The BPD male: Nowinski vs Schreiber

[Jbombjas]

I’ve read tons or research on the BPD male which seems to be a largely different, slightly more narcissistic approach to the illness. I’m stuck. I have been “loving” a man for 6 months that I barely see. We don’t talk much. He says it’s just sex but checks in on my multiple times a day & asks to see me constantly. He always flakes when we actually make plans and can never EVER express any emotion or concern for my wellbeing. I haven’t even seen him in months but he won’t let me go. I’ve written all kinds of love letter to him even telling him I think he has BPD and he will withdraw for a few days and then come back. But it is all only sexual between us even though we still have yet to have sex! I’m not here to get lectured on if he is good for me or how I should take better care of myself or if I’m being used, etc. I know he isn’t in the long run and will never open up or care about me much. My question herein lies in a desperate attempt from my codependency to understand him and try to do the right thing by him, not me. I care about him.  I’m good at setting boundaries and taking care of myself but I want help with two things. I’m at my wits end on his constant teasing and arousing me but never following through & his unrealistic expectations & impulses to see me at times I cannot. His disappeanxes ans lies and never answering me. He will never ever express any emotion nor approach it with me.  But again I’m desperate & want to do right him. And understand what I’m dealing with.

One the one hand, I’ve read tons of research that a BPD male desperately wants to be loved. He loves being loved. He is detached but in there are lots of feelings. He uses sex to relieve his anxiety and fear of rejection. He is possessive but totally detached. I mean, he fits the male BPD criteria to a T that nowonski specifically maps out very well.

On the other I have read Dr Shari schreibers site and it scares the he’ll out of me. How cold and manipulative and unlovable these men are. And lots of things she has written about surely ring bells for me-his inability or unwillingness to cum (sorry if that offends), his constant need to be needed & loved by me, the detached excessive texts with nothing but a check in, and his constant need to control especially through sex. He never communicates. Avoids feeling at all costs. Ignores me when he doesn’t want to talk about (anything). It scares me.

Has anyone read her page about the male borderline? Has anyone read “hard to love” by Nowinski or his traits on the male borderline
I hope it’s ok to post these links:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-almost-effect/201405/men-borderline-personality-disorder%3Famp

https://sharischreiber.com/the-male-borderline/

I wonder if she lacks compassion or do I lack perspective? I don’t want to believe this man is cold and sadistic and cruel. But his actions don’t show much to the contrary. He has shown me brief brief brief bouts of charm and also kindness but most seem to be manipulations. But he also just seems like a fragile little boy who does want to be loved but is so scared of it he keeps me at arms length. And refuses all emotion.

Is this man lovable? I mean is loving him from a distance enough? Im ok with how things are knowing they won’t ever end up anywhere as long as I know this man has a heart and he’s not just a narcissist/sociopath with no feelings. I want to make him feel good and be nurtured and loved and think I provide that to him regardless of where I end up with him. I mean. It would never work. But I want him to have someone who, if even as his friend, stays for him. If he isn’t just a cruel mean person.

I just don’t know what to do. Perspective wise. Do I think these horrible things the Dr writes or do I continue with where I was -loving him from afar because I think somewhere in there he has feelings and emotjons and suffers and deserves love and forgiveness and kindness. If he is a cold love avoidant cruel sadistic robot, I want out. Entirely. And immediately. And I’m torn between the two notions.

I’m desperate for help on this. I am 50/50 that he is a horrible person or just a sad one who has an absolute inability to show feelings to me or any woman 

Any perspective or advice would help

[AskingWhy]

Jbombjas, I am so sorry to hear about what you are reading and your awakening to the fact that you are in a R/S with a BPD man.

Men, as you know, don't usually get diagnosed with BPD as it's seen as a "women's illness."

It's painful to know in your heart that your man is BPD.  You know all the signs.

My H of twenty years is uBPD.  I did not know it until about 10 years ago, but before that I knew something was dreadfully wrong in the pit of my stomach.  For years, I thought the rages, the demands, the insults and name-calling and the out of proportion anger was my fault.  I came to understand through reading (books and online) that my husband was a very sick man, and there was a name for his illness.

I no longer love my H as I once did. He is an emotional toddler, capable of only contentment and rage.  He puts his adult children ahead of me in all things:  financially and emotionally.  I am his emotional punching bag when something in his life makes him unhappy (I now know how to cope with this).  My love for him is now next to nothing, so I really don't care about his dysregulations and divorce threats any longer.  It took me years to get to this place.  

