Building Backwards

[All_Out_of_Sync]

Good morning all, I hope you have a blessed day and find some peace in the midst of whatever storm you are in.

Before arriving at personality disorders in general and BPD specifically, I have read a lot of different material.  One book that i found helpful for my situation was Patricia Evan's Controlling People.  She describes a process of putting relationships together "backwards."

I have experienced this with my wife over the years and am curious if this is something others here have experienced. 

For example, we will have a conversation that goes poorly, she will lash out in a dysregulated state (often denies later) however will want physical contact (i.e. a hug) immediately after but before anything is resolved.  After being subjected to her angry outburst and cruel words, I have little interest in physical touch and often refuse to initiate a hug.  She won't initiate, I have to be the one to reach out.

I am starting to understand this as "feelings dictating fact" & splitting.

>  If she isn't worthy to be hugged, she has done something wrong.

> If she has done something wrong, she is not good.

> If she is not good, she is bad. 

> If she bad, then I will never want to give her a hug.

Anyone experience something similar?

Sync

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Red5]

Hello AOoS,

Here is what I used to see... she actually told me this about two weeks ago (we are separated and we ‘date’ now),

* ”you emotionaly abused me, you took my power away”. *

Which actually means, remembering the feelings equal facts programing... that she feels out of control inside, so she tries to control everyone and everything around her, I came to the “event horizon” of bpd-npd-ppd discovery... and once there I set boundaries... and refused forthwith to be controlled...

She took great issue with this... thus Red5 “abused her” emotionaly by setting a strong boundary... and Red5 “took her power away” by refusing (boundary) to be controlled any longer... not even for the sake of capitulation (peace)... I even refused the ST, and told her that this behavior (negative control punishment) was “abusive” and I was not going to participate in my own “punishment”.

Then I started to learn about “validation”...’and to not be “invalidating”.

It’s been a long eleven years, eight of these years married.

Thank you for posting this, I try to;... strive to learn something new each day.

If nothing else, my relationship with my udx wife has taught me life lessons worth many thousands of dollars' in college tuition to a psychology degree program?  but seriously this is true : (

Hope you are having a blessed day as well AOoS !

Red5  

[All_Out_of_Sync]

Red, this is spot on for what i have experienced.

She took great issue with this ... thus Red5 “abused her” emotionaly by setting a strong boundary ... and Red5 “took her power away” by refusing (boundary) to be controlled any longer ... not even for the sake of capitulation (peace) ... I even refused the ST, and told her that this behavior (negative control punishment) was “abusive” and I was not going to participate in my own “punishment”.

The conversation my wife just initiated included her telling me that my lack of communication "devalues her."   When I told her that I have put boundaries in place due to emotionally unsafe behavior, she refused to acknowledge her past dsyregulation. 

She actually took it up a notch and told me her feelings create reality.  When I responded that her feelings are real but they do not define me, she pushed back pretty hard. (Not surprisingly.  Thankfulky, armed with the new knowledge of "Feeling dictate facts", I could sidestep the argument.)

Then I started to learn about “validation”...’and to not be “invalidating”.

I just finished listening to Overcoming BPD but had a really hard time with the process of validating.  It may sound petty but right now I am struggling with the thought that I need to cater to her false reality.   On one level I have started to give her grace but on another I just want to scream, "GROW UP!"

I think when I fully wrap my mind around it as a disability, I may be able to work on what it will take for me to start validating.

For the time being, it just feels like catering to crazy...