Trying to have a friendship only with uBPDso

[NorseWoman]

STORY:   had a rocky 1 1/2 year r/s with a uBPD significant other, It finally ended- I couldn't take it anymore, a 4 month NC occurred, the ex broke the NC and I responded.

NOW:   We are trying to establish a friendship only. At this time (and I think forever) I do Not want anything more than a friendship. I do not really know what the uBPD xso final objective is, it was said a friendship. I also know I used the words "I think" instead of something more definite.
This may be too stressful for me, I don't know. I am still learning how to communicate with the uBPDxso. I am also looking at my motives for wanting this now. I will say that I am a recovering co dependant. Let me stress the word  Recovering (5 years now) I know - a difficult combo. I will not lose my serenity.   I am reading a good book entitled "Loving someone with Borderline personality Disorder", I am still reading on these boards, talking with a friend, and I still go to Coda and relying on my higher power to guide me .

Any suggestions on "What else can I do to help Me and the friendship attempt" will be appreciated

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Panda39]

My overall question is why you are pursuing the friendship and what you hope to get out of the friendship?  You are on the "Bettering" Board is it your wish to get back together?

Below are some questions pulled from another link might be some good things to ask yourself... "Being "Friends" after a breakup... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=67671.0

1.  Do you feel that the relationship is truly over... .or are you hoping that you can reconnect sometime in the future?

2.  If this was a romantic relationship, do you still have strong sexual feelings for the person?

3.  What do you feel that being a "friend" entails:  Going places together?  Talking about important personal issues?  "Hanging out?"  Discussing new men and/or women in your lives?  Someone to count on and help out when something bad happens?

4.  Does being a "friend" with the ex mean that you don't date others... .or that you have no interest in dating others?

5.  Are you considering being a "friend" because you fear that the ex may harm him/herself... .or may harm you?

6.  Does being a friend mean that you rehash the ended relationship?  That you are open to being told of your deficiencies... or that you tell the ex of his/her deficiencies?

7.  Are you leaving the door open to reconnection?

8.  Does one of you want to reconnect while the other wants to move on... .  at least romantically?

Just some food for thought.
Panda39

[NorseWoman]

Thanks Panda39 for the link and questions. The questions are helping with setting my boundaries.

The r/s is not over.  We are changing it to friendship, if possible. Then, where?  I am not sure, it depends on how the friendship goes and how my life evolves outside of this friendship.
Why do I want to be friends? because I did truly enjoy the great aspects of this person. I do not hold myself responsible for what the ex does or doesn't do.
I will not rehash the previous r/s with the ex. I will not look at  future possibilities now. I only will enjoy today and if today becomes not enjoyable then I will end this friendship, reinstate NC and move on.
So, what does this friendship mean for me? emailing, texting once in a while. Maybe being in each others presence once in awhile. To me It does not mean being we cannot date others. I am just not quite ready yet- need to finish old business first.
I need to set boundaries with the ex uBPD. We need to be very clear to each other on expectations.
I have some definite answers with other answers in a wait and see mode.
Meantime, I will keep learning ,whether for this r/s or for a possible next.
Taking care of the most important person. Me

[once removed]

i am friends with an ex that has bpd traits. we talk about once a month, sometimes more, and i attend her annual halloween parties.

its okay. about as fulfilling as other friendships. she can be pretty sensitive to perceived rejection or criticism, but its not a big deal, and i dont walk on eggshells.

so, it can work. it can be especially challenging if you have remaining romantic feelings, and/or if youre prone to walking on eggshells. and of course theres no guarantee regarding his feelings, or how he will behave.

I need to set boundaries with the ex uBPD. We need to be very clear to each other on expectations.
I have some definite answers with other answers in a wait and see mode.

what did you have in mind?

[NorseWoman]

Yes, romantic feelings are still there. The attempt at friendship may lead to more.
What's different on this attempt : total honesty because there is nothing to lose.
Everything is TBD, at the moment

N.W.

[once removed]

Yes, romantic feelings are still there. The attempt at friendship may lead to more.

understood.

"friends only" is a very different situation with "friends that may lead to more"...two very different approaches.

What's different on this attempt : total honesty because there is nothing to lose.
Everything is TBD, at the moment

i would really encourage you to seek clarity on this. nothing changes without changes; dont wing it. determine what didnt work before and why (getting feedback on this will help) and what you want to do differently.

hows it going so far?

[NorseWoman]

Once Removed, I may be fooling myself. I am not positive what I want to happen. I want a miracle, yet I do know they don't happen.  I am questioning myself a lot. Some of my thoughts have become clearer  and have changed.

