Adult Daughter Says She Has BPD

[_Kyra_]

About a year ago our daughter told us she was diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar Disorder II after about an hour appointment with a Psychiatrist.  I have struggled because I think she self-diagnosed and since that time her behavior has changed drastically.  She suddenly became bad with money and ran up large credit card debt, can't afford food, and her utilities.  She lies so much that it is hard to know what is the truth and what isn't.  I find her behavior and emotional outburst have caused my own mental health issues to resurface.  I have been healthy her entire life and now I am struggling.  I feel guilt over drawing boundaries to protect my own mental health versus trying to be there and support her.

I'm not sure I have a specific question; just glad I found this place.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi _Kyra_

Welcome to  bpdfamily, I'm glad you found us. Talking about what's going on is helpful for so many of us here. Knowing we are not alone, that someone else truly gets it, is such a comfort.

My DD25 (Darling Daughter, 25 years old) also self-diagnosed in adolescence after reading the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me and I rejected it even after she received an official diagnosis following hospitalization for self-injury and suicide ideation when she was 17.

I think for my DD, and perhaps yours as well, reading and learning about BPD was a lightbulb moment for her. Suddenly what she was experiencing had a name. It gave her hope.

It's great you are drawing boundaries to protect your own mental health, we must always put ourselves first even when our pwBPD (person with BPD) is struggling. What we all are learning here are ways to do both - practice self-care and support our adult children. You don't have to do this alone!

A good place to start is the thread pinned to the top of this board, HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE. It's got many of our best articles with links to more. I encourage you to learn all you can about BPD - just understanding the disorder has brought me some peace.

Are you seeing a therapist of your own to help with your resurfacing mental health issues? Many of us find that working with a T who specializes in BPD helps to navigate this new journey.

I'm glad you're here, we want to help. Please keep talking to us, posting in other's threads, it helps to know we are not alone.

~ OH

[Turkish]

PwBPD (people with BPD) suffer from core shame: "my feelings and thoughts are worthless; therefore, I'm worthless and unworthy of love." That's why validation is key concept we stress here. 

SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) is the most basic communication tool.  See the READ MORE link at the bottom for the discussion and examples.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

I don't want to throw too much at you,  given the stress of how you are transitioning into the new reality of your relationship with her,  but this article on boundaries is helpful if you haven't seen it yet.  Let us know what you think. 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Turkish

[_Kyra_]

Thank you for the welcome.

Our daughter is moving in with her aunt and one of the conditions was that the aunt be an active participant in our daughter's therapy.  Today they went to a psychiatrist appointment and the doctor confirmed the diagnosis of BPD.

I wanted it to be a lie.  I wanted her to be lying to be choosing to be this way.  I didn't want her to have this illness.  I wanted it to be a phase, be immaturity just attention seeking.

I have a daughter who has borderline personality disorder and I am afraid it is going to tear our family apart.

[stampingt1]

Welcome Kyra,

Glad that DD got a diagnosis & is living w/ her aunt. Sorry that you are having a hard time w/ it. I would suggest seeing a therapist & reading some books on BPD. This has helped me.

 

[FaithHopeLove]

Welcome, Kyra
It is good to meet you although I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. A diagnosis of BPD is a shock. My son was diagnosed last year at 24. It takes some adjustment for sure. But I am a witness that things can get better and your family need not fall apart over it. You have come to the right place for help and support. Have you had a chance to read any of the articles or watch any of the videos on this site yet? They are super helpful.

[_Kyra_]

I think one of the things driving my helplessness is that my husband's former partner had BPD and it was a living hell.  It was abusive and cops had to get involved and the trauma of it lasted long after she left.  Now he doesn't even want to talk about the possibility on our daughter having the same disorder.

I have started reading on here and watching the videos.  It is a lot of information to absorb

[FaithHopeLove]

I am sorry to hear that your husband was so traumatized by his former partner's BPD behavior that it is hard for him to accept your daughter's diagnosis. His fear is understandable. The good news is there is help available for people with BPD and for those who love them like we love our children in all phases of their life. Even though his marriage to a person with BPD did not work out, there is still hope for his relationship with his daughter. It is great that you are reading up on BPD. BPD used to be thought of as a really horrible diagnosis with little treatment options, but more recent research says otherwise. It is actually very treatable and there is a lot we can do as parents to help improve our relationships with our children. Even if they (like my DS24) refuse treatment, there is a lot we can do to help ourselves which, in turn, helps them. I think the more you learn about BPD from reliable professionals the more optimistic you will feel about your daughter's chances for improvement and your own chances for not only surviving but thriving in the meantime.Is your husband open to hearing about what you are learning? 

[livednlearned]

I understand. My ex was BPD and the divorce aftermath of our difficult marriage was like nothing I've ever been through, a category 5 hurricane that lasted 4 years. Then I met and married my current H whose daughter has BPD.

Her personality is such that she has more quiet borderline traits and is not what author Bill Eddy (www.highconflictinstitute.com) describes as a high-conflict personality (HCP). Eddy describes an HCP as someone who recruits negative advocates, has a target of blame, is a persuasive blamer, and has a personality disorder. You can have a personality disorder and not be an HCP, but an HCP typically has a PD.

A lot of people assume that BPD and HCP are interchangeable, and I'm learning from my experiences with SD22 that while BPD alone is very challenging it isn't nearly as destructive as someone who is also a high conflict personality. I have my ex husband to thank for that insight.

The one constant with both SD22 and my ex is with reality testing. For most people, cause leads to effect. Whereas with a BPD sufferer, effect leads to cause. SD22 chronically feels abandoned, but she does not seem able to locate the source for that feeling within herself, so she is constantly searching for the cause of it. If I have a pensive look on my face, that must mean I hate her. In her mind, she has located the cause (me hating her) of the effect (her feeling like garbage). If I say that the look on my face is about my son's recent surgery and my concerns about his health, she feels invalidated because then she must keep looking for the cause of her anguish within.

Her brain is different than mine. She does not think the way I think and that means using specific relationship and communication skills with her. She is more covertly aggressive than overtly aggressive, and I'm adjusting to that because shadowy aggression can lead to more self-doubt on my part. It's taught me to trust my instincts and be more assertive more consistently with her. Because I was married to someone who tracked the same way and feel exhausted by it, I limit my exposure to SD22 and no longer feel guilty about it. I cannot support her if my needs are not met first. Learning to define those needs took some time and it was worth the effort to figure them out.

That your daughter accepts her dx is a silver lining in all this. BPD is an explanation not an excuse, a distinction that may be difficult for her to understand but it's one that can help you when you're ready.

It's ok to take time to shore up strength and process the grief. I gave myself 3 years of dating H to decide if I was ready to wade into another experience with BPD dynamics and a lot happened in that time. You have that opportunity now with your daughter choosing (?) to live elsewhere, with someone you know and trust. And you had the wisdom to insist her aunt participates in therapy, which says a lot about your ability to put important safeguards in place.

It does seem counter-intuitive to focus on your needs when you have someone with such extreme needs in your life, but I have found self-care to be the source and strength of all the other skills. Not just bubble baths and yoga, but recognizing what it means to feel safe and rested and secure. Be the change you want to see in her, as corny as that may sound. To support her, your cup must be full, and you will need to become an expert in keeping that cup filled so there is enough left over to go around.

Posting here is a really good first step.