I know he comes from a perversely dysfunctional family, so I know why he is the way he is, but I know I don't deserve the second class treatment I get from him.  

Please look at your own self care first, and worry about this R/S second.  You are not the reason for his illness, and you are not his caretaker.  Do not allow your pity and your guilt to control your own self interests, financial security or personal safety.

A good book to start with is, "Walking On Eggshells," by Randi Kreger.  You may know of this already.

Be well and be aware of your needs in a R/S and do not compromise them.  

[Notwendy]

Both BPD and NPD exist on a spectrum and IMHO, the most extreme of the NPD spectrum is the cold, sadistic type. For BPD, I think their behavior is a manifestation of their own inner pain. They are hurtful due to their own hurt.

I think the Shari Screiber perspective is on the more negative end, but also I think some individuals fit that picture.

The bottom line though, for all of us in these types of relationships is ourselves. You won't hear a "run now" message here as this is truly an individual decision.

Whether or not this man is intentionally cruel - he is emotionally and physically unavailable. It may be more helpful to you to decide if loving someone who doesn't seem to be able to connect with you emotionally is what you want, and if so, why are you making this choice?

For some of us, myself included, it's how our original families modeled love for us. It feels familiar and meets a need of ours- abandonment, distance. It can over time, feel emotionally hurtful. If this relationship is causing you to feel emotional pain, then that is something to consider, whether or not this man is intentionally trying to hurt you.

[babyducks]

Welcome Jbombjas
 
We do spend time here discussing the sources you mentioned.    Later, when I am not posting from a smart phone I will come back with some links for you.

Shari Schreberi does not have the best reputation or credentials.   I believe she has experienced problems with the professionals in her field.   It's always a good idea to investigate the source of the information we find on the Internet.

Perspective wise,  I would say your own view,  your own conclusions have the most value.

Do you think he is capable of some of the things you have read?

[Jbombjas]

Thank you for your replies.

I’m truly not sure. I don’t know him that well. I certainly know my issues and why I’m doing what I’m doing-a recovering addict, empath, and person w large abandonment issues, to start.

I feel inside there he is a sweet person. He just avoids any type of contact. Any communication. Any questions. He is not a man of his word. He flakes constantly whether it’s a call back or a bowing out of texting on a proper note. But I’ve written him many long kind letters and I know he reads all of them. And I see how he reacts to them. His lack of physical presence is extremely frustrating. As well as his emotional. Sometimes I think that he has started to somehow feel close to me, so he just panics and cannot bear actually meeting up. He is attached and doesn’t want to let me go but refuses to face any sort of recovery or communication. He is a chronic pot smoker. But maybe I’m just flattering myself. He could just be using my love for his supply/fuel.

I see the dynamics of our relationship. It just seems odd to me that he simply won’t meet (we have maybe tried maybe a couple times where is just didn’t work and one of us actually was out of time) and when posed w any question or boundary, he disappears. Of course, I’ve set a standard of tolerance at this point, but his behavior has progressed. I mean he used to call me on FaceTime at least. Sure it was mostly sexual but I saw him. And it wasn’t manipulative. It was a just a sweet fragile little boy using sex to feel better. But I have been known to see the good in people who are demons!

I do think Dr Schreiber is a bit nasty and lacks compassion. And yes. You are correct. Check your source! I appreciate your insights on that. I lean towards Nowinski on how he is. I’m expecting his book today. I don’t expect it to go far, but I’m trying my best to care about someone who really does deserve love.and I think really wants it. He’s not a sadist.  I can take care of myself.  

Any other insights are appreciated. Thanks everyone.

[once removed]

schreiber is not a doctor or a mental health professional of any kind (she eschews the mental health community believing they all have BPD). just a blogger with a product to sell.

independent review here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273738.0

it sounds like you are dealing with someone who may have some fear of intimacy. he may prefer the sexual activity/words, but not want to go all the way. or, he may simply be comfortable with what the two of you have.

can you work with that?

