Husband dx w/ Primary Progressive MS and BPD, I'm Exhausted & stuck

[liliuki]

I'm here for support in a place where people understand where I'm coming from and what I'm talking about.
It's hard to describe and explain to those who haven't experienced it first hand.
My husband has BPD. He was diagnosed about 3 years ago now. We have been married for 3 years in September and we have been together for 11 years.
I never saw the traits, I haven't been unhappy, he never truly showed characteristics of the disorder. This changed after an event at work. He has been seeing a mental health professional since the diagnosis which I'm grateful for but a few months into this he was also diagnosed with Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis.
Before this diagnosis, the behaviors started to come out. They have progressively gotten worse.
We have been going to marriage counseling and sometimes I think it's helping and others I don't. I have let myself get to a point where I feel like I'm just over it sometimes. I have been trying to understand and educate myself on BPD and I've recently come to realize that many of his actions are due to the disease. I thought most of our issues were in his PPMS diagnosis but that sees farther and farther from the actually.
I feel lost and I don't know how to approach situation other than seeing a therapist myself (which I have been doing).

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[Ozzie101]

Hi and welcome, liliuki!

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you've found us. We're a supportive community who can understand what you're going through -- and we have tips and experience we're happy to share.

You say he never really showed characteristics until recently. What characteristics is he displaying? Can you give us some examples?

[Granite Chief]

One day at a time and take advice from people like liliuki and others on here.

[liliuki]

 @ozzie101 Examples of characteristics that only started breaking through recently would be frequent episodes of anger/rage (he used to be so calm in his demeanor), overly controlling behavior (he always wants to know where I am, what I'm doing and when I'll be back), comments on things that he knows will push my buttons (and I know aren't true of myself), regularly plays the victim (so much so I think it runs into martyrdom complex), speaking in uncommon metaphors and expects me to know what he's talking about, continues to add to the list of expectations of me and changes these regularly. I literally am running myself down to a point of exhaustion. I know I can't do everything but I also know he has actual physical limitations because of the PPMS. I can't express my thoughts or feelings without him deflecting them into his own and then raging out on me.

[Ozzie101]

I can certainly understand what you're going through.  The rages. The victimization. The expectations of mind-reading. The changing feelings and expectations. I've been there with my H. That's excellent that you're seeing a therapist -- something I and many other members here have found extremely valuable.

I hope you don't mind if I ask you a couple of questions. The more we know about your situation, the better we'll be able to help.

First of all, you say it's only recently these episodes have started. Did something happen that might have set this off? For my H it was some pretty big work and family stresses happening around the same time.

Another thing, can you pick an incident that's happened recently and describe how it went (what started it, what he said/did, how you responded, etc.)? There are a lot of tools you can use that can help improve the situation and knowing how these blow-ups go can help us see what might be most beneficial for you.

[liliuki]

I believe what set it off was before he started seeing a therapist and received his BPD diagnosis, he experienced an event at work that sort of acted as a catalyst for this all to "flare up" if you will.
He used to work as a respiratory therapist on a chronic PCU floor. One of the more difficult functions of the job role is taking patients off of life support/respirators. He had one particular person he cared for that he very closely related to that he had to do this with.
Shortly after this is when he regularly started seeing a mental health care provider.
After this it was basically one thing after another, we got married, then the PPMS diagnosis, then his mother's failing health. Recently, his mother has been put in an extended care facility after she had a stroke caused by clotting after a fall she took.

A recent example of his behavior would be this past Friday. He asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with his dad (who asked last minute). This was an hour and a half before dinner was supposed to happen. Instead of saying yes or no, I asked him what he wanted to do.  He replied that he was fine with it. We then proceeded to go to dinner and not even a third of the way through his sandwich he went to the bathroom. He came back to the table and then a few moments later he threw a small fit and went out to the car to wait until the check was paid etc. He hadn't been feeling well that day but instead of declining the invite, he acted like a rude, ungrateful person towards his father and myself.

Other than that specific incident, its a lot of passive aggressive comments and constant criticism. I'm really trying to do more around the house despite me being the only working party in the household and I really think I've taken on a lot of the day to day (cooking, dishes, trash collection, etc) but it's never enough.

Another example: I was washing the dishes just yesterday and I had the water running so I could rinse before putting things in the dishwasher and hand wash a few items as well. I get lectured on how I'm doing it, telling me I should turn the water off in between dishes (when I'm using it), etc, etc. This has never been something he's asked me to do before. It was never something that "bugged" him. Take that into account PLUS the fact that I'm doing the dishes so he doesn't have to. I told him if he didn't like the way I did the dishes then he could do them all himself. I know it's not a good reaction, but like I said before, I'm at the end of my rope here.  