The  ex and I are meeting this coming Thursday, we each are bringing a list of what we didn't like in the r/s and want corrected/worked on. You all know what's on my list - I will not use the BPD term, I shall ask for comments on the ex's abandonment issue, push/pull in our r/s, why everything is my fault, some rare paranoia, maybe some narcissism, accusations, and lack of trust. I will state what I have been doing since the breakup (support group, therapy, coda, reading/learning) .
I highly suspect that the ex's list will be what I need to do to fix the relationship.  This will not surprise me and if that happens I shall politely excuse myself and initiate NC again because friendship just won't work for me, very limited contact may work - not sure.

This attempt will have an awareness in me that I have never had before. I will self protect with boundaries.

N.W.

[once removed]

I am not positive what I want to happen.

i reiterate: dont wing it. thats a sure fire recipe for disaster. get clear. this is your opportunity to give things a fighting chance.

The  ex and I are meeting this coming Thursday, we each are bringing a list of what we didn't like in the r/s and want corrected/worked on. You all know what's on my list - I will not use the BPD term, I shall ask for comments on the ex's abandonment issue, push/pull in our r/s, why everything is my fault, some rare paranoia, maybe some narcissism, accusations, and lack of trust. I will state what I have been doing since the breakup (support group, therapy, coda, reading/learning) .
I highly suspect that the ex's list will be what I need to do to fix the relationship.  This will not surprise me and if that happens I shall politely excuse myself and initiate NC again because friendship just won't work for me, very limited contact may work - not sure.

do i have it right that the two of you are meeting to, by and large, discuss the relationship problems as you see them? and youre not really keen on hearing his list?

[NorseWoman]

The ex uBPD and I met.  I did not mention BPD.
We each discussed our lists on what we need to change if we reinstate the r/s.
It went well. So much honesty and wilingness. We will try AGAIN. This time I am armed with more awareness and knowledge. I will reread atop Walking on Eggshells a few more times.
I have hope and I know what I have to do for my 50%. I feel the ex understands what is needed for the other 50%. We will see a couples therapist.
If I see the r/s going back to the way it was before, I am prepared to end it again.
I am feeling somewhat embarrassed of going back again, will everyone think I am a fool.
I am reluctant to tell people of my decision, I will though, let them think what they will.
N.W.

[NorseWoman]

I need to go back to the Detaching/Failed Relationship board.

The lesson that I learned is that just because I am more aware and have more knowledge does Not mean the relationship will now work out. The ex uBPD has not changed (of course) and I do not want to live the rest of my life walking on Eggshells.  I had to find out first hand. It was just another lesson that my higher power had planned for me.
I am ok with the outcome as I had placed it in my higher powers domain.

N.W.

[once removed]

what happened, NorseWoman?

[NorseWoman]

What happened was asked by Once Removed, so here goes.

Of course, the ex uBPD had not changed any, I expected this, I just hoped that my new awareness and knowledge would help me accept it all. Silly me, it was not enough.
It all started when I asked a question, had to ask it 3 times and still got no answer. Then the rage started, I was shocked at what followed. It all escalated so fast.
The accusations that our poor r/s was all my fault, telling me I was a failure, that I can't understand, that I was the mad controlling one, that I never think about anyone else but myself, that I can't admit making a mistake, etc. I had seen this behavior before in the ex.
I honestly thought about all this and decided that I was not going to live with this treatment. I don't deserve it, I did nothing wrong. So, despite knowing more on how to react to the UBPD I decided to end the r/s and go to total N.C forever. Then I went to my Coda meeting. I actually am doing very well, no surprise because that is what I chose - a much happier life.
N.W.

[once removed]

It all started when I asked a question

what question?

[NorseWoman]

ME  sent an email listing some books I had purchased to read.
EX   email said "why will you not read the book that I love".
ME  I said "I never said I wouldn't read that book,  Go back and read my email again"
EX  no answer, just got "you don't care about me cause you won't read my  book"  
ME  I asked again, no answer.
EX   sent a email ripping me apart: I am mad, I am controlling, I cant have a successful
         r/s, I don't care, I cant admit making a mistake, I don't know what boundaries are,
         I am always on the defensive, I always take things too personally, I never think
          about the ex, I chose not to resolve this issue, I cant see the other side, I always
          want to be right.

 It is not about the book, its about the behavior after. I can not be with this person.  I deserve so much better.
I am ok with the end of this r/s.
Today I am asking " How can a human treat another this way, say such untrue words, hurt another"     Yes, I know that hurt people hurt people.  I cannot put up with this and I don't have to. Even if I understood the uBPM more I don't want this in my life.
Am I giving up?  YES I AM
 All my future posts will be on the detaching board