[babyducks]

hi Jbombjas

as I mentioned here is the link:   

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=320331.0

there are several links embedded inside that one... and several other reviews of Schreiber on this site.     Lots of varied opinions.

you probably know from all your reading that BPD and NPD, over lap.   actually many PD's and other mental health issues overlap with BPD and NPD.   CPTSD and BPD over lap.   Bipolar and BPD.     Avoidant Personality Disorder and Asperger's...well I could make a long list.   that's why even trained professionals are slow to make a diagnosis

what is always suggested here on this site is to focus on behaviors and actions, not labels.    It sounds like the one behavior that you are struggling with is his lack of physical presence?   Did I get that right?   

the other suggestion that seems to help right out of the gate is to look at communication tools and skills as they are described in the workshops here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

people who are not neuro typical or who fall on the spectrum for BPD or another cluster B disorder have a different and some times difficult communication style.    typically that is because they are struggling with their own intense emotions.   Often we find if we change or modified our communication style we can connect in a better way.

what do you think?

ahhh I see once removed came back with a link also.    Thanks

[Skip]

This is Shari Schreiber...


Date: 10-2017Minutes: 3:48
God | Shari Schreiber

[Jbombjas]

THANK YOU! I’ll definitely obsess over those links! Hahaha.

Yes. Labels don’t mean much to me. Really just want to understand him and if he is in pain and not some purposeful sadist, help as best I can to be there for him. Labels only help me understand him but from here I’ve read enough & thank you, yes, am willing to focus on his actions only. I don’t think he is a nasty intentioned Person. Unfortunately, without help, however, this guy is pretty extreme and may be impossible to love, even as a friend from a distance.

I’ve certainly tried all the communication tools. Nothin really works. He is very closed off. He ignores virtually everything. And yes. I believe he using sex to feel lack of rejection and quell his anxiety. Maybe to feel close or that I’m still there too.

Most of the time he’s distant or withdraws and I’m off by myself anyway. So the physical presence is not that bad although I definitely would like more. It’s more that he can’t communicste. Not one bit. Or he’ll tease me and get me excited to see him only to disappear. And he Cant even tell me he cares or anything. Not a feeling. He used to get angry w me a lot, but he doesn’t anymore. I attribute that to it being silent angry now and he also trusts me enough to stay and not try to push me away. That’s nice at least!at least I think so. I hope it doesn’t signify less caring. He sure won’t leave me alone tho. He always comes back even though it is vapid and empty.

I’m just relieved to hear Dr Schreiber be a bit unforgiving. It put me in tears last night thinking that he is that cruel & premeditated. and I certainly have responsibility in this dance we do. But I know in my heart now, he’s not.

I’ve laid down some big boundaries for him lately that I’m now enforcing. This virtual relationship just isn’t enough for me. He has to try.

Excited to read the articles. Gosh. It’s in HIS best interest to try. To open up. Yet he chooses the poor interest route. Of course, I can understand that with years of being an addict. I just didn’t know I was or what was wrong.

[Jbombjas]

This is Shari Schreiber...

Whoa. Thank you. I’m a scorpio too! Hahahaba. She’s a bit off. Very bitter. Egocentric. A lil off. Thank you!

[Jbombjas]

schreiber is not a doctor or a mental health professional of any kind (she eschews the mental health community believing they all have BPD). just a blogger with a product to sell.

independent review here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273738.0

it sounds like you are dealing with someone who may have some fear of intimacy. he may prefer the sexual activity/words, but not want to go all the way. or, he may simply be comfortable with what the two of you have.

can you work with that?

No. I need a little more. JUST A LITTLE! somethin! I don’t think he doesn’t want sex. I think there’s more to that story. Maybe even premature ejaculation issues. And fear. Lots of panic and fear. I do think he likes what we have. But it’s empty. It’s nothing. He guarding me. So no. It’s not enough for me. Somethin has gotta give. I have seen tiny tiny improvements in our relationship over time. So for now I’ll stay and see what transpires. I care about him so much.

[babyducks]

I think labels put us in the ball park.    Give us a place to start a conversation or a place to begin unraveling.    So they are helpful in that regard.   I think they become unhelpful when we use them as a tool to box someone in.

you mentioned boundaries that you are enforcing?   would you mind saying more about those?     Boundaries are sometimes tricky things.   Boundaries are for me. They should spring from my values, and reflect me.     They aren't punishments or deals.

One of my first boundaries was 'I am not at my best after 8PM at night.  I want to have personal deep relationship conversations when I am at my best.   Since understand and communicating are important to me I will stop or curtail any discussion where I am getting fatigued.'      All about me.    Not about my Ex or her habit of wanting to have deep complicated talks just as I was going to bed.

what do you think?

[Jbombjas]

Maybe I’m being too rigid. But I always cave. And he never ever hears anything I say anyway. Anything I set in place gets ignored for what he wants.
I’ve set quite a few but they a reasonable. Perhaps to someone with this Iness however it may be daunting or overwhelming or entirely un doable. I don’t know.

