Denial and grief

[yamada]

I have been in denial thinking I am managing my toxic parents and sister. .. How do you walk away from it all and the loss of everything both familial and financial. How do you manage the horrible realisation that they chose your sibling over you both financially and emotionally? That it will never be fair and it will even and there will always be bias. How do you accept that so you can let it go and walk away? My relationship with my parents and sister is causing so much stress between my husband and my kids and myself. I have to choose my own family. But I keep walking back thinking this time my parents will be different. And inheritance is the bait they are dangling. How do you say that whilst these people treat me like a bad person it doesnt mean I am a bad person.

[Kwamina]

Hi yamada

My relationship with my parents and sister is causing so much stress between my husband and my kids and myself.

I think this is crucial. Acceptance is difficult and something many of us on here keep struggling with. Radical acceptance in reality is something that requires continual work, kind of like maintenance. No matter how you move forward with your parents and sister, I think it's very important for you to set and defend boundaries with them, not just to protect yourself but also to protect your own family. How do your husband and kids feel about your parents and sister? Have your husband and kids expressed whether they want to (dis)continue the relationship with your parents and sister?

But I keep walking back thinking this time my parents will be different. And inheritance is the bait they are dangling.

Why do you think you keep thinking things will be different this time? There is always hope and change is definitely possible, but based on your past experiences with them, do you see any realistic or concrete evidence suggesting they are willing and/or capable of positive change?

How do you say that whilst these people treat me like a bad person it doesnt mean I am a bad person.

Their words do not define you.

Their words aren't a reflection of reality at all.

Their words aren't a reflection of who you really are at all.

Their words are a reflection of their own inner turmoil, insecurity and negativity which they are projecting onto you.

Take care

The Board Parrot

[yamada]

Thank you

I am staying away from the lot of them.  ATM. they will never be fair. My sister is greedy and she will steal from anyone,. which is that she is doing to me.

[Harri]

Kwamina said:

Their words do not define you.

Their words aren't a reflection of reality at all.

Their words aren't a reflection of who you really are at all.

Their words are a reflection of their own inner turmoil, insecurity and negativity which they are projecting onto you.

I wish we could have this on every page here.   

[Maya L]

I’m battling with similar feelings.

Just because people act like you are bad does not mean that you are, probably they feel bad about themselves but denies it by putting someone lower down the ladder in their mind. So they are at least ‘better than you’ in their mind. But it hurts a lot, especially with parents.

[Libra]

Hi Yamada,

I hear you, loud and clear! I think I posted something very similar a couple of months ago.

To me,  the fact that you realize you are not yet there when trying to manage or let go of your parents and sister is a clear sign that you are still making progress.

I have had to look inwards hard and long these past months, to find out what is important to me and to define my own values. Only then could I turn my gaze outward to decide, based on these values, what was acceptable to me and what was not, and to decide whom I want to stay in contact with and with which boundaries/at what cost.

I am now trying to accept that what I expect of my FOO will never be, to let go of those expectations. I want to move forward on my own strength and with my own family.

Grief and letting go take time.
Try to allow yourself time to look inward and to process, and not to be dragged along in a whirlwind of emotions and accusations. You have no obligation to defend or explain yourself.



Libra.

[yamada]

Thanks Libra. I am have been doing a lot of writing of trying to figure out what the carrot is they keep dangling that keeps me hooked and why I wont let go. Any other place I would walk away. Work in progress.