Living with an emotional terrorist

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

The saga of the dog park incident continues. Last night, we were sitting down to dinner and uBPDh just starts randomly talking about the injustice of getting banned from the dog park. I remain totally silent. He then says, "You are going to come with me to the next neighborhood meeting and you're going to stand by me while I read a statement." I remain silent. He continues, "You're going to bring the dog with you and you're going to co-write the statement with me!" I stay silent and go to the living room, sitting down in a chair and scrolling on my phone. We have a beat of silence, and then he starts screaming from the kitchen. "I don't think you realize how this is affecting me! You don't even care!" I say, "If you're going to be screaming, I'm going to get away from you."

I go upstairs and go to the bedroom, locking the door. He starts ranting from outside the door. "You have about 10 seconds to open the door, or I'm putting my foot through it." I reply, "You break down that door and I'm calling the police." He calls me an idiot. I tell him he's scaring me. He calls me a moron because I am scared of him. I tell him I'm not opening the door if he's going to continue to berate me. He says he's not going to, that he just wants to see the dog. I wait a minute and he seems calm, so I open the door. He starts in on me again after I open the door, saying how I haven't lifted a finger to help him, that I don't care, etc.

I tell him I won't let him emotionally terrorize me into getting what he wants. He says he cannot bear living in our neighborhood and he hates it and hates our house, and he's not going to stay there. I tell him that's his choice, but I'm not going anywhere. He tells me I'm NEVER emotionally supportive and that I disgust him. He leaves, and proceeds to send me a flurry of bullying texts in all caps.

I remain solid. He says he is leaving me and not changing his mind. Then, he continues talking to me and eventually he tires of his own game and comes home, fresh and chipper as a daisy.

I get a text this morning from him that says, "Just want you to know I feel physically sickened by what those revolting people have done to us. This isn't my neighborhood. I hate this place and I hate these disgusting, selfish, elitist  " I say nothing back, and then later he sends me a cute picture of the dogs.

I'm scared to go home because I don't know how he is going to be. I feel like I'm being tortured and terrorized in my own home. And realistically, I have nowhere to go. It's MY house, I paid for it. So, it doesn't make sense for ME to leave. And I worry that if I leave, he might break something or do something out of spite.

He's splitting and having MEGA anxiety, and I know that if he were medicated for the anxiety, this wouldn't be so bad. I just don't know what to do. I can't afford to move, and I wouldn't anyway, for obvious reasons. However, I don't know what course of action to take to ensure my own wellbeing and sanity.

[WitzEndWife]

The saga of the dog park incident continues. Last night, we were sitting down to dinner and uBPDh just starts randomly talking about the injustice of getting banned from the dog park. I remain totally silent. He then says, "You are going to come with me to the next neighborhood meeting and you're going to stand by me while I read a statement." I remain silent. He continues, "You're going to bring the dog with you and you're going to co-write the statement with me!" I stay silent and go to the living room, sitting down in a chair and scrolling on my phone. We have a beat of silence, and then he starts screaming from the kitchen. "I don't think you realize how this is affecting me! You don't even care!" I say, "If you're going to be screaming, I'm going to get away from you."

I go upstairs and go to the bedroom, locking the door. He starts ranting from outside the door. "You have about 10 seconds to open the door, or I'm putting my foot through it." I reply, "You break down that door and I'm calling the police." He calls me an idiot. I tell him he's scaring me. He calls me a moron because I am scared of him. I tell him I'm not opening the door if he's going to continue to berate me. He says he's not going to, that he just wants to see the dog. I wait a minute and he seems calm, so I open the door. He starts in on me again after I open the door, saying how I haven't lifted a finger to help him, that I don't care, etc.

I tell him I won't let him emotionally terrorize me into getting what he wants. He says he cannot bear living in our neighborhood and he hates it and hates our house, and he's not going to stay there. I tell him that's his choice, but I'm not going anywhere. He tells me I'm NEVER emotionally supportive and that I disgust him. He leaves, and proceeds to send me a flurry of bullying texts in all caps.

I remain solid. He says he is leaving me and not changing his mind. Then, he continues talking to me and eventually he tires of his own game and comes home, fresh and chipper as a daisy.

I get a text this morning from him that says, "Just want you to know I feel physically sickened by what those revolting people have done to us. This isn't my neighborhood. I hate this place and I hate these disgusting, selfish, elitist  " I say nothing back, and then later he sends me a cute picture of the dogs.

I'm scared to go home because I don't know how he is going to be. I feel like I'm being tortured and terrorized in my own home. And realistically, I have nowhere to go. It's MY house, I paid for it. So, it doesn't make sense for ME to leave. And I worry that if I leave, he might break something or do something out of spite.

