Self differentiation

[nomodrama]

Hi All,
I just wanted to share some You Tube video that helped me realize my part in my family enmeshment and gave me courage to break six weeks of NC with my pwBPD older sister yesterday.

Before I learned that my sister is un-diagnosed pwBPD, I struggled with always "picking up the rope" and JADEing every time I spoke with her. It is so hard to not engage and defend my position with her (we moved our 84yo Mom with dementia to nursing home 1 year ago).

I realize my interpersonal communication skills and emotional maturity are lacking as I look back at my defensiveness, anger F.O.G cycle in this last year of transition and struggle.

SO, I am going to make some good come out it, grow, and take away some key learning. I have the "learning about my sister's personality traits" and this board to thank for forcing me to grow.  I was enmeshed with our mom too, just not to the same extent my sister was (is).

After watching these Jerry Wise videos (and weeks of reading here and the Stop Walking on Eggshells book) I gained the courage to call my sister.The call yesterday went well, I kept me distance, kept to the topic at hand (about Mom's condition and possibly moving her to a hospice house), I kept the call short, I could tell she was surprised that I called her. We never asked how each other are doing. I usually do, but she does not, I am not going to keep spinning the one-sided relationship. I am detached and will only have mutually respectful conversations from now on. We ended it with our typical 'love you'. Superficial. It is what it is though, our relationship has changed, and I am not going back to the way it was (the good or the bad). I am still keeping her cell # blocked so no texting. Sounds like I still have some forgiveness work to do I a read this back but true statement, I see her in a new light now. I may love her still, but my heart will not be opened to her to hurt again.
She loves the idea of a sister who loves her, I don't really see that she can really love me (and I maybe I can't really love her either).

I had not heard this term before "self-differentiation" :
"Differentiation of self is a concept that has been used interchangeably with the similar concepts of individu- ation and psychological differentiation. ... Differen- tiation of self is defined as the ability to distinguish between thoughts and feelings in an emotional rela- tionship system."

This self- differentiation idea, I can have a sense of self, be authentic, I don't have to agree, I can maintain my position, focus on problem-solving without getting into an argument (easier said than done I am sure!)

Jerry Wise, MA, MS is a relationship expert, self-specialist, life coach on You Tube has several free videos, here are some I related with, hope it helps someone here.

Wishing you all a peaceful evening .

The Power of Intentional Disappointment and Staying-Self Differentiated
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hCwuZ9_yx4

Breaking the Family Trance
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QaXZ1WfJQ6w

Dealing with Over-Serious Reactive People
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8m5INHDgeI

[Turkish]

You might like this.

Bowen Center: Differentiation of Self

[once removed]

I realize my interpersonal communication skills and emotional maturity are lacking as I look back at my defensiveness, anger F.O.G cycle in this last year of transition and struggle.

this realization is a real ticket to freedom, and greater peace in your life.

its difficult to see these things in ourselves, even if we are ostensibly open to it. theyre like "blinders". and often times, they are things that have served us most of our lives, until they dont. and once you see it, there isnt really any going back.

it doesnt make us a bad or lesser person (though thats often how it feels). i liken it to bad manners. no one is born with good manners. we learn them...we unlearn bad manners.

Sounds like I still have some forgiveness work to do

i think one thing you will find in your work is that differentiation is not necessarily just disengaging or detaching (though it certainly can be). in many ways, its developing the skills and emotional resilience to deal with difficult people in our lives, in the world, to have relationships that though at times very challenging, can still be both safe and fulfilling.

[nomodrama]

Thank you Turkish for that article link, it is fascinating to me to read that kind of stuff because it helps me to understand what's been going on in my family of origin. There are some nuggets that explain the elder care stressful event like this: 
"The more intense the interdependence, the less a group’s capacity to adapt to potentially stressful events without a marked escalation of chronic anxiety. Everyone is subject to problems in his work and personal life, but greater vulnerability of less differentiated people and families to periods of heightened chronic anxiety contributes to their having a disproportionate share of society’s most serious problems."
Wow, none of us were equipped to deal with a stressful life event together. Sent my sister in law to a pysicatric hospital and drove by pwBPD sister to threaten suicide.

Once removed,
Thank you for your feedback I do really feel like I found a key. The ability to be self differentiated sounds to me like what wisdom and maturity must be like. I was fortunate to have for 15 yrs a loving mother in law that was highly emotionally mature, she gave that gift to my husband too. I miss her. My in law family gave me a little of what I missed out on, at least made me see a healthy kind of family love.
I know my parents did the best they could with what they were taught and life circumstances.
I dont blame them for not giving us what they didnt have. Once my mom fell and was moved to elder care not able to be any parent to us. sister pwBPD, my brother and I all kind of went through an implosion.
Now I will work more on my self growth in hopes of learning better relating skills.
I dont feel like I can be emotionally safe with my pwBPD sister again though. At least not for awhile. Maybe if it get more differentiated and more maturity haha
I just dont have the desire now and it's sad because our mom is dying we should be able to support each other through it. I dont know if you have read my other posts but its been nothing but lies, anger, blaming and a suicide threat from her and me not knowing how to react.
I am hopeful if she gets a few years of therapy under her belt we can relate better.
Anything I explain to her now about how I feel won't be understood. I'm doing 'me' first now.

Thank you again

[kiwigal]

Thank you so much for these videos! I love them, and they helped me answer a question I had come here to ask.
I am finding ways to disengage from triangulation, that my uBPD MIL creates.
She is often looking for ways to 're-engage' using seemingly innocent situations. Staying disengaged, therefore, is a real battle for me.

After watching the video you put up, I had my answer.. the 'deliberate disappointment'. I responded to her email, expressed empathy and stated that Id let my husband respond to these messages and those involved. I didn't JADE.

Once Id sent it, I was really aware of the freedom I felt ..   
I so often get hooked by the need to be a most reasonable family focussed and engaged DIL, and choosing to step away from that, woah, I just felt instantly lighter.

Thanks so so so much for this resource!

[nomodrama]

Kiwigal,
I am so glad those videos helped you too!
It's funny how a message I needed to hear just showed up in my You Tube feed, probably related to Candace Van Dell videos I watch, you should check her out too, she has lots of videos about Narcissistic PD.
I just watched again I think I needed to hear it is ok if your family does not approve or accept you. When you are an adult its ok to want that but you dont NEED that as an adult if you are self-differentiated.
Not getting into drama triangles is also helping me big time.

[Harri]

Hi nomodrama and thanks for the links.  I listened to a couple and was nodding along with most of what he said.  

Poor self differentiation is apparent in a lot of us on these boards and this one especially.   I think of it in terms of knowing where I begin and end in relation to another.  Or knowing what is mine to deal with and what belongs to another.  As I learn and separate more, those two phrases take on greater significance.

Once removed mentioned this too and I think it really should be highlighted:  

i think one thing you will find in your work is that differentiation is not necessarily just disengaging or detaching (though it certainly can be). in many ways, its developing the skills and emotional resilience to deal with difficult people in our lives, in the world, to have relationships that though at times very challenging, can still be both safe and fulfilling.

Usually when I talk about it here I talk in terms of separation and detachment as so many of us are enmeshed or too dependent on external affirmations and definitions of who we our and what sets our value.  I think Jerry Wise did a good job of talking about this and giving some examples or well differentiated responses.  

The link Turkish gave for the Bowen Center is excellent and we have several articles that incorporate the idea of differentiation.  One is titled  Codependence and codependent relationships

The Opposite of Codependency is a Well Differentiated Self
According to Bowen's Family Theory, families and other social groups tremendously affect how people think, feel, and act, and individuals vary in their susceptibility to, and dependence on how others think. These differences are based on the differences in people's levels of "differentiation of self". The less developed a person's "self," the more impact others have on his functioning and the more he tries to control, actively or passively, the functioning of others. Every human society has its well-differentiated people, poorly-differentiated people, and people at many gradations between these extremes.

The basic building blocks of a "self" are inborn, but an individual's family relationships during childhood and adolescence primarily determine how much "self" he develops. Once established, the level of "self" rarely changes unless a person makes a structured and long-term effort to change it.

A person with a well-differentiated "self" recognizes his realistic dependence on others, but he can stay calm and clear-headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, and rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality. Thoughtfully acquired principles help guide decision-making about important family and social issues, making him less at the mercy of the feelings of the moment. What he decides and what he says matches what he does. He can act selflessly, but his acting in the best interests of the group is a thoughtful choice, not a response to relationship pressures. Confident in his thinking, he can either support another's view without being a disciple or reject another view without polarizing the differences. He defines himself without being pushy and deals with pressure to yield without being wishy-washy.

People with a poorly-differentiated "self" depend so heavily on the acceptance and approval of others that they quickly adjust what they think, say, and do to please others.  It’s normal to want to please someone you care about, but when someone has a poorly-differentiated "self", they usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes anxiety and they sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.  This is generally where codependents get into trouble.  They have blurry boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own problems on others.

The only thing I did not care for too much about Jerry Wise's video (I forget which one) was that he talked about us going into a trance... even though I swear that trance does happen, I bristle a bit as it seems, to me, to put the locus of control on the family unit rather than stressing that we are capable of breaking the familiar role even if the rest of the family does not accept it.

Anyway, thanks so much for sharing and talking about this.  It is a great topic for us to dig into.  

[mutemonkey8]

Thanks so much for sharing those videos! Doing a deep dive into the Jerry Wise archives now.

[zachira]

Discovering self differentiation is the challenge is so important and in my experience the key to knowing how to navigate relationships with people with BPD in our lives.

[nomodrama]

Zachira, Exactly!

Harri,
Just learned Murray Bowen was the founder of the concept.
I feel like I found a root cause to my family dysfunction and a new view of my role in it!

[Harri]

nomodrama, this is a pretty big discovery!  Understanding this was vital for me to begin to identify and then end the enmeshment with my family. 

More videos put out by the Bowen Center that talk about differentiation, family systems and triangulation.
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=bowen+center

I feel like I found a root cause to my family dysfunction and a new view of my role in it!

Yep!  We do have a role in the dysfunction for sure and accepting that truth is very difficult but so necessary.

Thanks for sharing.