Does understanding where your partner's behavior stems from make it any easier?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Does understanding where your partner's behavior stems from make it any easier on your feelings?

[Steps31]

Does understanding where your partner's behavior stems from make it any easier on your feelings?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SunandMoon]

Yes.

Knowing that he has BPD and that, sometimes, he really struggles to control his emotions helps me not take things so personally.

It also reminds me not to sweat the small stuff. Sometimes if you just wait and don't react, the moment will pass.

[Enabler]

Very much so.

Here's an example. Nitpicking behaviour... My W goes away with the kids for a week and as part of the aim to be the best H I can I clean the whole house and wash all the sheets (along with doing the garden and doing the food shop... and to put in context we're part way through a divorce). On her return she nitpicks all the things I have done (this is standard form with pretty much anything I do). On the face of it, one would think in the normal context of human behaviour that there's no other explanation other than they are being unappreciative, cruel and a bit nasty... and don't get me wrong, this could be correct. However, if I place it in the context of BPD I get an answer more attuned to the general character I think I know in my W.

Me doing the housework pokes the guilt and shame sensitivity. To avoid the feeling of guilt and shame ( she went on holiday and I did 'her' work), she devalues my efforts such that they are actually something so heinous that I have actually caused her work... rather than the perpetrator, she is actually the victim... the victim of my efforts. She also has a delusional image of me (painted black), generated to soften the guilt of her behaviours (Affair, selfishness, alcoholism), me doing things that are selfless and kind invalidates the delusion so she goes to great lengths to reinstate and protect that delusion... TO MAKE HERSELF FEEL BETTER AND PROTECT HER EMOTIONS.

This may seem like I am trying to polish a turd and make excuses for her behaviour... or maybe it's me just looking through a different lens. Boy oh boy it's a different lens.

Always be learning.

Enabler   

[Noobie]

Not for me. The horrible things my partner has said to me while raging go around and around in my head all day long. At times I feel scared that another blow up is building up and I have no way to prevent it. I've tried being calm, I listen as best I can but it's very very hard to take the abuse. I've tried to set boundaries but that doesn't work either.

[isilme]

Sometimes.  Small things, yes.  Days when I am in a decent place and have some emotional reservoirs from which to pull, yeah, it helps.  I know much of the time he is like a wounded animal and will bite the person trying to help. 

Days when I am tired, busy with things myself, stressed from work, from not having a partner who will listen to my work issues without telling me I just need to yell at everyone, who understands I can be tired and quite ill without looking it, those days (like today) are hard, and I just get fed up with the fantasy me that he needs to hate the one he yells at for things other people have done, because I am the target present.  The one he needs to vent anger at.  The one he wants to hurt emotionally because he feels hurt and to him that is fair.  He needs to paint me black and if I can't refrain from making things worse or see the warning signs, it doesn't help.  It makes me frustrated to remember that these times are going to happen and he's getting worse it seems, as his body hurts him more. 

[allovertheplace]

Yes and no for me. When I'm alone and the moment has passed, it really helps to read up on BPD here or elsewhere to understand where the rage/hatred/indifference/back and forth emotions he sometimes expresses may come from. Like others have said, it depersonalizes the hurtful words and reminds me that this isn't my fault, I'm not the things he's said, and he likely doesn't mean them either. It takes away that urge to psychoanalyze and obsessively try to rationalize where these behaviors might be coming from, what I might have done to cause them, etc.

But while it's helpful to realize that his words/actions aren't malicious or fully in his control, it doesn't take the sting away in the moment. We've had blow out arguments where I can sit there and be fully aware that the verbal/emotional abuse isn't intentional and that I shouldn't take what he's saying to heart, but that knowledge hasn't diffused the hurt and sadness I feel in those intense moments. Usually, it makes me more depressed than it does angry - I feel like without understanding where his behavior is coming from I would just rage back at him which isn't a productive response obviously, so I guess that's a positive. But when it comes to the affect it has on my happiness and self-esteem, usually I find that no it doesn't do much. Knowing that he doesn't target me intentionally still leaves me feeling empty and alone when it happens and almost makes things seem even more helpless, like there's truly nothing I can do to prevent those emotions/reactions or talk through them with him. Just have to ride it out.

That being said, if you're actively choosing to be in a relationship with this person, educating yourself about BPD is definitely super beneficial. I just don't think that understanding things on a rational level is enough to take away the emotional pain most of the time.

[Steps31]

Right... we're still human, and we seek relationships in order to have someone to confide in and share our deepest feelings. It's tricky when BPD is involved.

[Red5]

... sometimes knowing, makes me feel the distance between us, will never be closed... she does not have borderline... she is borderline... this will never change...

Knowing makes me understand that I can’t “fix” her, and that the relationship I have with her will never be what I sought after, hoped for...

I was her caretaker... and sadly quite codependent... and I didn’t even know it.

Sometimes there is clarity... but most times it’s clearly borderline...

They say in some writings that borderline wanes away with age... but from what I’ve experienced... she’s only slipped further.

I did so much wrong for so long, I lost myslef in her... and then we separated... and I miss her, sadly I do.

The more I learn, to me the more hopeless it seems.

But I’m glad I know, even though she will never be diagnosed...

At least I have that... a semblance of an explanation,

We are both on the other side of fifty in age, so life is what it is, going to have to accept this.

This is tough for many of us here.

Red5