Ex girlfriend with BPD, hot and cold.

[stlcards0803]

Hello community - Im new to this whole thing but im hoping this site can bring some insight and relief on my end. Bare with me, as theres alot of details to explain. My ex and dated for 2.5 years and we of course had our ups and downs. We lived together for 2 years of that. She has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, bipolar, and she is narcissistic. So she had "episodes"(thats what we called them) that would put strain on the relationship. But im an extremely patient and caring guy who always stayed there no matter how bad it got. Shes a very pretty girl, when she goes out guys try to talk to her. So a few times in our relationship she did try talking to another guy. I forgave her and things went back to normal. Then she went to brazil for a class trip a little over 5 weeks ago... and we couldnt talk much and she ended up cheating on me. She came back and i found out, i saw how much pain she was in so i forgave her and just wanted things to go back to normal. However she would bring up how guilt she felt and how she just felt different, that it changed who she was and, she missed brazil and her friends. She started going out drinking with her friends(ALOT) about a week later and ran into one of the guys she tried talking to behind my back, she said her friend was talking to him not me. So of course, i freaked out a little and didn't believe it. The next morning i apologized and she said she just wanted us to work and if we need to, to go to pre marital counseling just to get brazil out of her head and what happened resolved. I was relieved then a few hours later she wanted a break. I gave her it and came back two days later, when i was back she said she just finally wanted to get engaged and be happy with me. What she was saying and doing made me think there was no way she didn't mean it. So on her birthday three days later i proposed, she was on cloud 9 and it was the best day of my life. But, when we went to dinner her friends were saying things like, "are you sure this is what you want" and even had a guy classmate say "This is a joke right?" so she started saying things about that and i calmed her down and we ended up having a great night. the next day i went to work and was still happy as hell and so was she. Then she followed the guy she "ran into" the week before and i only said "it makes me uncomfortable that you would follow him but we are engaged now and i trust you" thats the exact text. She flipped the script and just said she didn't want the ring or us anymore. I left work immediately and tried to talk to her, all she did was stare at her phone and listened to music but wouldn't talk to me unless i said something about another guy, or her going out a bunch(She went out 3 out of 4 nights which was just not like her). I was heartbroken, later that night i tried to talk to her again and she did the same stuff. She got angry and just started barrating me with horrible name calling, and other things. She said " I dont love you, i dont care about you, everything i said was a lie, im leaving" and she left. i decided the next day to go ahead and just pack my stuff instead of kicking her out, her dad was unbelievably excited to throw her an engagement party and knew something was up when i canceled. so he called me and asked what happened, i told him. In return her family got so mad at her. She tried to beg me to talk to er the day after that but i had to stand my ground for once and she did not like that.   and even asked me to go to dinner but said i shouldn't get the wrong idea.

This breakup happened 4 weeks ago. Her and I reconciled, hooked up and two days later she slept with someone new, she was hysterical when i found out, crying and just screaming i dont know whats going on in my head. So i forgave her, and things got really good. We went on a date that lasted all day and she said it was "one of the best days of her life" and two days later she slept with the guy again. So i told her to stop contacting me, that it was done. Well... She kept contacting me, everytime i see her she asks me to spend the night, the day after she pushes me away. Shes still seeing that guy, I sat there for weeks and just was so confused as to how someone could do this to someone they love, and then i started going to therapy. The therapist sat down with me for an hour and just let me know what BPD really is and that I did nothing wrong and need to understand that. That my ex made a mistake and people with BPD cant cope with it so the throw walls up and erupt, becomming recklace and making bad decisions that normal people wouldnt make. She told me that she will continue to come back and my ex who is a bad sufferer of it, will not seek help. She doesnt need to, she has/had me, then jumped to another guy who shes into now, and shell continue to do that. Theres so much more to this but i feel like this is way too long of a post already so ill stop now.

My question/s to you guys are:
-Even with a mental illness, how can someone move on to someone else while still being with that person you "Love"
-How can I be ok?
-When she tries to contact me, what do i do?(I really miss her, but ive given her so many oppurtunities to just stop and she wont)
- In my heart i love her still, i miss everything and wish her class trip never happened. Has anyone ever reconciled or had an issue similar to this? How did you get through it?

I find myself even when i try to talk to other women, just thinking about her non stop, getting annoyed at that girl whos being nice to me because shes not my ex. I realy loved her. She knows this, and she even told me that "im the guy she wants to marry but not right now." She uses me for my finances and emotional care but still sleeps around? ive been through breakups before, horrible ones. But this, this is just so different and so hard to comprehend. Why dont i feel like im done with her? Why do i feel like shes gonna crawl back because she has been continuously? Why would she talk bad about me to everyone even tho i never did anything wrong? its like shes convinced herself that i sucked or i was horrible to her. The things she says about me or to me never even happened or she over exaggerates them. Its horrible. Thank you for whoever took the time to read this, anything helps.

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[Longterm]

Hi stlcards0803 and Welcome.

A pwBPD suffers a lot of core shame and will often emotionally dysregulate. When this happens you will see some acting out behaviours and cheating can be one of those behaviours. It can be incredibly painful for the non (you) and this is perfectly understandable.

They can move on quickly because of a lack of object constancy, basically that means out of sight, out of mind.

You can't really be Ok, what you have just experienced is nothing short of traumatic, this will take time to heal. There are many resources on this site to help you gather a better understanding of your current circumstances, these will be invaluable in whatever choice you make moving forwards.

She is most likely reaching out to you to make sure you are still there.

We have all been/going through it.

You are not alone here, we all understand how difficult this is.

What you are doing is called ruminating. These relationships leave us distraught to the point that everyday functioning and thinking becomes difficult. You don't feel like your done with her because you have given her your all and she has taken it, in essence you have lost yourself and need to think about YOU right now. A pwBPD has a defence mechanism called "splitting", you are all good or all bad, to her, you are all bad right now and that is why I said to think about YOU.

This will help you get an idea of what's going on right now.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/Dr-Jekyll-and-Mr-Hyde

LT.