He's splitting and having MEGA anxiety, and I know that if he were medicated for the anxiety, this wouldn't be so bad. I just don't know what to do. I can't afford to move, and I wouldn't anyway, for obvious reasons. However, I don't know what course of action to take to ensure my own wellbeing and sanity.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm scared to go home because I don't know how he is going to be. I feel like I'm being tortured and terrorized in my own home. And realistically, I have nowhere to go. It's MY house, I paid for it. So, it doesn't make sense for ME to leave. And I worry that if I leave, he might break something or do something out of spite.

He's splitting and having MEGA anxiety, and I know that if he were medicated for the anxiety, this wouldn't be so bad. I just don't know what to do. I can't afford to move, and I wouldn't anyway, for obvious reasons. However, I don't know what course of action to take to ensure my own wellbeing and sanity.

Your current strategy is to be passive and not respond to his threats. Is this sustainable for you?

You suppose life with him would be better if he was medicated for anxiety. How likely is that to happen?

Imagine ten years have passed and that things are different in your life. What would the "older you" tell the "current you" about how she made things better?

[sweetheart]

WEW, it sounds very much from what you have written that perhaps your husband was looking for you to validate how he was feeling when he started the conversation with you.

Here is at link about what validation is and how it can be a really helpful tool in reducing conflict, https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

You say to start with that 'he just randomly started talking...', is it so random that this incident is still very much in the forefront of his mind? What might he need from you to help him at that point in the conversation, or want to hear from you about this incident?
Reading it back what could you have done differently before the dysregulation escalated?

If you were to swap places with your husband for a moment, what might you want from him if this had happened to you?



For me at the beginning point of the conversation there is the possibility to acknowledge through validation how he is feeling about what happened to him. Validation is sometimes about responding just as much to what is not being said, the subtext of a conversation, as to what is actually being said.
I understand why you remained silent throughout this conversation, but your husband is looking to you for help. He sounds upset, anxious, embarrassed and confused and these feelings will have been compounded by your silence.

When he dysregulates and then actually tells you how he feels, it is then you speak, to tell him he can't shout at you. Whilst screaming at you is not ok, he is doing this because he felt unheard.

If as partners to a pwBPD we are staying, albeit tolerating a situation there are tools and skills we can use that absolutely can work to reduce the conflict.

Even if it is your house, when it comes to safety during a dysregulation, it is not recommended that you lock yourself in a room.
Could you have gone for a drive, taken the dog for a walk, let your husband know you will return once he feels calmer? What might a plan look like for you if this happens again?

Using phrases like 'emotional terrorism' is unhelpful and inaccurate, in that terrorism is only correct if the violence, intimidation and behaviours displayed are in pursuit of political aims. These kind of words only demonise our SO's when what is important to remember is that their behaviours arise out of a pervasive mental health condition.

Understanding our part in the conflict is what this board is about

[formflier]

Your current strategy is to be passive and not respond to his threats. Is this sustainable for you?
 

Passive boundaries aren't working. 

He got all his "emotional vomit" out and "onto you".  He will continue to do this because it helps him feel better.

Once he started "telling" you what was going to happen...I think you should have left the conversation.  (ie..don't be passive about his stuff)

Best,

FF

[WitzEndWife]

The thing is, I've tried validation, and he thinks I'm being patronizing. He says something like "I'm feeling physically ill..." And I say, "I'm sorry you're feeling ill, I know this is difficult." He thinks I'm just patronizing him. I don't know what else to say in that case. It's so hard to validate him. Like, he only wants me to agree with him and get angry too. I'm not sure how to get around that.

[sweetheart]

WEW,

If you have tried validation and it isn’t working, trying to find a plan that involves you removing yourself from his dysregulated behaviour.

When my husband was at his worse nothing worked apart from me leaving the house.
How it worked for me, is that I would try and validate, validate some more. If this didn’t work, depending on the level of emotion I would say, ‘I want you to stop shouting at me, when you speak to me like that I feel very upset and scared.’

You can also say if he is threatening up in your face, shouting at you behind a locked door, and you are scared, STOP! I will call the police if you continue to shout and intimidate me in this way.’
Make sure that you follow through if you say this. Make sure you always have your mobile on you.

Or If he continues to escalate, say you are going to go for a walk, drive until he is able to talk to you calmly. Take the dogs!

