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snowglobe
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« Reply #30 on: July 04, 2019, 04:13:05 AM » |
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I keep on waking up at 4 am every day. Blissful sleep, the only luxury I could afford is gone. I wake up with a shaking dread, fists tightened, being propelled with fear, anger and hurt. I go to sleep easily from all of the events during the day. It’s day three that ubpdh called me names and told me to get out of his face. He has been avoiding me, coming home late and only going to the bedroom to change. He has been sleeping on the couch. I don’t come out from the bedroom, when I do, I can’t wrestle with the similar feelings, hurt, anger and betrayal. I start shaking and begin to fear loosing control and starting an ugly insult fight, so I immediately leave. We communicate via email or text, curt, concise and precisely to the point. Kids, business and car is all we communicate about. I saw my friends last night briefly, who had helped me by taking my youngest so I can process emotions without him being exposed. Everyone is encouraging me to keep emotions in check as to not scare or scar the kids. I’m doing my best, but all I really wanted to do is to yell at his face “you had deceived me you manipulating a$$hole, I curse the day you were born”. With a strong power of will I stay quiet and carry on with my tasks. I feel completely handicapped by my emotions. I am not for me, or for my children. I feel simultaneously guilty for abandoning them, for putting their future at risk by complying with ubpdh’s demand for the sale. I feel shattered that he broke this trust. Vengeance is a terrible things to be carrying around with me. I want to accept, forgive and move forward. I feel like I’m sinking to the bottom of the ocean. Ubpdh is refusing to talk, let alone discuss options such as getting out of the biding selling contract by paying the buyer compensation. I constantly experience a feeling like someone is standing on my chest and I can’t take a full breath. I feel like I’m going crazy. I want to run away, or go to the hospital to take this constant emotional pain away. I’m afraid if I do check myself in into a mental hospital I will loose the children. How could a person live all the while knowing that he is causing so much pain to his family? Similar to psychopaths he doesn’t have a consciousness or empathy.
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