1) sleepovers & cuddling & kissing
2) dinner or breakfast together/to do things together
3) communication & plans
4) ability & courtesy to say yes & no or goodbye instead of disappearing or ignoring
5) expression of appropriate feelings : “ I feel angry, hurt, neglected, frustrated, rejected...when u...,” “I need space, time, etc”
6) slow inclusion into each other’s life/sharing/TALKING-about your day, your life, my day, my life, things that interest you or me, etc. - like friends would do
7) compromise
8) be willing to come to my place
9) willingness & desire to see me even when sex isn’t on the menu
10) respect & consideration for me & my time
11) being able to use the phone & text courteously
12) reliability/no flaking - follow through with plans
13) basic companionship


I’ve stated that I’m willing to compromise. That maybe he’s not willing to do all of them. Maybe he can’t.. That maybe not all of them will happen. Or maybe mistakes will happen. But when I write these things and anything like this ever, all I ever get is no response. So what’s the point?

I know he wants me around. He texted me today with some childish statements clearly showing me he wants me to stay. But I’m not sure even one of these items will ever happen. Maybe they are too much and overwhelming him? Or maybe he is just not capable of anything and never will be. I know he probably never even knows what he’s feeling let alone how to express it. I just want to guide him to the right place to start. I’ve been there. I have no idea what I’m doing.

[Notwendy]

This is a good list, but technically, it isn't boundaries. Boundaries are not stipulations we place on another person, they are decisions we make about ourselves. Looking at babyduck's example:

'I am not at my best after 8PM at night."  A boundary generally starts with "I". She could have written " you will not initiate a serious discussion after 8 pm" but that is a stipulation on the other person. We can't change another person. Her partner may choose to bring up a serious topic after 8, but with this boundary, babyduck will not engage in it.

Our boundaries reflect our own values. They also may lead us to difficult choices. One example might be " I will have fidelity in my relationship" indicating that fidelity is an important value. But what if the partner cheats? With this boundary, the partner has a choice- to honor the boundary and keep the relationship or not.

You may say you value communication, or cuddling, but if he can not or won't do that, then this value needs to be reconsidered on your part. In general our true boundaries are things we don't wish to compromise on.

One of your statements "courteous on phone and text" could be a boundary. " I will not engage any further on the phone if communication isn't respectful". So then, if he starts to say or text disrespectful things, you state: this isn't respectful communication. I am glad to speak to you later when you can speak respectfully- and you disengage.

Try to think of the boundaries in "I" terms and your actions if your friend steps over the line with one.

[Jbombjas]

This is so helpful. I know some of these are so vague that he wouldn’t even know what to do with them anyway, like, “communication”. I mean what wound that even mean to someone who doesn’t know he can’t communciate or how!

I am going to put some thought into this and come back. I really really appreciate the help.

I initially wrote these items as a way of saying a firm, I won’t see you anymore/continue with you unless you consider doing these items but I now see I need to be more specific, and some things are just unrealistic. Baby steps!

Thank you!

[babyducks]

'I am not at my best after 8PM at night."  A boundary generally starts with "I". She could have written " you will not initiate a serious discussion after 8 pm" but that is a stipulation on the other person. We can't change another person. Her partner may choose to bring up a serious topic after 8, but with this boundary, babyduck will not engage in it.
 

To follow up with what Notwendy said.    Of course my Ex wanted to have all sorts of serious emotional relationship conversations at bed time, after I decided I couldn't do that.   I never said to her 'this is my boundary, you need to respect it'.   I slowly and gently started to implement it.    The first time some deep serious topic came up I explained.    I said 'boy I do want to talk about this but lets do it in the morning'.    I got back 'No I want to talk about it now.'    I said 'sheesh I wish I could but I am awfully tired and I am going to bed in 30 minutes.'    I got a slam 'you are always too tired to do anything', which I ignored.    I probably explained the boundary once or twice more.    in about the same ways.     and then I just did it.    I always made sure to leave the door open for a good conversation when we were both ready for it.   matter of fact we made a little ritual around deep relationship conversations... we found a way for both of us to be comfortable.    or I should say we tried too.   didn't always work.   sometimes I forget.   sometimes she needed to talk at midnight.    but over all it was better.