Every time my dBPDh would start shouting at me and didn’t stop when I asked him I would leave with our son whatever the time of day or night.
If he would then text or phone constantly  I would answer by text only once to say what time I would be back, and I would repeat ‘I want you to stop shouting at me.’. (About an hour) If when I returned the same thing happened I would leave again.

Did it work? Yes it did, but I was absolutely consistent in my behaviour. My boundary was ‘I would not be shouted at,’ so in order for that to happen it was me that had to take action because my husband couldn’t.

I learnt this strategy from here. It works, it’s not a quick or an easy fix, but it works.
Staying in the house behind a locked door is a big ‘no.’ Staying in the house in the presence of a dysregulation negatively reinforces the behaviour.
Take yourself physically out of the equation in a calm, kind, strategic manner, where your emotional well-being is prioritised immediately diffuses the conflict.

My h gave off clear signals that he was going to seriously dysregulate so I could pretty much know when I would have to leave the house.
I have stayed away overnight, stayed away in a holiday park for a long weekend all because of my husband’s dysregulations.

If you choose to do this, be prepared for an escalation of his behaviour in an attempt to control you as he rails against the change.
I had to call the police on my h on a number of occasions to intervene when he either destroyed property, threatened me, run off threatening to hurt himself or I couldn’t get out of the house safely.

This behaviour no longer occurs.
There are some links to these strategies somewhere on here I will see if I can find them.

Remember if you leave, it is not to be used as an ultimatum or a threat, but as a way of protecting you and a way of sending a message to your h that you will not stick around to be shouted at.

[sweetheart]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=309757.0

[formflier]

There are some things here that don't work for some that worked for me.

For instance.  Leaving house is solid..works like a charm.

Going behind a locked door works for me as well, although sometimes I can still hear things I don't like.

Staying in the room and being passive DOES NOT work, in fact (for me) it seems to be like pouring gas on the fire.

I once thought I was going to be a genius and  staying the room but put headphones on.  At the time I remember thinking it was a wonderful idea...yeah...right... NOO.  It was like flipping her the bird.

WEW,  when I read your story I get the idea that you being passive is being triggering to him.  I think you should give him a choice.

Respectful conversation and I stay...or continue on your path and I go.  Then be consistent

Best,

FF

[WitzEndWife]

In the moment it's frequently late at night and I have to work in the morning, so it's not very convenient for me, but I guess if I have to leave, I have to.

Both of you have good advice, I just need to bite the bullet and leave. I think he especially loves to put on a show.

[GaGrl]

Where can you go when you need to leave? Parents, friends, hotel?

If you did this cocsistently, three times in a row when he disregulates, what do you predict would be his reacyion? Would it take more than three times?

[WitzEndWife]

He started in last night, on a different topic, and threw a half-full soda can at the kitchen counter. As soon as he did that, I grabbed my purse and left, while he yelled behind me. He sent me several angry text messages and I didn't respond. I drove to a place I enjoyed for dinner. About 45 mins after I'd left, he called, meekly asking me where I was and telling me to come home.

I told him I wouldn't come home if he was going to continue his discussion. I said I'd had a long, hard day at work and all I wanted to do was relax. He said he was done talking, so I came home.

I can't imagine what I'd do on a work night if I had to leave quickly and he raged so badly I felt I had to stay away overnight. He never has and usually calms down in an hour at the most. However, there's always the possibility. Maybe I should pack a bag and keep it at my office, just in case.

I have a couple of friends who probably wouldn't mind me staying with them, but I always am afraid to bring my "drama" into other people's lives. I'd probably be more likely to stay at a hotel.

[formflier]

       

Great job!  YESSSSS!

Best,

Yep...keep a bag packed. Maybe in your trunk or at your office.

FF

[WitzEndWife]

Thanks FF! I definitely will get my bag together over the weekend when he's working.

He's been bombarding me with texts all day long regarding his current topic (something in the news). I'm worried about going home because I think he'll just keep harping on the topic. I guess I'll just have to keep leaving if he keeps doing this.

[formflier]

Make sure you give him a choice.

Something like..

1.  I hear you..this seems really important.
2.  I'm not able to give you my best at the moment, so let's table this until tomorrow at
3.  What I am able to talk about is the fish I'm about to make (or insert some other neutral thing)

If he talks about fish..great.

If he blathers...let him know you are going to go collect yourself and you'll be back in few hours.  (I wouldn't respond to texts and calls while gone.

What you are trying to train him to understand is your words mean things.  Right now he doesn't believe that.

If he wants you to listen..he must obtain your cooperation through a conversation.

