Is changing our behavior actually Helpful to our BPD?

[Tazzer4000]

Anyone else ever start to resent their child with BPD?  I feel like we are the ones doing all the changing and we are expected to put up with their abusive behavior because they are mentally ill.  I'm not sure any of this is actually helpful to them, as average people in the real world are not going to tolerate this behavior or change to suit them.  Changing our responses to accommodate their "sensitivity" seems like we are setting them up for failure when they go out into the real world.  We did it and they will then expect the rest of the world to also change and accommodate them as well. I feel as though we are giving them justifications for their abusive behavior and then changing our responses to keep them calm and placated. How does this help them have healthy relationships outside our home? Her future boss isn't going to care if she doesn't want to mop the floor or type the letter and he certainly isn't going to tolerate the types of rages she goes into when being told she must do something.  Her future SO isn't going to want to be abused and most likely will remove themselves from her rather than tolerated that sort of behavior.  I'm not against changing my responses, it can be a growing experience learning to not react to the insanity.  I'm against setting them up to believe that everyone else will learn to accommodate their behaviors the same way we have because that simply isn't true. Just wondering if I'm alone in this feeling.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

youre not expected to put up with or enable abusive behavior.

the skills we learn here are more about navigating a relationship and dealing with a challenging person in a constructive way. a lot of us have attitudes or behaviors that complicate the relationship, or make things worse...the goal is to have a relationship that is safe, loving (as much as it can be), and works.

theres also a key distinction between letting our loved ones experience consequences (not enabling) vs inflicting consequences upon them. people with traits of BPD simply dont do "tough love" so well, they lack the skills to navigate.

you might find this lesson that we have on Surviving Confrontation and Disrespectful helpful...it is geared toward spouses, but it can apply to our children as well: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913191#msg913191

[Tazzer4000]

I understand the point and positive for us in changing how we respond.  This site has helped me greatly with changing my responses and avoiding arguments.  I'm just not sure that it is helpful to our BPD kids.  It sets them up to expect everyone to change to accommodate them and their sensitivities and emotional outbursts.  Plus, while I can refuse to engage with my BPDd16, I cannot simply leave the situation.  She will follow me to whatever room I go to and I don't dare leave the house because, having tried that in the past, I know she ends up taking her rage out on whoever is left in the house.  I have 2 other daughters who have autism and they cannot handle her behaviors.  It is devastating for them and they do not know how to cope with her rage. So yes, as parents we are required to sit and take their abuse because we cannot stop their behavior and we cannot leave.  I have had my daughter rage at me for over an hour and I did not respond at all - I gave her nothing to fuel her rage(I told her if she was going to yell and be disrespectful I was not going to respond) but rage on she did. I just feel we may be doing them a disservice by leading them to believe that others are going to not only tolerate this behavior but will twist themselves in knots trying to find ways to keep the behavior at bay in the same way we have done.  I could be wrong, but that is my fear.

[livednlearned]

as parents we are required to sit and take their abuse because we cannot stop their behavior and we cannot leave.

That makes sense -- D16 is a child and she is under your care, you can't leave. On the other hand, she is a minor and you have a lot of power that a spouse might not have, or a boss or friend.

I have had my daughter rage at me for over an hour and I did not respond at all - I gave her nothing to fuel her rage(I told her if she was going to yell and be disrespectful I was not going to respond) but rage on she did.

Is this a new intervention, Tazzer4000?

If so, it might be better to measure the length of the rages. For now, it's an hour. Next time, it might be less.

Until it stops.

Also, it sounds like you are thinking about the boundary as a plea? A plea for her to not rage. Whereas a boundary as a limit is something you can control. I was making pleas for SD22 to not come into my bedroom and bathroom or closed door of my study, etc. She dysregulates too much for pleas. So I have had to set limits with noise-canceling headphones and closed, locked doors. I still use the plea language and I back those up with things I can actually control.

[FaithHopeLove]

I think the answer to your question about whether changing our behavior helps our children is that it depends on how we change. The skills I have learned in this group have helped both me and my son
 They have helped me by giving me peace in the midst of this storm. They have helped him by showing him what healthy behavior and self care looks like. The key is boundaries. BPD or not, some behaviors are unacceptable and come with consequences both at home and in the larger world.
 .

[Swimmy55]

I hear you.  I agree that sometimes our BPD kids are too dysregulated to even have an intelligent conversation with us, no matter what.  My son on an "off" day could rage for hours and then carry the grudge for days , waiting for another opportunity to attack- he was hellbent on being belligerent and nasty.  My active listening got met with a string of loud profanity and worse. Leaving the house did me no good because even if I came back 2-3 hours later, he'd be back at it, or have broken something.  Your daughter may have  a crisis coming on? Is her behavior escalating during the event ?  If leaving isn't an option ( sometimes it's not) then could either you call her therapist to make an emergency appointment or call the crisis team to come out?  Sometimes a different person inserted into the situation can calm the BPD child down.  If necessary call 911 and explain that you have a mental health crisis going on.  I agree, sitting and taking it , when the behavior is not subsiding and even escalating, does no one any good.  
 

[Swimmy55]

Part 2.  YOur post really resonated with me and I am not sure I did it justice with my answer.  Yes I agree the world will not care about our BPD child like we do and won't take the time to communicate / have patience/ give chances like we do.  The best we can do today is the best we can do and that is all we can do.  If the child still rages, escalates, in spite of our best efforts  then we have to take heavier measures ( the boundaries or the 911 calls, the therapist calls etc).   Is learning better ways of communicating with our BPD child a set up? Maybe . For some , like my son, yes definitely as he can't seem to keep a job right now at 25 .    Also maybe it can prevent a further crisis until they can learn better tools/ grow up more/ etc.  Or maybe one day down the road after crashing their heads up against the walls repeatedly as  adults, something we have modeled to them years ago may kick in.  You never know.    
The harsher reality is what are our choices?  We can be like the world and not  modify our communication / try to reach out  ,and then what?    . That would result in  no hope at all to the BPD child.  They wouldn't be able to have the opportunity to model better behavior or see how that feels.  It's a slight chance , but a chance we give them.
This is a very thought provoking question you raise.  

[Tazzer4000]

Thanks everyone.  I appreciate the responses.  I have learned a great deal here and it has helped me stay calm during her rages and even avoid some rages using validation. And Swimmy is right, this is really the only chance we have of really helping them. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that she will grow up a bit and start realizing she needs to be responsible for her actions and treat others appropriately or she will not have good relationships. I think I worry too much.

[mamabolivia]

Something that helped me a lot a year ago when things were really awful with my DD was the realisation that had she been born very disabled in some way, I wouldn't be expecting her to get on with life. If she had no hands why would I expect her to get a job sewing and for her boss to understand that she was incapable? (Just some internal musings, put it into your own words please!)

I accepted that my daughter is emotionally handicapped, that she may not get a full-time job, may never be independent from me, and actually things started to click. I now understand that she will perhaps never work in a team setting. I have stopped recommending. I have stopped suggesting. I have stopped asking "pointed questions". And she is starting to flourish.


 

[Swimmy55]

The other sad side of what Mamabolivia stated is sometimes the kid doesn't flourish despite our best efforts at communication.  The key is trying to be ok with that and recognizing what isn't in our control.  I am saying this for me as well:. Tazzer2000, our kid's future is not in our control.  The relationships and jobs our kids may explode out of as adults... we can't help any of that.  The only thing we can hold on to is that we tried everything and we tried our best no matter what ultimately happens.  I am still having a hard time with this one.