It's been a year May 25th this year

[Tsultan]

Hi friends,  Made it to one year since the breakup of my beloved exuBPDbf. 
I have both feelings of sadness and relief at the same time and come to realize that is okay and part of the process with grieving from this type of r/s.  The pain and sadness are not as deep and painful as at first so that is something to be grateful for.

Although I have a strong support network through recovery, and some good friends, I still struggle with mild depression and loneliness to be honest.  I have always been in a r/s since I can remember albeit the disfunction type so being alone is new to me.  Since I was in my early 20's I have always lived with someone so this is a major adjustment. 

This r/s has brought upon much reflection of past r/s with men and honestly only one or two have been a positive experience.  The big take away for me is recognizing r/s patterns that seem to echo my r/s with my mother (BPD?) who dished out the painful silent treatment and distancing and was completely miserable to be around b/c she would often rage in anger while "growing" up.  I put that in parenthesis b/c it's hard to "grow" up in an environment that doesn't foster autonomy and support.  I was too busy trying to please her to make her happy so the environment could be calmer.  So, thanks mom for setting me up for all these PLEASE READty r/s's. (note the sarcasm)

Another bit of freedom is the awareness that my mother no longer holds the same emotional power over me as she used to.  I think in part b/c I recognize that even if she did not have BPD I know at least she had traits.  So, that helps me see things in a clearer light b/c my r/s with her affected my entire life and pattern with all r/s's.  I noticed the change in my ability to let go of some of her stuff that I inherited that honestly, it don't want but was not able to let go of it b/c of guilt.  I threw away some of her barbie dolls that I was hanging on to.  They were just a few cheap ones.   

There has been growth but I really don't want to get into another abusive r/s EVER again.  I don't do alone well but I have talking about it and that seems to help.  It is almost like what is the purpose of my life at times.  Today I am feeling better only b/c I talked to someone yesterday morning about everything that was on my mind but I really hope this feeling goes away. 

Thoughts of past abusive r/s's keep swirling through my head and I just want to let them all go and get on with enjoying life. 

I found a counselor who has experience with BPD so I am exploring that to keep the healing process moving forward. 

So that's my update after a year.  Better but still processing.

And yes, I still text him once in awhile especially after I run into him on the trail occasionally where he acts like nothing ever happened but then ignores my texts.  It's probably a blessing for sure that he ignores them.  When I see him I feel glad to have seen him but then I start missing him after few days although not as deep.  I really need to focus on one day at a time still trying to achieve "no contact".  Because it's not good for when I do see him.

So that's that.  Thanks for being there...

Tsultan

[Lucky Jim]

There has been growth but I really don't want to get into another abusive r/s EVER again.

Hey Tsultan, That's our task, I submit, here on the Detaching Board: to learn to love ourself enough that we will never allow ourself to be the object of anyone's abuse again.  It sounds easy, but self-love and self-acceptance are actually pretty hard for most of us Nons.

I admire you for exploring how you ended up in a BPD r/s in the first place, which  often has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma, which you discovered by examining your r/s with your M.  Having identified the pattern, you are now in a position to change it.

BTW, why do you think you are still texting your xBF from time to time?

LuckyJim

[Tsultan]

Thank you for the words of encouragement LJ. 

I have a habit of easily forgetting all the bad times and I still hold out a slim ray of hope that he will find the magic solution that makes him run away from intimacy.  He is in bi-weekly therapy and goes to AA meetings 4 days per week, and Al-anon meetings twice a week.  In my dream, I suppose that's what it is, he will attempt to re-connect with me once he figures it out.  It's not like I would sit around and wait for him however. I had my heart set on finding someone in recovery.  That brings a certain connection to the r/s for me.  It doesn't have to be the exact same recovery program but as long as the person is making a concerted effort to grow, learn and have the desire to achieve self-awareness that is desirable to me.  If my dream were to come true, and he was able to stop running away there would still be a considerable amount of patience and understanding on my part being in this type of r/s b/c that was not the only difficulty we had.  I'm getting there LJ, I'm getting there.  The prospect of being in a r/s with him is looking less and less appealing to me all the time. I think as I settle more and more into living alone and being single it is getting easier.  I am putting faith and trust into the God of my understanding that all will be well and be as it should be.  His will not mine.

Tsultan

[Lucky Jim]

You're welcome, Tsultan.  I find your words quite encouraging and sense you are making great strides in your growth.  Keep up the good work!  To me, it's doubtful that a recycle is realistic.  Lots of us have done it, including me, only to wind up in the same place, except with more pain.  Moving forward, in my view, is the only way through the eye of the storm.  I suggest you consider your life as a journey towards authenticity.  As Nietzsche put it, "Become who you are"!  Things usually turn out the way they are supposed to.  Yes to your faith and trust!

LJ

[Tsultan]

Lucky Jim,  The one thing that remains on my mind is how painful it was to get hurt time and time again.  No thank you. I am done with that.  No more recycles.  There were way too many in the first place.  I am feeling stronger.  Actually, almost as strong as I was when I was in my early 20's and wouldn't take crap from anyone.

That truly is my goal.  To become as honest and authentic as I can.  That means I have to be willing to be vulnerable.  I believe it take courage to be vulnerable.  I am up for the challenge.

For today, I am feeling pretty good actually.  The depression has lifted and I am feeling back to my old self.  I went out riding, I cleaned my garage, I dusted off the sewing machine literally and got that working again.  My new job is going fantastic.  The new program I am using for drawing 3D is coming really easy for me.  That has been a confidence booster.  And today my boss was so happy with a project that I was working on for him.  He says holy cow Tsultan that's great!  It made the rest of my afternoon. I have to take an exam this fall and pass it in order to keep my job and I am gaining more confidence in my studying for that too.  It's coming together for me.  It's going to be okay.

I do appreciate your words and I have been hearing them in my head throughout the day and it's helping.   

Tsultan

[Lucky Jim]

I am feeling stronger.  Actually, almost as strong as I was when I was in my early 20's and wouldn't take crap from anyone.

Hey Tsultan, Great report!  No, you don't need another recycle.  That's your task: to get back to the point where you won't take crap from anyone.  The goal of post-BPD recovery, in my view, is to love yourself enough that you will never again allow yourself to be the object of anyone's abuse.  Self-love and self-acceptance sound easy, but were actually elusive concepts for me after emerging from the BPD crucible.  It sounds like you are gaining in this department.

Happy to hear some of my thoughts have resonated for you!

LJ