Best,

FF

[once removed]

The thing is, I've tried validation, and he thinks I'm being patronizing. He says something like "I'm feeling physically ill..." And I say, "I'm sorry you're feeling ill, I know this is difficult." He thinks I'm just patronizing him.

validation only "works" if its sincere, and if it is personalized. what connects with one person might not connect with another. if it is used to try to make a problem go away, or if its used robitically, it will almost always be received as patronizing.

[WitzEndWife]

I love that approach, FF. I think he could respond well to framing it that way. It's worth a shot.

And, yes, once removed, I think I'm being too formulaic when I say it. He has such a good BS detector, it's unreal! Usually I'm saying it when I'm thinking what he's saying is nuts and I want him to stop. I guess I should work on being more sympathetic at least.

 

[once removed]

I think I'm being too formulaic when I say it. He has such a good BS detector, it's unreal! Usually I'm saying it when I'm thinking what he's saying is nuts and I want him to stop. I guess I should work on being more sympathetic at least.

for sure, i think a lot of us have fallen into that trap, and that will always come through. its kinda like sitting in front of a therapist who just says "that must be hard" or "how does that make you feel". youd feel like they arent really listening, but reading from a script.

it can help to think in more general terms of building an overall validating environment, and "dont be invalidating" vs "validate". and be yourself. "validation" can mean anything from a simple nod, to getting someone a glass of water, to asking validating questions: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

[formflier]

Personally..I focus a lot more on avoiding invalidation and then "broadly validate".  "This seems important..right?"

"This seems scary..right?"

Basically...unless I can get "buy in" that I'm talking about the correct "validation target"..I don't move forward.

FF

[WitzEndWife]

I think asking the right questions is going to be beneficial here. He got pretty anxious over the weekend because someone shot a bullet through our garage over the weekend and he spends a lot of time in there. He is reasonably freaked out, but of course this has given him additional fuel to push for a move. I told him I wasn't opposed to moving as a whole (the neighborhood has been getting scary recently), but that I wanted to make sure we managed our debt effectively and that we were in a position to move, and that we weren't rushing away - finding the right house in the right location to make both of us happy. He seems less panicked today, so that's good.

[formflier]

 I told him I wasn't opposed to moving as a whole

I think this may have been a "tactical" win (he relaxed for the moment) but a "strategic" blunder.

Would you really involve him in picking a new house...putting him on title to new house...doing all those BIG things without BPD being solved (by him..not you)?

Plus...from the drama triangle point of view he set you up as a rescuer and you let him know that "under the right circumstances"..you might be inclined to rescue him.

Back to the "strategic blunder".   You are basically playing the BPD game..and reacting to that, vice playing the "healthy non-game" and letting him react to that.

If you told me that you went to him and said you were shopping for a new house and that the behaviors that existed in the current house were NOT moving with you...and it was up to him if he would move with you...(of course saying you hoped he chose to leave behavior behind and move with you)...with the accompanying therapy, him getting a job, becoming responsible and all that...

Well..then I would be saying you were "strategically sound" and likely "tactically sound" as well.

Do you see where I'm coming from?  Do you see that he wore you down?

use little kid analogy.

I wanna cookie...(no)...I wanna cookie...(nope)...I wanna cookie (I said no)  ...I wanna cookie (well..cookies are on sale so if we use a coupon).

FF

[WitzEndWife]

I get that, but also, it's kind of hard to deny that moving should be a consideration when bullets fly through your home. I think it IS important to emphasize that such behaviors would not move with me, should that be my decision, but again, I know I'm not moving unless I want to and can afford to. Right now it's not an option, so I don't have to yet cross that bridge.

[formflier]

  I think it IS important to emphasize that such behaviors would not move with me

Does he understand that?

What did he "hear" from you today?


Switching gears...bullet?  What do the authorities believe happened?  Where do they think it came from?

FF

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry this happened, WEW. Do you think it's a one-off or do things like this happen regularly in your neighborhood?

My parents lived in an upper-income neighborhood and one night a neighbor they didn't know was returning home after gambling at a private club. Unbeknownst to him, he was being followed, and when he stopped at the stop sign at the corner where my parents lived, he was surrounded by gunmen and shots were fired. I don't remember the rest of the story, but he wasn't fatally wounded and was able to flee.

When the news crews arrived and filmed my parents' house, showing where bullets had hit the fascia of the roof, neither of my parents consented to being interviewed, but their cat proudly walked back and forth for the cameramen and that footage was on all the TV stations.

[formflier]

I've also lived places where gunfire was normal (granted...a very rural area).

Context matters.  Although the way someone with BPD might process could negate the context.  My hope is you can keep this in a proper view.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

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