Dealing with constant criticism

[Depression = 72% of members]

Do you have a pwBPD who constantly criticise everything you do?  My uBPDh seems to have a problem with everything I do, including (but not limited to): my tone of voice, my choice of words, my attitude, the way I take care of the kids, the things I say/ not say to his parents.  I suppose it's not always been that bad, but now that I'm in the "painted black" phase (and has been for a long time, I doubt I will ever be painted white again), everything I do is wrong. 

How do you deal with it, practically speaking?  I feel like I'm constantly apologising for things that I might have done not up to his standards.  But if I just ignore his complaints, he will say I ignore him and don't care that he is unhappy.  However, if I respond to those complaints, it will likely fall into JADE territory.

I know I'm supposed to validate but how?  Because he's not complaining about stuff in general; he's complaining about me.  Also, the reason why he's complaining about those things isn't because I'm necessarily doing anything wrong; when he's not dysregulated he wouldn't complain about me doing/ saying those things...

[Chosen]

Do you have a pwBPD who constantly criticise everything you do?  My uBPDh seems to have a problem with everything I do, including (but not limited to): my tone of voice, my choice of words, my attitude, the way I take care of the kids, the things I say/ not say to his parents.  I suppose it's not always been that bad, but now that I'm in the "painted black" phase (and has been for a long time, I doubt I will ever be painted white again), everything I do is wrong. 

How do you deal with it, practically speaking?  I feel like I'm constantly apologising for things that I might have done not up to his standards.  But if I just ignore his complaints, he will say I ignore him and don't care that he is unhappy.  However, if I respond to those complaints, it will likely fall into JADE territory.

I know I'm supposed to validate but how?  Because he's not complaining about stuff in general; he's complaining about me.  Also, the reason why he's complaining about those things isn't because I'm necessarily doing anything wrong; when he's not dysregulated he wouldn't complain about me doing/ saying those things...

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[lenfan]

Welcome aboard. Sorry that you have to endure this. I have a similar situation and posted about it 6 months ago, so I am going to try and post a link to it here so you can follow the responses I got:

 https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333201.msg13032935#msg13032935

AIso, I found the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans useful.

Good luck.

[Teno]

I would recommend reading these books. Sounds like my upwBPD. I fully understand this behaviour. I'm struggling to fined time when I get validated. Sorry to hear your struggle with this.

'Controlling people" By Patricia Evens. are also really good
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition : When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
In Sheep's Clothing : Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

I've just read more about self differentiation and I think it flows a lot into this criticism thing.

I think the criticism is about my parenting is all about being one up, triangulation with our children.

I really like this post after reading those books. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336861.msg13055210#msg13055210

[Teno]

Sounds like my upwBPD. I fully understand this behaviour and go through it. I hardly get validated for anything I do. Sorry to hear about your struggles with this.

I would recommend reading these books.

'Controlling people" By Patricia Evens. are also really good
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition : When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
In Sheep's Clothing : Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

I've just read more about self differentiation and I think it flows a lot into this criticism thing.

I think the criticism about my parenting is all about being one up, triangulation with our children.

This post resonated with me after reading those books. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336861.msg13055210#msg13055210

Apologies for my bad grammer