How to get my ex back

[Hiscaru]

Hello everybody, I am new to this forum. My ex and I dated for a little over two years and she was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Recently, she decided to cheat on me with another guy. I confronted her about it, unaware at the time that she had BPD, and basically broke it off. Since then it’s been two weeks with minimal contact. She now moved on to actually being with the same guy she cheated on me with. I thought I was treating her perfectly, seeing her everyday, helping her with her struggles, and being a good guy. I don’t know what decision she made in her head to do what she did, but it broke me. I guess my question is, will she come back, and even if she cheated on me, can I forgive her and try to get her back? How should I do so?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

 

That's a stinger. You doing OK?

There is a lot to talk about here, so be patient. It's a process. To recover the relationship. The manage your feelings. To decide what is best for you.

Be patient.

A lot of these flings are impulsive and emotion driven. Not saying that is the case, but it could be. In these cases, the mindset is off, the situation arises, and bad things happen. I lived this myself.

What made sense in the moment may not be consistent with her longer term feelings.

Another thing is that when some has shame (or is avoiding shame), it's often easier to start over than to go back and repair the damage. In the case of infidelity, the damage is often deep and long term - you are just starting to feel it. pwBPD often run from a big storm cloud rather than lean in and face the weather.

Or it could be that there are irreconcilable difference in the relationship - long term value matches that don't get resolved.

That is just a start.

What do you think happened?

What has the contact been like? That is a good sign. What are you talking about?

Hang in there (like that frog on the wall). Two weeks is not a lot. This ballgame is not over.

Skip

PS: I altered your screen name for confidentiality. Your login name stays the same.

[Hiscaru]

Not really okay. She was such a good part of my every day life, and to see someone who you loved and cared for unconditionally just move on like it was nothing is very hurtful. I did so much to help her and be there for her. I guess she just didn't care and needed to move on. Up until that point, everything was peachy in my mind. We were hanging out every day or so, and we were honestly having a great time together. Something in her mind happened I guess, and she decided to do something with another guy. I guess she acquired feelings in doing so, so now they are together. I still love her so much, and I hate seeing her move on like nothing ever happened. Is it possible she's doing this for attention? or do you think something in her mind is telling her this is the right thing to do?

[allovertheplace]

My heart aches for you because I know the kind of pain you must be feeling, i went through something similar this past year and I’m still in the midst of figuring out what’s going on and where to go from here.

Long story short, I had been dating my ex for 3 years when he randomly met a girl, cheated on me a day later,  and then immediately devalued and broke up with me. One day things were loving and totally normal and the very next day he was saying he never loved me and it was like I meant nothing to him. Meanwhile, he was madly “in love” with this girl and they basically lived together for 2 months until things between them blew up. I had no idea that he had BPD at that point and I felt so confused, discarded and empty - I mean it was as if he moved on before we’d even broken up (I even picked him up from her house where’d he spent the night to have our break up conversation).

I can’t say for sure what was going on in your ex’s head and heart, or really even what was going on in my ex’s, but maybe hearing this will give you some closure or reassurance. After not speaking for months, we reconnected (his feelings change to the extreme every five minutes so I have no idea if we’ll be together in the future, so I can’t speak on how to get your ex back because I’m trying so hard but with mine it’s a mess!).  He was extremely apologetic and told me that since we broke up he’d gotten a lot of clarity about his mental health, that he’d been splitting when we broke up and he met the other girl - basically, something in him shifted and he completely “devalued” me while “idealizing” this other girl, who also happened to have BPD. So in their case, they both projected confused intense feelings onto each other, had a brief but intense infatuation (they even thought they were in love after two weeks and he told me at that point he believed he loved her more than he’d ever loved me, that she was “different”). Then when things blew up between them, because I do believe that this sort of misguided infatuation born out of idealization can never really last in a healthy way, he started to slowly see it for what it was. He explained that it wasn’t that he didn’t care about me while he met her and was with her, it was just like his mind had decided I was all bad in the context of being a romantic partner and I sort of didn’t exist. This hit me out of nowhere and was SO out of character, but i know now that it had very little to do with me and our relationship (which was wonderful but in a bit of a rough spot as his mental health had been declining and mine was taking a hit from the abuse as a result. Like the other poster who replied said, we also had some value differences as what he wanted/prioritized in life changed - not necessarily for the better but he decided he wanted to pursue a sort of wild lifestyle that a relationship didn’t fit into. So while I had no idea that this was going on in his head, he was beginning to resent me for “preventing” him from being who he felt he wanted to be and our relationship suffered from that as well. I can’t say what happened for your ex, the trigger could’ve been a bigger underlying issue or an intense momentary one, but try not to read into it at this point. You can’t find the answers yourself and she may not even have them at this point).

So I know how you feel, but my biggest piece of advice is please try not to obsess and blame yourself. I spent months analyzing what I might’ve done to make him suddenly hate me, why I was so worthless compared to this other person, etc. I became so depressed because I got caught in this cycle of self blame trying to understand something that doesn’t really make sense. There is no “why” - it just happened. You aren’t lacking anything compared to this other guy and your relationship wasn’t so meaningless to her that she could move on so quickly - for people struggling with their disorder, their emotions just work so differently. Usually there’s no gray area, it’s black or white, good or bad - in my ex’s case, he had to shut down his emotions for me 100% and attach them to a virtual stranger in order to avoid grieving the loss of our relationship, because he just doesn’t have the emotional coping skills to do so. He’d felt like because we had problems, there was no way to go on - often for pwBPD a drop of negativity taints the entire situation black. Just like my ex wasn’t aware that he was doing that, yours isn’t either. As far as I can tell from what my ex has told me, what I’ve observed, and what my therapist (who specializes in BPD) has observed as well, that’s as close to the “truth” as I’ll ever get about what was really going on in his head - even my ex doesn’t fully understand it.

For now, I say give her some space and focus on rebuilding yourself and strengthening your sense of happiness and peace with your own identity and your own life, that way if/when you guys do reconnect you’re in a really strong emotional place better prepared to deal with the inevitable ups and downs that will follow. I’m still hurting badly, but it’s helped me a lot in letting go to know that it isn’t my fault, it wasn’t malicious on his part (still not okay, but it wasn’t that he hated me and wanted to hurt me), and there isn’t even really some grand reason that it happened. Please know that no matter how she acts or what she says/has said since you broke up, she truly loved and cared for you and I am sure she still does. It’s just that in the moment their intense emotions make them truly feel like they don’t care and that’s hard for us to see and understand, but in the months that I’ve been dealing with my ex’s “I love you I want you” one second and “I didn’t mean that I don’t want you in that way” the next is that usually I’m not triggering those emotional shifts in him, it’s another stressor in his life or just his way of coping. Don’t devalue the wonderful relationship you shared and try not to think about what future you may or may not have with her - for now, take some time to heal because if you approach her while she’s in this devaluation mindset it’ll only incite anger or further devaluing and you’ll feel really hurt by things that might be said that she likely won’t mean, but they’ll feel very real to you and she won’t seem apologetic or come around to invalidate those hurtful words, at least not for a while (believe me, I tried).

Also, I ended up being the one to reach out to my ex because I was spiraling emotionally, so don’t take offense if you don’t hear from her. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care, its just that sometimes for pwBPD they have no sense of object constancy, so if you aren’t present in their lives at the moment, you just don’t exist, especially if you’ve been devalued. It might take you eventually reaching out when things have settled but it takes time. Of course our situations aren’t exactly the same but i know how it feels when the loving amazing person you thought was your best friend suddenly becomes a cold, seemingly indifferent or cruel version of themselves. This is all WAY easier said than done and for me it was and still is very painful, but acceptance will come in doses and you’ll feel more grounded. Reading about other people’s similar experiences has helped me so much and emphasized that this isn’t my fault and my relationship wasn’t inherently flawed - this is just an emotional reaction to trauma or stress that has incited unhealthy coping skills in our significant others and created a chaos that is hard for us to understand. No matter what her actions may lead you to believe, your relationship was just as meaningful and real as you thought it was and these potentially impulsive  decisions of hers likely don’t reflect how she thinks of you or the bond you shared. I hope you’re okay, take care of yourself.

[Hiscaru]

I appreciate your response, yea it really sucks. She was everything to me, and she felt no remorse, or atleast it feels like she doesn’t. It’s been a while since we actually broke up, and I haven’t texted her now for five days, and she hasn’t texted me. We broke up three weeks ago. I hate seeing her go. Going from constantly seeing her, constantly getting texts, to being ghosted completely when all I did was help her and love her. In my mind, I know I’m strong and I know I can’t text her, I have to let her do her thing. But a part of me hates that, and a part of me hates the fact that somebody else is gonna have her. When we initially broke up, because I found out she cheated, we talked about it, and as a friend, I went to her lacrosse games, took her out to eat, etc... trying to show that I still loved and cared for her. And when we went out these couple of times everything seemed absolutely normal. She was laughing with me, hugging me, etc. then all of the sudden he must have convinced her somehow to stop talking to me completely.

[once removed]

it is really hard when someone is a significant part of your daily life, and then disappears from it. its a real double whammy that there was cheating involved.

as Skip said, sometimes these things have to play out. you were together for a long time...even having moved into a new relationship for now, she likely has some unfinished business, so to speak.

you mentioned youve been in minimal contact until the past few days. what had the contact been like?

[allovertheplace]

Once removed is right, unfortunately it's a waiting game for now. I know how agonizing that feels - it leaves a giant void in your life.

What she wants/feels probably changes a lot because emotionally she's likely in a volatile place. Since my ex and I reconnected, I've been told that he loved me, wanted to be with me, etc. and then the exact opposite. He'll go from calling me every day to being indifferent and not reaching out for weeks. If/when you do hear from her, take what she says with a grain of salt; her feelings are real, but you also can't expect those emotions to be permanent - they could flip flop at any moment. So I wouldn't take her ghosting you as an indication of how things will always be, just have faith that you'll get your chance to talk to her in time.

I finally realized that there's no point in trying to guess at these feelings or understand them - you're right to feel like her shifting from being happy and normal to disappearing is a really dramatic change that makes no sense, especially when nothing between you happened to trigger it. That's something that came from within her or an outside factor - either way, you can't control it - instead, try to focus on the things you can control: your life, your family/friends, school or your career, doing things that make you happy.

It absolutely sucks to think about her being with someone else - try not to torture yourself  imagining it, because I know that tore me apart. Of course you want to be there for her and show her kindness and love, but don't forget that regardless of what was going on in her head, how she hurt you was wrong and shouldn't be overlooked. We spend a lot of time trying to understand their feelings and get them back in our lives while we neglect our own feelings and the responsibility they have for creating that pain. What I try to do is focus on myself and building up my own life and mentally putting my situation with my ex on the periphery - it will evolve, but her emotions have to catch up and that takes time.

[Hiscaru]

I'm going to give a timeline so that maybe things make a little more sense. I found out that she cheated on me the 17th of march which was a Sunday. The night before, Saturday, I had an uneasy feeling, like something wasn't right. I texted her once or twice during the night because she was supposedly at her friends house, and she never replied to me. I guess I just knew something wasn't right based off of the vibe I was getting. I woke up on Sunday, still feeling uneasy.

This is where it gets a little emotional for me.

I woke up, and my mom immediately walked into me room and confronted me. My brother, who I have mutual friends with since he is a year younger told my mom something about Saturday night. His friend, was at a party, which my ex was at aswell. My ex told my brothers friend not to tell me that she was there, afraid I would get angry because she didn't tell me she was going. Now I'm not a control freak, or someone who controls your every move, I let her do her thing, all I asked was for communication, and clearly she didn't communicate with me that she was going to a party. Whilst at this party, that same friend accidentally walked into the bedroom and saw some things that still piss me off and get me angry to this day... You all know what it was most likely.

