Another Day, Another Meltdown

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Last night, my son (16) asked us during dinner whether we would like to play Rock Band (video game) after we finished.  It's a family activity we have.  We both said yes and sat down to play after dinner.  Well, a couple of songs into our first set, your dog jumped onto my lap and I started petting her and talking to her and my son about how silly she was.

Suddenly my husband burst out in a really annoyed voice, "Can we just keep playing before I fall asleep over here?" Which, stopped everything dead.  I  replied with, "I'm sorry, I thought we were here to relax and have a good time together." We finished the set of songs and my son asked him if he needed to stop playing because he was too tired to play. "No, I just want to play the game," he replied.  But socializing with each other is part of the game.  He eventually said, in a completely deadpan, flat voice, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings."

We played another set but none of our hearts were in it, and my son said he was done playing after that and went to his room.  My husband sat there, staring at the floor, not moving.  I asked him if he needed to talk and he just started coming unglued.  He threw down his guitar and flew into a rage, hitting himself and screaming about running out into traffic and saying the he just needed to die, that he wanted to die. 

I told him he could either work to calm himself down or I could call 911.  I had my phone in one hand ready to dial to let him know I wasn't kidding. He continued to rant about what a failure he was and how he's "screwed everything up again" and on and on and on.  All familiar self-loathing and hate to me.  I let him talk for awhile but he was getting agitated again so I asked him to stop. I told him that I thought he needed to use one of his other coping mechanisms because I felt that the conversation was unhealthy for me and I didn't want to listen to him berating himself anymore. 

He stood silently for a good 20 minutes, not moving.  Just standing there.  I didn't dare say anything or move from my spot.  I just sat, knitting, trying to exude calm while I was screaming in my head to get him away from me.  He finally came back and said that he reacted to everything wrong and  that he felt devastated by it.  He said that all he wanted was to never fight with me again. Not get along with me, not having a loving relationship, just to never have us fight again. 

He left then, saying he was going to study his notebook (from therapy) and try and refocus himself.  As far as I know, he want to bed.  He didn't say good night. 

I was up all night.  I just couldn't even think of sleeping.  My son came out of his room and we talked together for a good two and half hours about what happened, about how it made us feel, and  then just talking. 

I feel at my wits end.  I've read books and tried to learn how to properly deal with his outbursts.  I've distanced myself and given him space to work on himself and tried to work on myself.  It seems though, that as soon as I started feeling that I was getting somewhere with myself, he would have another outburst and I have to start over again. 

I'm so tired of feeling disappointed and trying to deal with being the brunt of his anger and hate.  I tell myself all the time that it's him and not me and I work so hard to keep things as safe and happy for my kids but we are all still on edge as soon as he comes through that front door every night.  He brings so much darkness with him.

He's been sending me all these texts all day filled with pain and despair and hopelessness.  Nothing I reply with any "wisdom" seems to matter.  Meanwhile, he's on Twitter with a completely different voice - saying he's trying so hard be better. He's saying these things to complete strangers.  I only know about it because my son just came and told me.

I don't know what to do except go back and reread stuff and try and work the system but it feels like the system is not working.

[Fyreb1rd]

Last night, my son (16) asked us during dinner whether we would like to play Rock Band (video game) after we finished.  It's a family activity we have.  We both said yes and sat down to play after dinner.  Well, a couple of songs into our first set, your dog jumped onto my lap and I started petting her and talking to her and my son about how silly she was.

Suddenly my husband burst out in a really annoyed voice, "Can we just keep playing before I fall asleep over here?" Which, stopped everything dead.  I  replied with, "I'm sorry, I thought we were here to relax and have a good time together." We finished the set of songs and my son asked him if he needed to stop playing because he was too tired to play. "No, I just want to play the game," he replied.  But socializing with each other is part of the game.  He eventually said, in a completely deadpan, flat voice, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings."

We played another set but none of our hearts were in it, and my son said he was done playing after that and went to his room.  My husband sat there, staring at the floor, not moving.  I asked him if he needed to talk and he just started coming unglued.  He threw down his guitar and flew into a rage, hitting himself and screaming about running out into traffic and saying the he just needed to die, that he wanted to die. 

I told him he could either work to calm himself down or I could call 911.  I had my phone in one hand ready to dial to let him know I wasn't kidding. He continued to rant about what a failure he was and how he's "screwed everything up again" and on and on and on.  All familiar self-loathing and hate to me.  I let him talk for awhile but he was getting agitated again so I asked him to stop. I told him that I thought he needed to use one of his other coping mechanisms because I felt that the conversation was unhealthy for me and I didn't want to listen to him berating himself anymore. 