[allovertheplace]

Chiming in to say that I relate to a lot of your experiences. I dated a man with BPD for 3 years before things blew up. The first 2.5 years were wonderful - I felt very loved and secure, he was super loyal, a part of the family. We had some issues, many of them related to his severe OCD, the dysfunctional models of love/relationships that he got from his extremely hostile parents, and eventually his tendency to rage at me and designate me as the source of his problems and hold the day hostage until I gave up and apologized. We broke up about 7 months ago and it was like a complete shift in character - sudden cheating, cutting me off, splitting, forgetting I existed - "I never loved you/was attracted to you" and all of that crap. Really painful and confusing for me because despite his issues, which I'd always been more than happy to support him through because he did the same for me, he'd never ever been such a cruel person. In fact, he was so giddy and optimistic and goofy and sweet most of the time - that's the person I knew.

Since then the sweet little boy craving love persona that you identified in your guy is much less present in mine - this used to be him 95% of the time, with moments of rage and indifference sprinkled in as time went on. Now he's mostly detached with the person I "used to know" peeking in every once in a while. He always held his family and friends at arms length, but grew really attached to myself and my family, but since we've reconnected he has distanced even me in the same way. Very indifferent to people walking out of his life, jerking me around with I love you/want you vs. I hate you/I'll never want you feelings - I'm wrapped up in a very dysfunctional "relationship" with him that mirrors yours in a lot of ways.

Sexuality in BPD men is something that I haven't heard much about but I'm happy to find someone I can relate to! He is very controlling with sex, it's all about serving him but at the same time he can only function in a submissive role. After all this time we still haven't actually had sex - he's admitted that he harbored a lot of insecurity about some of his preferences/performance anxiety which is where I think the fear of sex and being in the position to pleasure somebody else comes from. There's also definitely an OCD cleanliness aspect to it as well as general inexperience and I would guess a fear of real intimacy. He'll be very overtly sexual and make me feel desired, but he can never follow through and then comes off as selfish and almost arrogant about it. For the longest time I blamed myself for this (as did he during our breakup), but hearing from him and others that this is an internal thing for him has eased a lot of the self judgment I had.

He's also become a heavy pot user, which he'd never touched before. Self-medicating and trying to numb himself almost, but he insists that although he knows he's "sick" (his words), he's totally fine and functioning and doesn't need to change it. One week he loves me and wants to be with me (in an open relationship though, because he's commitment avoidant now and has a weird fixation on having multiple sexual partners - for validation maybe?) and he'll call and facetime constantly, the next he says he never meant those things and he'll act like I don't exist or he'll make plans with me and be so excited about seeing me, then accuse me of being clingy when I follow up on them. It's mind boggling. There have been instances of violence (not towards me, more like punching brick walls) and intense rages and verbal abuse where he'll tell me he hates me and I cause him so much pain and basically that he wants me gone, but he won't let me leave at the same time, when I try he says he "doesn't accept that." I relate in the sense that if I'm not enough or you don't want me, why not let me go?

All that being said, I KNOW that he is a wonderful, sweet sensitive person beneath it all. Not that his behavior isn't a reflection of who he is or excusable, because this is a real part of him. But while he can definitely do/say some of the cruel things you've read about, I can't buy that he's an evil, sociopathic person. I've known him for far too long and far too well - I think he's just very hurt, scared, and alone and unsure of who he is and who he's supposed to be and something recently triggered his complete descent into isolation, insecurity, and fear of intimacy. He retreats into himself or surrounds himself with tons of friends who only know him on a surface level but probably validate his sense of being wanted/loved.

I think that, at least in my experience, many men with BPD aren't consciously manipulating or abusing us - even if they can get some clarity after the fact and apologize and swear they'll change, they're pretty helpless to recognize and amend those behaviors in the moment unless they get help. I've had moments with my ex in the past few months where he seems so lucid, like he's recognized everything that he's done and finally come back down to earth so to speak and he'll tell me and my friends and his family all of these grand feelings he has, then days later he comes off as a completely different human being and I'm worthless to him.

I love him hopelessly but I'm starting to realize that no amount of love and support can change or heal him. I come from a very loving family and I've poured that into him since day 1 - his family argues that I "changed his life" and pulled him out of complete isolation by showing him unconditional love for probably the first time (I don't want to sound like a savior though, I'm far from perfect and he's shown me so much love and helped me grow  in so many ways - I needed him as well). But that validation only lasts so long, they have to want to change and I've found that the more support and love I offer, the more I become a target of blame and subject myself to intense emotional abuse. I'm also a fixer and a codependent, though we met when we were very young and I was far more naive than you seem (he wasn't even diagnosed with BPD until after we broke up so both of us were totally in the dark).