I was mortified, in disbelief. The plan for Sunday was to go and pick her up from her house at noon, but as soon as I found out I got into my car and called her asking for an address, telling her I knew what happened and that I was coming to get her. So I did, I drove to the house and picked her up. As you can imagine, I was very angry, and tried not to lash out and yell. We went to my house, and had a very emotional moment. We both cried, and we both were very uneasy. I drove her home after a short talk at my house, and that was that.

The next couple days, I tried to forgive and forget, attempting to "win her back" even though I'm not much of a beggar. I went to her lacrosse games, she looked at me frequently and smiled at me, we had a good time. I took her out for pizza, and went to the movies, again she was very happy and very open with me, like nothing was wrong. Then things took a nose dive, she told me that she had feelings for the other guy, and for me. I was devastated even more. In my mind I thought that me attending her games and taking her out was a short step into attempting to rectify the situation, I told her that she isn't to blame, even though she is, and told her that I would welcome her back with open arms. This all happened the following week.

That Wednesday was technically the last time I saw her. I dropped her off at her house, we hugged, and that was basically it. From that point on until about five days ago, we kept in touch, but nothing like we did before. She would text me occasionally if she needed help, emotionally, which made no sense to me because if she was already pursuing another man, she should go to him for help right? anyways, I dropped off her things last Sunday, and from that point on their has been no contact at all between us. I blocked her on snapchat, and instagram. The only thing I have left is her phone number which I will never delete or block because I of course still love her and if she needs me as a friend I'll still be there for her.

The last thing I sent her was on Thursday, and it said "Just letting you know that i love you, and I'm here for you if you need me" and their was no response.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is I'm not trying to be a that guy that won't leave an ex alone, but I'm trying to figure things out. I want her back one second, and I don't the next. I know that no contact is a big thing during a breakup for people, is that the same for someone with BPD? Sorry for the long post, I needed to get a lot out so that maybe you guys and gals can offer some advice on the matter. Should I reach out after a couple weeks, or should I stay clear and let her go?

[allovertheplace]

Yeah, I think no contact is the way to go for now. Even though she didn't respond, the last message you sent her made it clear that you love her and you're here for her if/when she's ready to reach out. From what I understand, a big part of BPD is the fear of being abandoned so the whole "I'm gonna act like I'm walking out so he/she will chase me" thing  might just make her retreat further.

In my experience, reaching out soon after our breakup (within the same month) only created more confusion. My ex was still in a devaluation mindset so he said a lot of hurtful things that he didn't mean in hindsight, but I had to live with them for months until he told me that. It's hard to hold yourself back, but if she's not ready to figure things out you won't get anywhere trying to communicate. My guess is that she'll probably just shut you out further.

Even though it feels so against your nature after someone used to be a part of your daily life, I think no contact is important for pwBPD too, especially if they seem to be initiating it. It's a weird balance between not making them feel abandoned/like you're ignoring or leaving them but also not overcrowding them and making them feel engulfed, which is the other side of a common BPD fear. Reaching out too much might overwhelm her and cause her to retreat because she's not ready to deal with the situation because a lot of intense emotions are involved. Sometimes I find that the "right" thing to do is exactly the opposite of what my instincts are - when I'm itching to text my ex to talk and get answers I try to stop myself because 9 times out of 10 that just causes him to lash out at me and disappear (but sometimes it's impossible not to ask what's going on, because being caught up in this push/pull cycle is really confusing and painful as I'm sure you know). Do your best and try not to blame yourself for her emotional reactions - sometimes I feel like every text I send or word I say is "do or die," like it has the power to completely control the situation, but try not to analyze that much. We don't have control over a lot of their emotional cycles.

I say for now don't reach out and try to keep your mind on taking care of yourself as much as you can. Don't even think that far ahead in the future because in a few weeks things could change completely - I went from being curled up in a ball accepting that I'd probably never hear from my ex again to snuggling in his basement the very next day. The emotional shifts can be really jarring and sudden and there's no way for us to predict what may/may not happen because our emotions just work very differently. Take it a day at a time, see how you feel in a few weeks and then maybe re-evaluate.