Scared to stay, afraid to hurt him, really should be done

[Flutterby13]

Hello
This is my first post. After 23 years of marriage I left my husband in 2010. He was a malignant narcissist. Shortly thereafter I met a man with whom I fell in love with. I believed I’d met my soulmate. A few weeks into the relationship his angry outbursts displayed. It’s been nearly 9 years.  He’s an alcoholic and, I believe, BPD. We have started therapy but I don’t have hope things will improve. My anxiety is so high I have to take medication before leaving work. I don’t know which version of him will meet me at home or if he will shift. I’m deeply pained by all of this. I do love him. But I can’t continue with this shape shifting relationship.
Who’s been in this space before? How did you garner the strength to leave?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am sorry for what bring you here but I am glad you found us.  You have landed in a place where we can help you as you decide if you want to end the relationship and how you want to do it.  We have tools and strategies that can help you cope and can make communication easier for you.

We all get it here.  All of us have been or are in a relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD) or who has difficult behaviors with which to cope.

You mentioned he displays anger.  How so?  Are you safe?  Do you feel safe?

Please share more as you feel comfortable. 

[Flutterby13]

Thank you.
It is comforting to have a safe space
In general I feel safe. However , he has gotten physical. The last time, in August. I was very clear that if it ever happened again I would call 911 and throw him out.
Now I am concerned that as we move further in therapy he will feel exposed and vulnerable and it may trigger him.
Boy is that hard to write. 

[Harri]

   Talking about it is the best thing you can do though I know it is hard to do.

Is your therapist aware that he got physical with you before?  Can you describe what happened for us? 

Keeping stuff inside is not good and while we can't help you in person we can support you here.  Don't underestimate the benefit of the support you can get through an online community.  We do have tools that you can use to develop a safety plan and can help you find resources if needed. 

[Flutterby13]

Thank you. Yes, my therapist is aware. As are a few very close friends.
He has pushed me, blackened my eye, grabbed my arms and left long lasting bruises, thrown me on the bed, held me down, and blocked me from leaving a room. He never remembers it the way I do the next day. It’s worse when he drinks but has happened sober.
He yells. Calls me horrible names. Speaks very unkindly and mean. Talks bad of my family and friends. Isolated me. Wants all my attention and activities to be what he’s interested in.
I keep thinking that his childhood trauma makes him this way and if i love him well enough he will heal.
I have come to realize I cannot do this.
If my parents, children, or siblings knew of this abuse all hell would break lose. So I am silent. It hurts.

[Harri]

Thanks for sharing more detail.  So it sounds pretty serious to me though it is good he has not touched you since August and that the therapist and others know about it.   

Have you ever had a chance to talk with a Domestic violence counselor?  Talking with someone trained to help people through DV and how to leave safely (if that is what you decide) is more important than I can say. 

We do have a Safety Plan that we developed with input from DV experts so it is a pretty solid plan to use.  Check it out here:  SAFETY FIRST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SAFTY PLAN

I am not trying to alarm you but you do need to be prepared.  Being prepared and planning a move out is important.  Leaving is not something you do suddenly.  In the meantime, keep posting here and working with us and definitely your therapist.   Do you think you will be able to contact a DV counselor?

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Flutterby,

I just wanted to let you know that I have been where you are. It's a very scary and difficult place to be. I'm sorry.

You asked the question of how others have gathered the strength to leave. For me, it took several tries. I kept hoping that my uBPDh would get help, real help that he actually truly participated in. It took years for me to see that no treatment he went to was working, because he would stay on the surface of all his issues and would not be completely honest. If the counselor suggested things he didn't want to do, he devalued them and stopped going.

I finally just got sick of living in fear and on high alert. I got tired of being screamed at, devalued, blamed, and being afraid of physical assault. I left nearly a year and a half ago, and it took eleven months before I gave up all hope that he would still get help. Nothing changed, and I went no contact with support from this community and a therapist at my local dv office. I am still in therapy for complex PTSD.

I wonder if you could possibly take this assessment. It is the Mosaic test used to assess the level of risk for violence in your relationship. When I took it, the score was 9 out of 10, and it really opened my eyes.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172

When you have time, could you let us know what score you got?

Stick with us, we can help you through this.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Flutterby13]

I will happily take the assessment and look at the safety plan link. One thing I failed to mention is that I own the home we live in. As well as 90% of the furnishings, etc.  This creates a slightly different scenario since he will be the one who has to leave. Which will present a financial hardship for me in which I may end up having to sell my house.
Thank you for the support and encouragement. I’m grateful to have found y’all.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm so glad you are here!

There are other members here who have remained in the home while the disordered partner had to vacate, for the non-disordered partner's safety. It can be done. Domestic violence advocates can help you plan for safety with that scenario in mind as well.

You can also visit https://www.thehotline.org for more information on safety plans and domestic violence resources. They have a hotline you can call, or a chat option, which I used and found very supportive.

You can do this! We will help.

Redeemed

[Ozzie101]

Flutterby, I just wanted to join I Am Redeemed and Harri in welcoming you to the family!

I am so sorry you're in this situation. I recently went through a period of emotional and verbal abuse with my husband and the people here were so caring and helpful. I'd also like to second (third?) their advice on contacting a DV agency. When I was having my trouble, I ended up reaching out to a domestic violence organization and meeting with a trained therapist. It really did me a world of good. They have a lot of practical advice and services and can help you come up with a plan.

Please do keep us posted on how you are! We want to help!

[Harri]

Hi Flutterby.   

Just popping in to see how you are doing.  Post when you can. 

[Flutterby13]

 
We have a counseling today.  I will update after that.
He is trying hard. But I’m not feeling it. Perhaps too little too late.
Thanks!