Where to begin, finally finding the courage to get some help for myself

[Boscorelli2010]

Well, here I am. Seeking help. Guidance. Support. Advice.
After at least 15 years of trying to deal with my mother's mental illness, I am finally finding the courage to get some help for myself.
2 nights ago, my mother made her first near successful attempt to end her life. Although I was the last person to speak with her on the phone before the attempt was made, I truly do not feel that it was my fault. My reason for feeling broken right now is that she was saying 'goodbye' at the end of the call (through her tears and hyperventilation), and although she has made it out of the woods in the hospital, I have no idea where to go from here... I don't know how to go from saying 'goodbye' to saying 'hello' again. So here I am, trying to reach out to anyone and everyone about how I can go about communicating with my (alive) mother after such an ordeal, when I feel that I need to take some time to heal... TIA <3

[Harri]

Hi Boscorelli and welcome.   


I am glad you mom is out of the hospital and the woods.  I have bene sitting here thinking about what you said here:

I don't know how to go from saying 'goodbye' to saying 'hello' again.

I don't know either but I can sit with and listen you while you work it through.

So here I am, trying to reach out to anyone and everyone about how I can go about communicating with my (alive) mother after such an ordeal, when I feel that I need to take some time to heal... TIA <3

I am glad you are reaching out.  Are you concerned about taking time for you while your mom is so vulnerable right now?

[Boscorelli2010]

Thank you for the reply, I very much appreciate the company. My mother is still currently in the hospital waiting for a psychiatric assessment. If they decide she is still at risk of another attempt, they will keep her for a mandatory 72 hours and will chat more with her about her current state of mind.

My ongoing issue between me and her and her partner is that my feelings are invalidated, all of the time. I am not allowed to feel pain, or hurt, or suffering, because her pain is worse. Her pain is more. If I am disturbed by an argument we have, or she says something specifically hurtful, I am supposed to ignore it. My feelings don't matter, she is priority #1, and I should be on my knees kissing her feet because she gave birth to me. (And this has all been verbalized to me by her partner.) It's been 15 years of my feelings not mattering, and it's just not right anymore. I am burning out, and so is the rest of my family.

I don't know if I should wait for her to reach out to me or if I should be the one to message her first. Of course I am glad she is alive, but a part of me feels that if I do, I am falling right back into the wheel of guilt... In answer to your question, I am absolutely concerned about taking time for myself right now while she is vulnerable. I am a bleeding heart for my mother - I want what is best for her, I want her to get the help that she needs but is refusing - but the constant verbal abuse that I suffer on a regular basis through her mouth is tough to overcome. I need to establish healthy boundaries for myself, and I don't quite know how to do that.

[Harri]

What you describe in terms of not being validated and needing to learn to set boundaries sounds very familiar.  Most of us here have felt the same especially about the invalidation.

On this site we talk about boundaries as being a means to protect us from abuse while also acting in accordance with our personal values. 

Here is our article on boundaries: 
Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits Read through it to get an idea of our approach and then we can help you with a practice scenario or two.  In the article be sure to click on READ MORE at the bottom.

If you had to pick one area where you want to set a boundary, what would it be?  Can you tell us what you have tried before when setting boundaries?  What did you say or do?  What was the result?

[Boscorelli2010]

Thank you for the resource! I will definitely take some time this evening to have a good read through it.

My mother and I live in two different cities, about 2 and 1/2 hours away from each other, and it has been this way for the past 10 years (since I went away for school and now work keeps me away). This distance has definitely put a strain on our relationship, but it has also provided me with a buffer for when s**t hits the fan. When I come to town to visit, according to my mother, I don't set her as a priority or spend as much time with her as I do with the rest of my family that live in the same town. It always ends in a fight and an immense guilt trip, especially when she is not the first person I see and the last person I see, with a good chunk of time spent with her in the middle. For only having 3-4 days to spend in town and having to see everyone, I am stretched pretty thin, not to mention having to tote along a l/o that's under 1 year of age PLUS a cat. I attempt to set boundaries with her by saying I can come over on this day and stay for this duration, but if I know I have other set plans on on my way out of town, I won't make plans with her on that day on purpose since I don't want to have to cancel if I need to head out sooner rather than later. It always ends in an argument, and with guilt tripping text messages sent from her and her boyfriend. Our last visit a few weeks ago ended with me saying "I am trying my best" and both of them saying "You are not trying your best. You need to do better". I also got "Why aren't you better prepared?" when I told them I had to stop at my father's place (where I was staying) to replenish my l/o's diaper bag before coming over to see her. I don't even get to see my old friends when I go to town because my time is eaten up with seeing my family - I can't even conSIDER going to town just to see my friends because of the consequences it will cause...

I should mention that along with BPD, my mother has been diagnosed with chronic anxiety, depression, and Disociative Identity Disorder. She has many scars, and can find someone in the family to blame for each and every one of them.