I am so angry and exploded

[insideoutside]

Hi guys

So I've commented on a few posts about my friend who takes hours to respond to a simple text.  This is 6 months on from me helping him through a very dark place in his life including suicidal ideation.  I was in contact with him and vice versa every single day with numerous calls up until about early April when I backed off a bit as he was starting to become inappropriate and crossing boundaries, which he blamed on knowing each other 'for a long time'.  During the time I helped him he called me an angel and said I had been amazing in my help towards him.  Since April contact has become really sporadic.  The longest he has taken to respond to a text is 9 hours.  Nobody doesn't see a text within that time and is too busy to respond.  He doesn't work so can't use that as an excuse.  I haven't spoken to him on the phone for 6 weeks now, prior to that it was 7 weeks.  I have made noises about my displeasure at being what I can only describe as dropped like a hot potato.  He said that he was 'forgetful' on his new medication and not to take it personally.  I don't buy that whatsoever.  However, I accepted it as an excuse and things seemed to improve with him making an effort to make contact.  But its the kind of contact that seems manipulative to me, such as 'were we supposed to chat this week' when he knows damn well we weren't.  Or 'are you at work today' and when I reply with yes he says 'Oh I was going to call you if you were at home'...  To say I started to get fed up with it was an understatement.  Last week he done the 'were we suppose to chat' text message and I just bluntly replied with 'No'.  No contact since.  Then last night I sent him a text message to say I was available to chat this week or next if he was free.  After an hour and a half of no reply I snapped.  I text 'don't bother'.  He text me this morning to say that he was 'ill' and had gone to bed early and as I had said not to bother then he won't.  Well I let rip.  I am so sick of this person being a manipulative liar and being a selfish user that I seriously snapped and lost my temper.  He treats me like an utter fool, which I am not, and just give him more rope each time to hang himself with.  He hasn't replied to any further texts I sent which I don't expect as I have told him I no longer want him in my life and should he have any further crisis he is to turn to his so called other 'friends' as I am done with him.  And I don't feel bad.  I feel done.  4 years of this utter crap and I am so over him.

I have a feeling he has a girlfriend hence why the contact is sporadic.  I would even go to say that he uses a different number for me and only turns the phone on a couple of times a day to check for messages. Why he thinks keeping me or her a secret is beyond me.  I don't give two hoots if he has a girlfriend, I pity her putting up with him. Its just childish and pathetic behaviour from a 51 year old.  He used to do this 30 years ago when we were dating and saw other girls on the side which I caught him doing.  I really don't get why he is potentially keeping a girlfriend secret to be honest as I am married.  He will be forever on his own as he can't see what's in front of his face.  Ever.  Isn't it amazing that you can be an angel then fall from grace when you show displeasure towards their behaviour. 

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi insideoutside,

Sorry you're going through this.  It sounds frustrating.  Has your relationship ever been mutual?  Or has it always been either A or B...?
A.  You are "there" for him during times when he is really struggling.  He tells you how great you are, you feel like you're connecting and able to really help him.
B.  You are expecting that connection, expecting him to be present, but he's more aloof, and you find yourself chasing him, getting angry with him, confronting him, and having him make excuses.

What do you think? 

[insideoutside]

Hi insideoutside,

Sorry you're going through this.  It sounds frustrating.  Has your relationship ever been mutual?  Or has it always been either A or B...?
A.  You are "there" for him during times when he is really struggling.  He tells you how great you are, you feel like you're connecting and able to really help him.
B.  You are expecting that connection, expecting him to be present, but he's more aloof, and you find yourself chasing him, getting angry with him, confronting him, and having him make excuses.

What do you think? 

Both to be honest although more of A.  I’ve always been there for him, even during some pretty bad push/pulls earlier in the friendship.  But it always ends up the same.  Me getting frustrated with him pulling back and disappointed in his behaviour.  I’ve just come out of the gym and feel like crying.  I feel like such a bad person for saying what I said but I’m so sick of people using me then dropping me when I’m no further use.  I’m starting to become bitter.

