Trying to analyse my mothers pattern

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all,

I've used this fine forum now and then for a couple of years. My sis is undiagnozed, but with heavy BPD traits. She went nc with me for 1½ years ago, I think.

I'm middle aged now, I lost my father a couple of years ago. He was quite strict and controlling in some ways. The worst was his anger when he screamed high. My mom is now alone , 80, and a woman who can easily find new friends, mostly the kinds who chats, drink coffee or make art together.

I live 50km from my mom now, but I look after her and her house and garden at least once a week.

My mom and dad always teamed up, when we as kids had  a controvery with them, and my sister always said my dad was "the bad one" and my mom the one we should feel sorry for. My sister still thinks that.

Mean while, after dad is gone, I've had the chance to get to know my mom, when she doesn't team up with dad, and most of the time she is really nice, but I'm also a bit chocked that her feelings shifting from day to day only comes from herself, and that dad maybe wasn't that boring, as mom has been saying all our childhood. Now I can see, that he just held back, bc she wants one thing one day and the next day she wants just the opposite.

I found out that this doesn't not have anything to do with my dads family, but can see the same pattern on my moms sister (who died age 58, bc she lived a quite turbulent life), and again, same pattern on my sister.

I can even feel the pattern luckily only a tiny bit myself. But through therapy, I've learn not to think negative thoughts about others bc I have a bad day.

It sounds a bit crazy that I first now where dad is gone, that my mother wasn't the weak part in the marriage at all, but that she kind of played that part. Actually, they were quite even, bc my dad held on to his own  beliefs. And I can feel the same calm, that he had lots of, in myself now. I'm really thankful for understanding that.

But now I also understand, why I actually wanna fix the things in mothers house and garden, while she is out. I actually wondered why I felt best that way. And now I can see, that stuff she wanted to be fixed in the garden or in the house and that she in a nice way asks me to do, changes from day to day. Sometimes even from hour to hour. And I found out, that I get really frustrated when she asks me to do something, and I buy the parts in the DIY store, and she then changes her mind, when I arrive with the parts ready to do the job (and it's totally O.K for me to do it, I want to help her, and she even gives me some bucks for it, so she doesn't exploit me at all.)

She's very loveable when she is out with her elderly friends and never show any of her negative thoughts, but when we are at her house and alone, she's really different and vent a lot of negative stuff she thinks about others. It's very few friends she doesn't criticize, one or two. And she never criticizes me to my face, bc she loves me very much, but I guess also bc she's really afraid of conflicts.

I guess my question is: Is my moms behaviour maybe also a kind of BPD, even though mom isn't directly cruel to people, like my sister is to me and the rest of the family (with a smirk all over her face, while telling people they are nasty and selfish).

Through the decades with lots of hours with therapists, I have become the helper, the guy who always listen to people's problems, the pleaser, the guy who always helps other out. No one really of my scouting friends I grew up with was that way. I've believed that I just was kind of 'nice guy', but now I realize that I'm maybe pleasing other people bc, we had to please our parents at home, when we were kids. And actually also now, when we are adults. It was al about my parents problems and feeling, and if me or my sister felt bad, I was often a problem for my parents. They could get kind of angry, especially if we got angry bc anger wasn't a feeling kids had the permission to show. So the feeling 'sad' was most often O.K. by my parents, but anything that could escalete into a conflict, they stomped on right away.

Now, when I'm 49, dad is gone, and I'm looking after my mom, and the phone conversations almost always are about her health and her problems, I began wondering why it is that way, bc my 10 year older scout friends kids are the only persons he has focus on, he never loads his kids with his problems, neither does their mom. And here I am, still pleasing my mother and accepting that she almost never asks to me.

Do you guys know of any books about children who have had strict parents? How the children becomes as adults?

We weren't exploited in any other way and we also had loads of good times. It's just that the only really important feelings in the family was my mom's and my dad's, so I've become kind of an antenna, always checking out how peoples mood are, and then adjust myself after that.

I thought it was a gift, that I so easily could sense peoples feelings, but it's only now through the last year I have realized that, I had to learn that personal ability to live in my parents house. It's a ability I use, only bc I'm afraid that I won't get any attention or love, if I don't show it. (bc that was my mom's and dad's response, when we pleased them and acted like good kids - then they told us how good we were - are there a label for that kind of relationships?)

Thanks in advance - all best Snoopy

[Snoopy737]

Hi all,

I've used this fine forum now and then for a couple of years. My sis is undiagnozed, but with heavy BPD traits. She went nc with me for 1½ years ago, I think.

I'm middle aged now, I lost my father a couple of years ago. He was quite strict and controlling in some ways. The worst was his anger when he screamed high. My mom is now alone , 80, and a woman who can easily find new friends, mostly the kinds who chats, drink coffee or make art together.

I live 50km from my mom now, but I look after her and her house and garden at least once a week.

My mom and dad always teamed up, when we as kids had  a controvery with them, and my sister always said my dad was "the bad one" and my mom the one we should feel sorry for. My sister still thinks that.

