Think mom is uBPD but doesn't fit one of the 4 categories

[WalkbyFaith]

Recently learned about BPD, and much of it fits my mother and my childhood experience. Feels quite validating...like I didn't imagine it! It's terrifying to dig into yet at the same time, relieving. I am currently reading thru the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and following is a select sample of parts I've highlighted that fit her-

"One day they may see their children as angelic; other days their rage and sarcasm can shatter their children's souls."

"The hallmarks of borderline behavior are inconsistency, unpredictability, and inappropriate intensity."

"Their mothers invade their privacy, manipulate them, invalidate their feelings..."

"Tend to catastrophize and panic easily."

"Often forget painful experiences that their children remember vividly."

"The borderline's stream of thought can rush or ramble like a river, bending and twisting."

Anyway, that's a small sampling of my highlighting, but where I am a bit confused is in reading the 4 descriptions of Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch. My mother exhibits some/a few qualities of all 4, but there is much of all 4 that do not apply to her at all. What I am saying is she does not fit completely into any of the 4 categories. Is this normal? Can she be BPD but not distinctively one of the 4 types?

[GaGrl]

That book is helpful, but actually, it is more complex than four distinct tupes.

 The diagnostic criteria for BPD lists 9 characteristics -- 5 out of 9 are considered to be a medical diagnosis for BPD. There is an article on this site regarding diagnostic criteria. This could help you see if your person with PD might be truly medically diagnosable.

The four personae -- Queen, Witch, Hermit, Waif -- might be helpful in seeing how a person with BPD shows up. It usually isn't one type -- more often, it is a combination. The laBOR in our life is usually a Queen, becomes a Witch when crossed, and reverts to Wait when she doesn't get her way.

So...not a simple answer for you.

What do you see most often?

[WalkbyFaith]

Thank you for your reply, GaGrl. What I see is a combination, as you described. Mostly a mixture of Waif/Hermit, with a few Queen tendencies now & then, and becoming Witch when triggered.

[No-One]

Hi WalkbyFaith:
Welcome!
The DSM definition for Borderline can be found at the link below:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder

Don't get too hung up on whether you mom fits exactly into a category.  I've read mention of the fact that most people interacting on this website are dealing with people with strong BPD traits, as opposed to having an official diagnosis with the required number of traits.  Even a few strong BPD traits can make someone very difficult to be around and deal with.

The diagnosis can be a bit subjective and you will sometimes find that people mention that the person in their life may have received different diagnoses through the years.

Best to focus on and deal with the specific issues/traits one by one, as opposed to a global diagnosis. 

What are a few of your most frustrating current issues with your mom?

[Panda39]

Hi WalkbyFaith,

I've seen my Partner's undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) move around more than one of the categories too.  I think that happens because she uses different behaviors in different situations to get what she wants.  She is a Queen most of the time entitled/bossy/a bully, but if pushing people around doesn't work she can go Waif and play the victim.  I've seen her literally hide in the house to avoid things...Hermit.  Luckily I don't know of her getting as bad as the witch.

The Borderline Mother book is only one book, I encourage you to branch out and read more.  I found it helpful to read several things to get a good grounding in what BPD is.

A couple books on BPD in general that I liked are...

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS & Randi Kreger 

and

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change
by Valerie Porr

We have a board of book reviews if you want to take a look for some more reading ideas...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0

I'd like to join the others and say Welcome to the group

Panda39
 

[JNChell]

5 out of 9. Hang out and learn. It all comes down to behavior.