[OutOfEgypt]

I get it.  Both from the perspective of a person (me) who was married to a pwBPD and someone (my wife, today) who has had a BPD friend, it is difficult.  Both for my ex wife and my wife's friend, there was always an expectation that we'd be there when they need us, but it was always one-way.

Do you think there's a part of you that has sort of "settled" for simply needing to be needed by him instead of having a mutual friendship?  What do you think would happen if you just moved on -not getting angry with him but simply accepted that it would be a one-way thing and let go of any expectations of him being present in a mutual way and stopped asking for him to show up?

[insideoutside]

To be honest out of Egypt I think I got too emotionally invested in his life.  Its very hard not to though when somebody is in constant contact with you and near breaking down.  I would really be worried sick about his situation and how he was going to get through it (still hasn't) and made myself ill with it all  and would lay in bed at night trying to work out how to help him.  I tried to help him so much and I guess I feel its been thrown a bit in my face.  Again though, maybe I was thinking of how I would treat somebody in that situation which is different to what I experienced.  I wasn't asking for him to be forever grateful but it did feel that once he got over his crisis I wasn't as important anymore.  I was very hurt when I found out he had viewed a property and dismissed it without even telling me.  I searched properties for him whilst on my lunch break and sent him the details etc. as he was worried he was going to be made homeless, so I was really quite surprised he never even mentioned viewing one.  I know if it was me I would be excited and couldn't wait to tell somebody who had tried to help me if  I also knew they would share in my excitement. Maybe my expectation is off kilter.  

I sent an apology earlier for the way I reacted yesterday.  I hate myself for the way I acted, it was wrong and I know it and took ownership of it.  He won't respond.  I know the pattern all too well.  But I know in my head it is better that we part ways as I can't keep taking on his problems as my own.  I have my own family to worry about.

I have major self loathing today about the way I handled it all.  Again.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi insideout, ugh I hate that feeling.  

Of course if would have been better if you hadn't lashed out, but it happens. You not only own up to it, but you've apologised and you feel regret about it. That shows emotional maturity on your part. I hope you'll be able to let it go with a little time, and to see it as part of your learning and journey through life. I was thinking when reading your posts, it sounds like you've given more that you had to give, that it cost you too much. Does that sound right? I say that, because I know I had a tendency to do so, and at some point I got angry that my efforts weren't appreciated. I'm better at it now, but I understand why you snapped. Maybe it a boundary / co-dependency issue? What do you think? I don't want to force anything on you that doesn't feel right, but it might be worth exploring a little.

In any case, I hope you feel better soon.

[insideoutside]

Thank you Scarlet Phoenix.  

I certainly gave a lot.  During his dark days I would talk to him on the phone despite my husband not liking it.  My husband doesn’t understand mental illness and doesn’t have much compassion with things like that.  However I put my friends feelings above my husband.  Plus I would get so anxious and worried about his situation I think I irritated my gallbladder and I’ve been having issues with that now a month after trying to help my friend.  I’m not sure if codependency.  I’ve said it on here before that he was my boyfriend during a great time in my life.  I guess having him in my life kept that time in my life alive if that makes any sense?  He reminds me of home.  Do you know when somebody says when they meet someone it’s like ‘coming home’?  That’s how I feel with him.   We had this same dynamic 30 years ago so I don't know I’m always surprised and upset when I find myself in the same situation each time.

I do regret lashing out as I promised him I wouldn’t do it again when I get frustrated so not only have I disappointed myself but also broke my promise which makes me feel like sh!t.

[insideoutside]

So I received an email from him today which said:-

You can believe whatever you like; youre wrong and I'm not going to explain myself to you again.

I will not tolerate your nasty abuse when you don't get your own way, and I'm not responding to your messages anymore.