It's difficult and I won't tell you to just detach and move on because you deserve better, etc. because I know that I'm being self-destructive in staying in his life but I just can't get myself to the point of pulling away, even when he's pushing me, because I know the pull cycle will come back around and the sweet, loving person that's familiar to me will resurface for  a bit. Yet I'm in so much pain and have been for months and I'm just torturing myself at this point. Prioritize your mental and emotional health, though, and try not to give him more thought, love, and attention than you give to yourself. I know I spend far too much time reading about BPD, analyzing my ex's actions and words, and trying to adjust mine to appease him or attempt to keep his feelings consistent.

It would be a lot easier if we could just write them off as sociopaths that just want to suck all of the love and compassion out of us and discard us immediately afterwards. And sometimes that's what they seem to do (my experience exactly, discarded and replaced), but I don't think it comes from a malicious place. Like you said, I really think he's just hurting and confused and a lost little boy of sorts who switches between craving love and intimacy but fears losing it and then puts up intense defenses. But just because it isn't intentional and we empathize with them doesn't mean the way they treat us is okay in any sense of the word - I totally understand your dilemma and I don't know what to do with my own situation/how to negotiate those two realities so this isn't really advice, just wanted to share my experience in solidarity  Your empathy and concern for him is really admirable and the fact that you're coming here to get some insight into how you can love and support him in a helpful way says a lot.

[Notwendy]

Loving an unattainable wounded soul seems to be a common characteristic for some of us. We will tolerate all kinds of treatment, because we want to love and understand the lovable wounded soul inside this troubled person.

It's also a characteristic of adult children of alcoholics and dysfunction. Dysfunctional families have similar dynamics as families with an alcoholic family member: https://adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/

Sometimes, I think we are acting out what we wish someone would do for us- love us enough to heal our own childhood hurts. But nobody can do that for someone else. We have to address our own, and so do the people we care about.

Unrequited love seems to be a theme for me since my teens when I began to have crushes on and eventually date when older- guys who just didn't return the emotional investment I had in them. On a much milder scale thankfully, I married one. Although he is emotionally invested in me and our children, he doesn't display or express emotions well and it has been hard for me to connect on a deeper level. I too assumed he was someone who had been hurt and if only I showed him enough love, it would change this.

I finally decided to change this tendency to love unavailable wounded souls, I would work on my own childhood hurts. I realized that some of my craving to be emotionally closer to my H came from the thinking that this is what I needed to take care of my own hurts- from parents who were emotionally unavailable to me ( BPD mom).  I believed growing up that if I could only be good enough, they would love me the way I wanted to be loved. But they could only do what they are emotionally capable of and did the best they could. My H as well is doing the best he can. These men who you are trying to connect to may also be doing all they can, but is this good for you too?

Something to think about when you are feeling so much desire for these unattainable beautiful but wounded souls. You also have a beautiful and loving soul that needs some nourishment. You may find that when you give this soul some self love, you don't crave the unattainable love you feel you do. These men could represent to you what you actually need- and you can provide it by turning the focus less on them, and more on to you. You deserve to be loved too.

[Jbombjas]

Thanks everyone for their posts. I’m just at a loss for all the pain the everyone feels in here. Sometimes I think I’m dating the exact same man as some of these people.

I have no doubts I am trying to recreate and heal my childhood wounds. I have always been aware of this -finding the unavailable man and trying to heal my abandonment wounds only to find he can’t heal them and in fact, causes me to recreate the pain over and over. I have tried to date other men. Break the patterns. Sadly, I am best when on my own. Then every once in a while one of these men comes along and woos me and I fall into their trap. This one I tried to stay away from for 3 months. I said no and knew he was borderline right from the start. Somehow he persisted and I caved.

I will survive yet again and certainly know what I deserve. It’s time to move on. He is entirely incapable of any kind of intimacy. He won’t open up. He won’t have a conversation. He won’t meet anymore.  I have no idea what he doesr with his life day to day or anything abokt him. He won’t answer any personal questions and he certainly won’t express feeling. Everything has become a conquest and desire to qwell his sexual impulses and insecurity. In some ways I’m sad I was never given the opportunity that many of you had to be with these men. They are charismatic and charming and deeply emotional on a sense that they care and are sweet. And in others I’m glad I have not had to suffer the immense heartbreak that follows. For me, it is an addiction of some sorts that I need to suffer the withdrawals yet again, and move on.

Thanks for everyone support. I am here for anyone if they need mine. Xo