Lots going on - need help

[rudyb]

It's been an interesting situation for me for the last several years and I'm starting to understand it better and better as my wife and I are in therapy together.  About 6 years ago, we invited my wife's mom to live with us so that she would take care of the kids.  Since then, we've been through pretty constant turmoil and walking on egg shells with her.  Our therapist recently described the symptoms of BPD and there is no doubt that my mother in law is the "witch" persona that is described in the Borderline Mother.  Now, what is more interesting is that I am picking up on my wife having borderline traits as well.  These are not directed at our kids (we have three), but are directed at me.  Honestly, we are doing alright considering the circumstances of dealing with all of this.  One issue that I have which exasperates this situation is that I have an anger problem and have difficultly not overreacting to issues.  I have gotten better at this thru therapy, but still struggle when faced with some of the day to day roller coaster that I see.

Here is where I need help - I need friends who have been through this and can help to guide me on how to handle this.  This is a difficult topic for my wife because while she believes her Mom has BPD, she hates hearing that she exhibits these tendencies as well.  I really badly need a friend outside of our therapist to help mentor and guide me through this.

Additionally, I need resources - books, blogs, podcasts and whatever I can get my hands on to help me to handle this and gain a path forward.  Please help - I am in no way helpless as I am finding things on my own, but I really really need more right now and like support.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi rudyb, and

youve come to the right place, friend. we can help you get and stay grounded. you can get good feedback here, as well as support.

i think that a lot of us struggle in our relationships, with anger, with overreacting, or with underreacting and woundedness. theyre challenging relationships, no doubt. a lot of us cope in ways that are understandable, but dont necessarily help matters. we can learn new, better coping mechanisms and control over our lives. there are a whole host of tools that can help you in your circumstances.

the first tool that we teach here is called Wisemind, the synthesis between our emotional and logical mind. gaining control and mindfulness over our triggers and our reactions can help us make better decisions when the pressure is on: https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

living with two people with BPD traits is doubly challenging! its not uncommon for parents in law to be a source of tension in the relationship, but i imagine you must be pretty stressed. it will help in addition to posting on this board, to visit the Parent/Sibling/In-law board.

for now, what would you say is the primary source of conflict between you and your wife?

[Harri]

Hi.  I want to join once removed in saying welcome!   I also second his recommendation to check out the parent, sibling and in-law board when you get a minute.  That is the board i usually post on and many of us are working on healing from growing up with an abusive parent.  It is not uncommon at all to pick up the traits of a parent though i can understand how your wife might get upset at the idea of being like her mom.  It is hard to wrap your head around that while also remembering how things were.

Anyway, back to you.  I think you will do very well here in terms of getting support.  We have a great Library for reference material and a lot of people on this board who are working on learning tools and skills to use in their relationship.  That will help you with your wife but also with your kids.  With g-ma in the house, it will be really important for you to be a stable and validating influence for them.  Even if the conflict between you and your wife and MIL are not directed towards them, being in an environment with a lot of conflict is not good for them (or you).

Anyway, settle in and read and post and jump into other threads.  We all help and support each other here.