[Ozzie101]

That is a lot to deal with, emotionally speaking. Stressful, emotional situations like that can definitely lead to flare-ups.

Other than that specific incident, its a lot of passive aggressive comments and constant criticism. I'm really trying to do more around the house despite me being the only working party in the household and I really think I've taken on a lot of the day to day (cooking, dishes, trash collection, etc) but it's never enough.

That's the thing. It's never enough. I know my uBPDh used to criticize me for not doing enough around the house, for not helping him enough, no matter how much I actually did do. You really can't win that game.

In this case, it may be a situation of projection. He's not working. He feels shame and guilt because of this. He can't handle the shame (common in BPD), so he turns it around and projects his real feelings onto you. He feels he's not doing enough. But instead of accepting that and maybe doing something about it, he turns it around and lays it all on you. Does that sound like it might be what's happening?

You say your reaction wasn't a good one. In a calmer moment, looking back, can you think of a better way to respond?

[liliuki]

He is definitely projecting. I know I need to work on my reactions and try to be more level headed but I'm sad to say that I just began to realize most of these issues were BPD related and not MS related.
He also knows 100% what my triggers are, seeing as how we've been together over 11 years. I'm good at recognizing a lot of these attempts, but not all of them.

[No-One]

My husband has BPD. He was diagnosed about 3 years ago now. We have been married for 3 years in September and we have been together for 11 years. I never saw the traits, I haven't been unhappy, he never truly showed characteristics of the disorder. This changed after an event at work. He has been seeing a mental health professional since the diagnosis which I'm grateful for but a few months into this he was also diagnosed with Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis.

Before this diagnosis, the behaviors started to come out. They have progressively gotten worse.

Hi liliuki:
I'm so sorry for everything you are dealing with.  I can understand how overwhelming it must be for you.

BPD generally doesn't stand alone, when it comes to mental illnesses.  Has your husband had any episodes of any mental health issues at any other point (s) in his life?  (i.e. depression, anxiety, ADHD, OCD or a host of many others)

Is it possible that you were split to be "all good" or painted white earlier in your relationship?  Perhaps now you are the opposite and "painted black"?

If you examine the identified behaviors of BPD, at the link below, can you identify any behaviors on the list that he may have exhibited to some degree.  Keep in mind that most people periodically exhibit a few BPD behaviors to some degree.  
https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder

Stressful events generally prompt BPD behaviors.  Sounds like you husband has had a succession of events, so he has to be overwhelmed.  His MS diagnosis has to be very difficult for him to deal with.  I believe the version he has generally doesn't have remissions?

Another example: I was washing the dishes just yesterday and I had the water running so I could rinse before putting things in the dishwasher and hand wash a few items as well. I get lectured on how I'm doing it, telling me I should turn the water off in between dishes (when I'm using it), etc, etc. This has never been something he's asked me to do before. It was never something that "bugged" him. Take that into account PLUS the fact that I'm doing the dishes so he doesn't have to. I told him if he didn't like the way I did the dishes then he could do them all himself. I know it's not a good reaction, but like I said before, I'm at the end of my rope here.  

I do understand your frustration with nonstop criticism.  It can really wear on you. I think the nitpicking can stem from anxiety and a need to control things.  

I'm sure you have a lot of other examples of criticism. Not to undermine your example, but some of us who live in areas that restrict water usage, might see your husband's point.  People with BPD aren't very skilled at delivering criticism.  When criticism is frequent, it can be hard to process it even if there might occasionally be a grain of truth in an occasional criticism.  

A recent example of his behavior would be this past Friday. He asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with his dad (who asked last minute). This was an hour and a half before dinner was supposed to happen. Instead of saying yes or no, I asked him what he wanted to do.  He replied that he was fine with it. We then proceeded to go to dinner and not even a third of the way through his sandwich he went to the bathroom. He came back to the table and then a few moments later he threw a small fit and went out to the car to wait until the check was paid etc. He hadn't been feeling well that day but instead of declining the invite, he acted like a rude, ungrateful person towards his father and myself.

I understand that there can be some GI issues relative to MS. I suspect he went to the restroom because of a GI problem and it frustrated him and made him angry. Even without BPD, people who are diagnosed with a major illness can become angry.  It's understandable that he is having problems with accepting changes in his body and health.  Validation and empathy could be very helpful now.  In the very least, don't invalidate his feelings.  

If you go to the green band at the top of the page, you will find a "tools" menu.  In the list there is a tutorial on "don't invalidate".  I think you will find it to be a valuable tool.