Seperated but living together

[Jumpingjack]

Hi, I am in need of some advice.
I've been with my wife for 12 years, married for the last 6. We have two children together. Two months ago she decided that she'd had enough and wanted to seperate from me. The idea was that we'd stay living together for at least the time being and then eventually possibly one of us (me) would move out but remain local as we are both very actively involved in parenting and would want to see the children as much as possible. I have made no secret of the fact that I think we should remain together. I've done a lot of soul searching and am working on myself to improve things I've struggled with (mainly self esteem and procrastinating constantly). She, however, changed like the wind. One morning she might be talking about a future together and by the afternoon she can't stand to be in a room with me.

The situation has been further complicated by my wife's wish to relocate to a new area. We do not have much if s support network where we currently are. Her family live far away and we don't talk to my family any more despite then living locally (it's a long story). Added to this she has recently purchased a new car and is spending quite a bit of money on clothes and other various things. We have joint finances.

Since this has happened she has started a couple of romantic relationships over the internet. One lasted a few weeks and she was very keen on him at first but it got to the point after two weeks or so that it was having a negative impact on her and therefore the rest of us. She stopped talking to him and I know that she went to meet another guy for a meal last night but she only told me it was a female friend. When she got back she was telling me how worried she was about herself and her sanity and that she feels out of control right now. This morning though she originally said she was fine yesterday until I reminded her of how she was when she returned.

Today she's been accusing me of not focussing on myself and worrying about her too much. This is true, I have been unable to focus on anything else. I do worry about her because I do care about her. It upsets me to see her in such a destructive  pattern of behaviour.

Now I had heard of the term BPD a while ago and had looked into it a bit and noticed the similarity to my situation. It's only been this week that through research I've come across it and seen that it describes my wife to a tee. We met online and it was a bit of a whirlwind. We fell in love very fast and we both felt like the only two people in the world. I met her in person a few months later and we had a fantastic time together. Fast forward to seven months after meeting and we've moved in together while I was at university. Looking back there were some warning signs in the initial stages of our relationship. She was very quick to get jealous. Once i went online and didn't say hi for a few minutes and she was convinced that I had started to talk to someone else first. Another time I was visiting and she checked my phone when I left the room and got angry because I hadn't mentioned to my mum about the visit. Before we lived together she got very angry about me going out with university friends. My reaction was to stop going out, to shut myself off although I wasn't fully aware of it at the time. I was focussed on the good times where she was funny, generous, caring and compassionate.

Over the years I've learnt to deal with the up and down emotions. The past thrown back at me years later over the smallest transgression in the present. we've had some really great times together, she's an incredibly devoted mother and genuinely would do anything for anyone.

My dilemma at the moment is not knowing what to do. In one way I would welcome a new beginning without her and the stresses that come with it. On the other hand I do still love her very deeply and care for her greatly. I don't know if I'm living in the clouds hoping that we can move on from this at some point. I just know that the current climate in the house is doing none of us any good at all.

Sorry for the long message. I hope it reads ok because I'm in a bit of an emotional state right now.

Thanks!

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Jumpingjack! Welcome!

It's so difficult, isn't it? The emotional switchbacks are enough to give you whiplash. I went through that myself with my H. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

So, how do things stand at the moment? You say two months ago she decided on the separation. Are you still in a holding pattern? Has there been any progress or more talk from her about moving to a new area or your moving out?

Also, just out of curiosity, are you or is she seeing a therapist? How's your support system? You say you don't talk to your family and you have a past of cutting off relationships with friends at her request. Has that continued?