She has caused me untold heartache and pain in the last 21 years

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’m new here. My wife has BPD. We’ve been married almost 21 years. I realized something was wrong not long after we were married and after speaking with some of her family members who suspected something was wrong also. She has caused me untold heartache and pain in the last 21 years (even trying to stab me twice) and I do not expect things to change. Because of our religious beliefs, we are not supposed to get divorced (except for adultery), although the thought to at least leave her and get some relief has been almost constant for about a year now. I spent some time away from her last year when I was with my family in another state (who she refuses to visit). That was some of the most enjoyable time of my life. I finally did not feel stressed out and overwhelmed. I truly felt free and loved (by my family and friends). Ever since, I have wanted to get off this “roller coaster ride” and move on with my life. Any thoughts?

[Tryin2makeit]

I’m new here. My wife has BPD. We’ve been married almost 21 years. I realized something was wrong not long after we were married and after speaking with some of her family members who suspected something was wrong also. She has caused me untold heartache and pain in the last 21 years (even trying to stab me twice) and I do not expect things to change. Because of our religious beliefs, we are not supposed to get divorced (except for adultery), although the thought to at least leave her and get some relief has been almost constant for about a year now. I spent some time away from her last year when I was with my family in another state (who she refuses to visit). That was some of the most enjoyable time of my life. I finally did not feel stressed out and overwhelmed. I truly felt free and loved (by my family and friends). Ever since, I have wanted to get off this “roller coaster ride” and move on with my life. Any thoughts?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board!  I am glad you are reaching out for support though I am sorry you need it.  The good news is that you have found a great place where we understand and have or are experiencing similar things.

First thing I want to establish though is if you are safe given that your wife has attacked you with a knife in the past.  Can you tell us more about that, like how long ago it was and how you handled things?

We do have tools that can help you improve your situation greatly so when you can, tell us what your biggest challenge in the relationship is and we can work from there.

Again,

[Tryin2makeit]

I believe I am physically safe now. That happened about a year after we were married. Both times, I was able to get the knife away from her by using a bag full of clothes to redirect her stabs and finally able to wrestle the knife away from her. After the second stabbing attempt, I told her in no uncertain terms that if she ever did that or anything else that amounts to a physical attack on me, I would leave and never come back. She has never physically attacked me since then although she has never apologized for her actions and I’m sure she would justify them even now.
My biggest challenge is when she’s been triggered, I’m usually the object of significant criticism no matter who or what actually triggered her. She says I never listen to her concerns. I say that I would love to listen to whatever she would like to say as long as it does not involve unwarranted criticism of me. She feels that is too restrictive. Her ever ready list of my faults leaves me feeling depressed and worthless. I’m looking to receive counseling tomorrow. She refuses to accept any kind of help for her or us.

[Harri]

It is good to know you are safe now and I think you did a good job telling her you would leave if she ever did it again.     Another option would be to call the police.  Being attacked with a knife as you describe is pretty serious.

My biggest challenge is when she’s been triggered, I’m usually the object of significant criticism no matter who or what actually triggered her. She says I never listen to her concerns. I say that I would love to listen to whatever she would like to say as long as it does not involve unwarranted criticism of me. She feels that is too restrictive. Her ever ready list of my faults leaves me feeling depressed and worthless. I’m looking to receive counseling tomorrow. She refuses to accept any kind of help for her or us.

I can see where this is very troubling behavior.  Saying you will not listen to verbal abuse is good.  The thing is, it is not likely to go over well as you have seen, at least not in terms of her accepting it.   The great thing about boundaries though is that the other person does not need to agree with them.  We do.  That means we state our boundary (I understand you are upset and I want to help.  I also can not listen to you calling me names and putting me down) and then we take an action (end the conversation, say you are going for a walk and will be back in 20 minutes, go to another room etc.). 

We do not need to sit while we are being verbally taken down.  We can set limits.  We can also, before they become dysregualted, try to use communication tools that can help defuse the situation.  Validation can work sometimes.  Once a pwBPD (person with BPD) becomes dysregulated there is little point in trying to validate though. 
At that point, implementing boundaries is really the best option along with keeping in mind not to JADE (see Don't JADE).

At this point I am not sure what else to recommend but we can figure things out as you post and share more details.  I would like to hear your thoughts about the article I posting on not JADEing.  It was a big eye opener for me when I first read it.  When we justify, argue/attack, defend and explain we set our self up for a no win circular argument and at the same time, we end up invalidating our loved one even though we do not intend to.  invalidation can be a huge trigger.

So when you can, share your thoughts.  If nothing I wrote applies, let me know and we can chat some more. 

[Copycat2018]

Hi,
21 years is a long time to spend like this. I wonder how you got through it?
What did you say to yourself?
Living with a pwBPD is extremely hard and hurtful as i experience it. What was the upside for you?

[Tryin2makeit]

Hi,
21 years is a long time to spend like this. I wonder how you got through it?
What did you say to yourself?
Living with a pwBPD is extremely hard and hurtful as i experience it. What was the upside for you?

A turning point came when I realized by way of my wife’s cousin who had lived with her for a few years revealed that she (the cousin) believed my wife had BPD and asked me to read a book entitled “Stop Walking on Eggshells”. After reading this book and realizing that I was not as crazy as I thought, I started to have a little more hope. I was able to point more to her illness than her perceived hate for me as a reason why she acted as she did sometimes. While it is still very difficult sometimes, I am learning everyday better ways to deal with her illness while trying my best to keep a positive attitude.