Mean while, after dad is gone, I've had the chance to get to know my mom, when she doesn't team up with dad, and most of the time she is really nice, but I'm also a bit chocked that her feelings shifting from day to day only comes from herself, and that dad maybe wasn't that boring, as mom has been saying all our childhood. Now I can see, that he just held back, bc she wants one thing one day and the next day she wants just the opposite.

I found out that this doesn't not have anything to do with my dads family, but can see the same pattern on my moms sister (who died age 58, bc she lived a quite turbulent life), and again, same pattern on my sister.

I can even feel the pattern luckily only a tiny bit myself. But through therapy, I've learn not to think negative thoughts about others bc I have a bad day.

It sounds a bit crazy that I first now where dad is gone, that my mother wasn't the weak part in the marriage at all, but that she kind of played that part. Actually, they were quite even, bc my dad held on to his own  beliefs. And I can feel the same calm, that he had lots of, in myself now. I'm really thankful for understanding that.

But now I also understand, why I actually wanna fix the things in mothers house and garden, while she is out. I actually wondered why I felt best that way. And now I can see, that stuff she wanted to be fixed in the garden or in the house and that she in a nice way asks me to do, changes from day to day. Sometimes even from hour to hour. And I found out, that I get really frustrated when she asks me to do something, and I buy the parts in the DIY store, and she then changes her mind, when I arrive with the parts ready to do the job (and it's totally O.K for me to do it, I want to help her, and she even gives me some bucks for it, so she doesn't exploit me at all.)

She's very loveable when she is out with her elderly friends and never show any of her negative thoughts, but when we are at her house and alone, she's really different and vent a lot of negative stuff she thinks about others. It's very few friends she doesn't criticize, one or two. And she never criticizes me to my face, bc she loves me very much, but I guess also bc she's really afraid of conflicts.

I guess my question is: Is my moms behaviour maybe also a kind of BPD, even though mom isn't directly cruel to people, like my sister is to me and the rest of the family (with a smirk all over her face, while telling people they are nasty and selfish).

Through the decades with lots of hours with therapists, I have become the helper, the guy who always listen to people's problems, the pleaser, the guy who always helps other out. No one really of my scouting friends I grew up with was that way. I've believed that I just was kind of 'nice guy', but now I realize that I'm maybe pleasing other people bc, we had to please our parents at home, when we were kids. And actually also now, when we are adults. It was al about my parents problems and feeling, and if me or my sister felt bad, I was often a problem for my parents. They could get kind of angry, especially if we got angry bc anger wasn't a feeling kids had the permission to show. So the feeling 'sad' was most often O.K. by my parents, but anything that could escalete into a conflict, they stomped on right away.

Now, when I'm 49, dad is gone, and I'm looking after my mom, and the phone conversations almost always are about her health and her problems, I began wondering why it is that way, bc my 10 year older scout friends kids are the only persons he has focus on, he never loads his kids with his problems, neither does their mom. And here I am, still pleasing my mother and accepting that she almost never asks to me.

Do you guys know of any books about children who have had strict parents? How the children becomes as adults?

We weren't exploited in any other way and we also had loads of good times. It's just that the only really important feelings in the family was my mom's and my dad's, so I've become kind of an antenna, always checking out how peoples mood are, and then adjust myself after that.

I thought it was a gift, that I so easily could sense peoples feelings, but it's only now through the last year I have realized that, I had to learn that personal ability to live in my parents house. It's a ability I use, only bc I'm afraid that I won't get any attention or love, if I don't show it. (bc that was my mom's and dad's response, when we pleased them and acted like good kids - then they told us how good we were - are there a label for that kind of relationships?)

Thanks in advance - all best Snoopy

[Turkish]

dad maybe wasn't that boring, as mom has been saying all our childhood.

So what if he was, according to her or others? She shouldn't have told you that, burdening you with her feelings and enlisting you to validate her emotions.

[kiwigal]

Oh firstly, I just want to say, as a training therapist, you demonstrate so much self awareness, reflection and coherency of thought and understanding. If you were my client, I would be so impressed by your courage to look at your family of origin, your family role, and also to understand your family story and your place in it.

I love that you want to do more research.. here are some suggestions...

https://thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/

The book 'Family' by Balswick & Balswick

This downloadable talk on rescuing is brilliant! https://living-wisdom.myshopify.com/collections/frontpage/products/the-rescuer

Also this one, on reparenting ourselves; https://living-wisdom.myshopify.com/products/reparenting-oneself

My honest reflection, is that you have a huge amount of insight and understanding of emerging patterns, and their corresponding narratives, and your own behaviour, and that the real work now, is going to be living according to YOUR core values. So doing as much work on individuation, as you can. And also noting your 'away' moves, that tip you into living outside your values; This little you tube clip by ACT therapist, Russ Harris, explains that so well
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OV15x8LvwAQ

Go strong Snoopy! You sound like such a nice intuitive and self aware person and that you have really developed a strong life ethic, even in the midst of some poor coping skills in the family. The world needs more Snoopy's!