He stood silently for a good 20 minutes, not moving.  Just standing there.  I didn't dare say anything or move from my spot.  I just sat, knitting, trying to exude calm while I was screaming in my head to get him away from me.  He finally came back and said that he reacted to everything wrong and  that he felt devastated by it.  He said that all he wanted was to never fight with me again. Not get along with me, not having a loving relationship, just to never have us fight again. 

He left then, saying he was going to study his notebook (from therapy) and try and refocus himself.  As far as I know, he want to bed.  He didn't say good night. 

I was up all night.  I just couldn't even think of sleeping.  My son came out of his room and we talked together for a good two and half hours about what happened, about how it made us feel, and  then just talking. 

I feel at my wits end.  I've read books and tried to learn how to properly deal with his outbursts.  I've distanced myself and given him space to work on himself and tried to work on myself.  It seems though, that as soon as I started feeling that I was getting somewhere with myself, he would have another outburst and I have to start over again. 

I'm so tired of feeling disappointed and trying to deal with being the brunt of his anger and hate.  I tell myself all the time that it's him and not me and I work so hard to keep things as safe and happy for my kids but we are all still on edge as soon as he comes through that front door every night.  He brings so much darkness with him.

He's been sending me all these texts all day filled with pain and despair and hopelessness.  Nothing I reply with any "wisdom" seems to matter.  Meanwhile, he's on Twitter with a completely different voice - saying he's trying so hard be better. He's saying these things to complete strangers.  I only know about it because my son just came and told me.

I don't know what to do except go back and reread stuff and try and work the system but it feels like the system is not working.

[AskingWhy]

Fyre, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, as is your family.

Your threat to call 911 is what might have been needed.  pwBPD are not "out of control."  They have their full faculties when they choose to dysregulate, call names, break things and physically hurt partners.

Your H seems to be one of those with BPD who is very empty and with low self esteem.  That does not make it right to dysregulate in any way.  I am sorry your S has to witness this.

We all have to make our own choices on how to manage behavior, but in the end, it is the pwBPD who has to make choices.  You know what your H's issues are.   

[MiseryMarriage#3]

Your threat to call 911 is what might have been needed.  pwBPD are not "out of control."  They have their full faculties when they choose to dysregulate, call names, break things and physically hurt partners.

Amen to that!  So true.  I have a hard time with people that act like mental health issues means no control all the the time.  Thank you. 

@Fyreb1rd How long has he been in therapy?  I also am sorry you have to experience this and the pain it causes when you can't shield your son.  In all fairness, kids are pretty resilient and it sounds like you do a great job as a mom to use those moments as teachable moments.  That goes a long ways.   

I think you are really "lucky" that he is IN THERAPY and he obviously has some self-awareness.  That's huge!  I want to be careful in this recommendation because many people just "throw out" the idea of medication.  Many people quote these books but even in the back of the book called I hate you don't leave me, there are all sorts of recommended types of therapy and I believe medication classes.  While he is learning to regulate, you may want to see if his doctor or a psychiatrist will prescribe a mood stabilizer or anti anxiety med (citalopram is an example of something mild with minimum side effects).  I took an anti anxiety med until I was able to wean myself off just to deal with how it was stirring my GAD to untolerable levels.  It's worth exploring all avenues.  My hBPD said it helped take the edge off.  He's been working at it for almost 2 years.  I don't know how long he has been in therapy or aware that he has BPD but it takes time. 

I concur with @AskingWhy.  He obviously went into self-loathing over how he reacted.  I make light of things like this sometimes.  In our house, we call them the BPs.  When he starts exhibiting signs of the BPs, I hang up if on the phone and tell him his BPs are kicking then focus on work or whatever... like it never happened.  Or if he has them in person, maybe try to get him to a place where he will agree to leave the house when he has an onset.  Go for a drive.  Go to the gym.  Whatever.  Then come back when he clears his head.  Also, I notice mine does better with physical activity.  Does he get exercise? Tell him to go walk it out around the neighborhood.  But I would try to come up with a strategy as a family.  And if you and your son allow him to be a mood killer, it's likely that contributes to him feeling like a big ole piece of pooh.  Maybe you both can agree to signal to each other when something happens that is clearly related to BPD and wink oh, okay.  Then both of you agree to act like nothing happened or at least acknowledge in a way that give him an out.  Have you learned about the SET way of communicating with him?  https://www.verywellmind.com/support-empathy-truth-set-for-borderline-personality-425229

If nothing else it allows you and your son to acknowledge what is happening and not be so sidelined by it.  It's going to happen.  Just some thoughts.  Hopefully it helps.