Finally placed in Assisted Living

[madeline7]

My Mom finally agreed to move to Assisted Living from Independent Living. From the moment she got there, she went into an emotional nosedive. Day 1 was the silent treatment, day 2 was rage, and for the past few weeks she is deep into a depression. She is either having memory issues, or manipulating, or more likely both. She thinks her adult kids "put her there", but in actuality, she has capacity to make her own decisions and asked us to help her move there. She technically could leave, but in reality is too helpless to do anything without our complete help. The reason for my post... I am feeling somewhat lighter, as now I know she is in a place with oversight. I know they are checking on her to make sure she hasn't fallen, and delivering all her meals to her apartment, as she is mostly refusing to go to the dining room. When I do visit, I feel mostly detached at this point. And I feel terrible abut that. Justified but still terrible. I am just worn out, and now that her defenses are weakening,  I am finally able to have better boundaries, but wish I had been stronger when she was acting out to protect myself. It still takes tremendous effort to maintain these boundaries, and I would rather put that effort into the things that bring me joy.

[zachira]

Reaching out to you and hopefully validating your feelings. I think we often judge ourselves harshly about not having better boundaries with our mother with BPD and how not starting sooner has affected us/affects us now. As children of a mother with BPD, we are brainwashed to believe and act in ways that are not good for our well being. It sounds like you are grieving right now so many of the losses that come with having a mother with BPD yet at the same time are staying positive while feeling some relief. I admire how you have made a happy marriage, been a great mother to your children, and are kind to your mother despite the way she treats you. It is normal to feel sad about whatever happens with your mother, as you know people with BPD have an extraordinary talent for dumping onto others their unwanted feelings. In my experience, daughters with a mother with BPD are often the primary target for those unwanted feelings, especially those that are taking care of her in her old age. We are thinking of you and here to support you.

[madeline7]

yep, my uBPDm only has daughters, so the black hat has been passed down to me from an older sister. I appreciate your support, wish I had some in my FOO...

[zachira]

Madeliene7,
I hear your heartache that you do not have support from your FOO. Who do you feel supports and understands your situation with your mother? I would think that some of those that work in the Assisted Living probably get it. Clearly they may not say anything, though their facial expressions and indirect comments can say that they get it.

[madeline7]

Most of the professionals don't know that she is mentally ill, she can appear so high functioning, and they think she is just depressed and elderly and grieving over the loss of my Dad. She looks like she needs care now that she is elderly, but as NotWendy said in a reply to someone's post recently, her Mom, and my Mom have always needed help. That observation was very helpful to me. This site is not only supportive, but eye opening as well.

[GaGrl]

Just a quick note to say I'm so sorry for the lack of support. But I get it, I really do.

My parents were both only children, and my sister died of breast cancer in 1988. After Dad passed (2015), it's Mom and me. She lived alone until we retired at the end of 2018 -- I worried a lot, as we were 400 miles away. Now she lives with DH and me -- it has been quite an adjustment.

I don't know what I would do without my DH and mom's friends. She is 94.