Need improvement

[Hoody.szn]

So I am someone who deals with BPD. I have been in an on and off relationship with someone for 4 years now and I need help making her feel more at ease and being able to set my mind straight. Sometimes I feel insecure sometimes I feel confident, sometimes I’m calm and sometimes I can tend to lash out. Things have gotten physical before as much as I wish that was not the case and gladly is wasn’t extreme. But it still has occurred and I need these things to stop. No matter what we have tried countless times on mending the relationship and now we are giving it another shot. But sometimes I feel insecure, sometimes I feel lost, sometimes I feel like I want to isolate myself and I can’t trust her, sometimes without reason. I really want to be a great man as much as I know I am, but I tend to have these triggers that just really set me off. I don’t know what to do to no longer let these things trigger me. Plus communication is a big thing and I want her to understand what I’m dealing with inside and I don’t feel like it is understood. Any advice ?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Hoody.szn-  (please note this site is geared toward people who are IN relationships with people who have BPD)... but I encourage you to read on.

I’d like to welcome you to our site and ask you to clarify - are you saying that you have been diagnosed with BPD?

If so, please allow me to share a few thoughts first that may help you.  I have been in a relationship with my BF for nearly 6 years.  I strongly suspect he has BPD, but at the very least, he has many of the traits.  He has a lot of pride, so he hasn’t shared with me whether he’s ever received a BPD diagnosis.

We have broken up numerous times over the years, always due to his rages or other hurtful behaviors, but I have always forgiven him.  Because I love him.  And I know that he is a good man.   We continue to be a work in progress. 

Hoody - We all have times of insecurities and times we feel confident.  We all have times where we trust and times we don’t. 

Trust is EARNED... it’s not automatic.  And trust isn’t only related to being faithful.  We want to rely on our lovers to take care of our hearts and tell us the truth regardless of the topic.  We need to feel safe in our relationships, both physically and emotionally.  Your girlfriend needs and wants from you, exactly what you want and need from her.  You want to be understood and so does she. 

My best guess is that Your girlfriend continues to try with you BECAUSE she loves you and WANTS to understand what drives your behavior and feelings.  That’s a good place to start.  And your best place to start is to ensure you never raise a hand to her in anger.  I know you know that any amount of physical abuse is too much.

Even though this may not be the best forum for you, I want to tell you I think it’s amazing that you’re reaching out for help and advice to improve and heal your feelings, lessen your triggers and control your behaviors.  This shows wonderful self-reflection and a true desire to NOT be defined by the past OR a diagnosis.

Have you heard of DBT therapy?  Have you worked with a T (therapist) who understands and specializes in pwBPD (people with BPD)?  Can you provide some information on personal work you’ve done around your healing?

Finally, again Please understand that this site is geared toward people who are IN relationships with people who have BPD or BPD traits.  All posts are anonymous but members do go into detail about their partners’ behaviors in order to get help.  So there could be postings here that you may find unsettling.  On the other hand, there is great information here (communication tools, book recommendations) that could really help your GF understand BPD.

All that being said, if you want to continue a dialogue, we can try that for a bit.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes