What am I doing?

[ImABeliever]

We married in our teens and now have grown children and teenage grandchildren. I planned and expected to comfortably grow old together. There have always been problems in our marriage. We have seen marriage and family counselors together and apart for more than 20 years but never with any resolution. I have accepted responsibility for fulfilling his “needs” while suppressing mine, both unsuccessfully. I have accepted his anger and tantrums and emotional abuse as my fault because I do make mistakes and need to do better. I have made doctors appointments and made him go to them as I saw his physical and mental health deteriorate then accepted blame for causing his symptoms.  I “managed” him and protected our kids from his impatience and anger as much as I could. He called me names, threw things at me, punched and kicked things (not me), went from screaming to sobbing in minutes, and told me “he didn’t want to live”. He always said he was sorry then proceeded to tell me how it was all my fault.
Several months ago I left. I told him I loved him but would not  move back until he got help and I believed he had changed. My family and friends have been wonderfully supportive. Our children (who are Amazing!) have have supported us both but have also insisted he get help. He finally agreed to be tested.
The diagnosis is BPD and depression. Until recently I had not considered this type of diagnosis but my descriptions of his behaviors could come straight out of all the literature I have read since the diagnosis.  He still blames me for his behaviors and is convinced I turned everyone against him.
I spent the last several months taking care of my own spiritual and mental health. I am more at peace and feel so fortunate to have support.  I have often confirmed my love for him and my commitment to reconciliation even as he continues to rail at me and everyone else around him.
I am struggling with the picture of my life changing so drastically. And do I really want our life together to continue?  I can say I want to but I’m finding it harder to believe I can deal with that life again. I’m feeling guilty that I’m leaving him just as we found out what the issue is.  I feel I should do something to help him in his misery, for he is miserable. I know I have enabled for many years but I truly hurt for him.
Almost every therapist I have seen through the years has talked to me about divorce. That’s not what I want because in the middle of all this we have grown up together, raised beautiful responsible children, experienced many good times, had hopes for the future, and shared our faith in God.
I don’t expect miracle answers from anyone here, but it does feel good to share it with those who understand.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SunandMoon]

Hi TexasNanaB6 and welcome! You have found a place where people understand 

It must feel good to have a diagnosis after all these years. When we know what something is, it makes it easier to understand the behaviours we have experienced (although the diagnosis of BPD is never easy).

It's good that you have taken some space to restore your strength and I'm glad you have a strong support system around you.

The diagnosis is new to him and may take him some time to come to terms with it. While he is denying and placing the blame back on you, nothing is likely to change. Has his therapist suggested a treatment plan?

I am struggling with the picture of my life changing so drastically. And do I really want our life together to continue?  I can say I want to but I’m finding it harder to believe I can deal with that life again. I’m feeling guilty that I’m leaving him just as we found out what the issue is.  I feel I should do something to help him in his misery, for he is miserable.

These are important points for you to consider and take the time in reaching a decision. There's no need to rush back home now you have a diagnosis. You can certainly support him and encourage him to get help but enabling isn't healthy for you and hasn't changed anything for him in the years you have been doing it.

What do you think?

SaM x

[ImABeliever]

He hasn’t shared any part of his therapist visits except to say that I am controlling everything. He says he is just doing whatever I decide he needs to do. He feels he has no choice in the matter.
We do have a couples therapist visit coming up and I’m hopeful we can have some productive dialogue and get some insight into what his treatment might look like.
Thank you for your encouragement.

[SunandMoon]

It's good that you have an opportunity to discuss this in couples therapy soon. What about you, TexasNana - are you seeing a therapist for support? Have you read much about codependency?

He says he is just doing whatever I decide he needs to do. He feels he has no choice in the matter.

It's understandable that he feels powerless and possibly angry, as you have taken the brave step of leaving to protect yourself. It's a catalyst to force change.

May I ask what lead you to leaving after all these years?

[ImABeliever]

I have seen several therapists through the years but not since the diagnosis. I guess I’ve been waiting to see how the couple therapist visit goes.
 I’ve been reading a lot. Sometimes it’s too much information to digest!  Other times it’s as if I was reading about my life.  I do feel I’m becoming more confident that many things he said to me about me are not true.  Does that make sense?
Yes he is very angry!  I’m trying to see that in a positive light because he is going to therapy and is hopefully being challenged. And I have to believe that the psychologist is trained to help people who see their problems as all someone else’s fault.
Why now?  While he never became physically violent, I saw that his anger was only increasing and becoming more frequent. Even though he is a people person, he was increasingly alienating our mutual friends and isolating us. He has become more combative with others over what I see as trivial things. I realized I was just waiting for the next time for him to explode and that I wasn’t going to be able to fix it. Ever.

[SunandMoon]

Well I think you're very brave, TexasNana! 

It takes a lot to leave such a long marriage and to try to make a better life for yourself.

I do feel I’m becoming more confident that many things he said to me about me are not true.  Does that make sense?

It makes perfect sense! The things they say when dysregulated can be really hurtful and take a toll on our self esteem over the years.

PwBPD are so good at reading us and knowing how to push our buttons, they can have us half convinced that we are the crazy ones and it is all our fault.

Stepping out of that environment and finding out who you really are is the first step in healing.