constant inner battle with yourself, the feelings of being torn between a sense of obligation and self-preservation, the complete hopelessness that so often consumes your entire being in trying to help and properly deal with the utter chaos that accompanies anyone who takes on a partnership with a person suffering from this disorder who is not ready to face the music and get the help they need. I have been to hell and back countless times, I have spent years trying to hold a relationship together with someone who claimed to love me and want to make it work while simultaneously destroying me and our families lives over and over with reckless behavior that has caused us to hit rock bottom numerous times over the years. There is so much I am anxious to share here but think it’s important to start from the here and now. My BPD partner of six years and father of my two youngest children has always displayed careless and abnormal behavior but in the last three months or so, his behavior  has  gone from careless and questionable to reckless and utterly insane. I am a mother of 6 with 5 of my six children still under my roof who has not been able to work for the last eight months as a result of dealing with the chaotic behavior of my SO. This has obviously made life for myself and my kids very challenging due to these financial hardships we have been facing but my BPD partner escalated an already challenging situation into complete crisis with his erratic behavior. Long story short, he has gotten a total of four cars impounded, became physically abusive to the point where I was forced to call the police numerous times and have him taken into custody. Thru everything that happened, I did what I’ve always done. I listened to his excuses, I justified his behavior in my own mind, and I let him remain in the household. That is until the most recent episode where he decided it would be a good idea to steal my car keys out of my purse in the middle of the night while I was asleep and go get some drugs. I’m sure the plan was to make this trip in record time and return the keys before I awakened without me knowing anything about it. Unfortunately for him, things did not go according to plan and he got pulled over. Again..so I was awakened at 3am with a phone call from him begging me not to press charges and that he was at the police station, in custody, and my car was impounded. I could talk all day and night about the hell I went thru to get my car back but I will save that for another day. The point is, that somehow served as what they call a ‘moment of clarity ‘ in Alcoholics Anonymous. I decided right then and there I have had enough of this torment and did not let him back in the house or my life. It has now been 6 days and I am happier than I have ever been the past six years and I have absolutely no intention on allowing that madness back into my life ever again..so why do I feel so guilty? Why do I feel like I abandoned him when I know he has no one but me? After all he’s done and with complete disregard for me and the kids, why do I have this deep seeded sense of obligation to care for this man who has put myself and my children in harms way over and over? How do I keep myself separated from him without standing in the way of his relationship with his daughters? Just so many unanswered questions and difficult boundaries to set. I got a text from his mother around midnight saying that she just got a call from one of his siblings saying he’s talking about suicide. She also said ‘if he kills himself, it will be all your fault for putting him out in the first place..I messaged him and asked if he needed to talk. He responded by saying no he doesn’t need to talk he just needs to come home and be with his family, followed by a good hour of begging and empty promises to do better. I’m driving myself half insane contemplating whether or not I’m being heartless and selfish or doing the right thing. I still can’t decide.. I welcome all feedback and insight from anyone who has taken the time to read this, thankyou.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Motherfirst,

i remember when i learned about BPD after a three year relationship, and then learning that there were support groups for this kinda thing! so i know first hand the relief that kind of revelation brings. im glad you reached out, and i hope youll make yourself at home here as part of the family. ive gained real skills for life here.

its a difficult decision that youve made, and are making. we can help you as you explore it.

i think its understandable to feel guilt in your position. youve invested a lot over six years. there has been a lot of turmoil, and there has also been love.

how are you holding up? how are the kids holding up?