Its very clear and obvious the friendship is permanently over.

However, I wish you well

I have no desire to respond to it.  I'm pretty sure he is narcissistic.  He never accepts blame for anything and he never apologises.  He's never really thanked me for my help.  So is he really any great loss?  He doesn't enrich my life in anyway whatsoever if I was honest.  I have a home and family and a job that pays my bills and affords me to have some little luxuries in life.  He is close to being homeless, unemployed (hasn't had an acting job in over a year) and has no family apart from a brother who lives miles away from him.  However, he comes across as more superior to me every time.  Lets see how superior he is when he doesn't have his lackey to fall back on in times of crisis.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I see what you mean by 'coming home'. I've had that feeling.

Okay, so you got a reply. He clearly is upset, at the moment at least. If he has traits of BDP/NPD, it could well look different once other external factors are different and he feels something else than hurt/anger.

What's important is how you feel. You don't want to respond, and that's fine. It's not a message that needs a reply. And you're asking yourself some important questions about how valuable this relationship really is and why you feel attached to it/him. Those are important questions. Only you will know the answer. Right now you are justifiably upset. Maybe you'll have difficulties hanging on to your decision when you have some time. If you want to cut the cord so to speak, maybe it could be valuable to read the 10 reasons we get stuck. It's for romantic relationships, but it might be something there for you. Or read up on the Karpman Drama Triangle, I'm sure you'll recognise some of your relationship in it.

We're here, whatever happens

[Cromwell]

Hi insideout

I know the feeling of not appearing to feel appreciated, my ex did tell me she appreciated what I did for her and I have not ever had a problem feeling any resentment here, but what she had difficulty with was dealing with a sense of humility and shame of needing this help in the first place to the extent that it became hard for her to articulate a thanks. My ex told me she was also not used to people doing things for her and not expecting anything in return, it became her outlook in life of the "way things are". That there is not such a thing as true altruism, and to a great extent, I feel the same that true altruism is very rare and that people generally are looking for something in return, this can even be tied into as much as recognition via a thanks and proclamation of gratitude from another, which is what you stated was an expectation - and it is a reasonable one that most of us would, it is culturally normal.

Can I ask one thing that stands out, I know that you say he has problems, but all else equal, he is a grown adult man and he is articulate enough to text and communicate I assume can use a computer. Is he really incapable of doing this house searching himself? I think back not to my ex but relationships where my partners were mothers, there was more noticable form of being "helped" in these relationships and it became at times irritating but I put it down to a cross over of having become accustomed to mothering skills and extending it to another. Just a thought, but everything else aside - can any of this be summed up otherwise in the form of - two friends of very long duration but there is a clash of differences in personality that is not giving the friendship the contentment you were looking for. People change, situations change and in life, friends can come and go. I know it is not easy but I would hold back passing too much judgement because there is a lot of conflicted thinking and regrets that flow through your posts. I know we talk of this often as having been "put into a fog" of manipulation but there could be a less sinister reason for how this has developed.

[insideoutside]

Hi Cromwell

Yes I understand what you are saying about him being a fully grown man and me mothering him but I don't think that's the case.  I tried to help him (or should I say fix it for him) as his head wasn't in the right place.  He would also call me and go through emails/texts he would send to prospective landlords as he is an unemployed person trying to rent a room in places which wouldn't accept benefits.  So its a difficult situation and one where if you are feeling suicidal a bit overwhelming I guess?

Yes there is a lot of confliction and regrets in my posts.  I am very hot headed and tend to regret stuff the moment its out of my mouth.  I also don't really judge him.  I have a lot of empathy and compassion for the situation he finds himself in.  I just don't appreciate his delusions of grandeur as it certainly comes across as he thinks he is the better person than me because I lost my sh!t with him.  He fails to see why I lose my sh!t in the first place.

Anyway, what is done is done.  I am not going to pursue him or make contact.  Yes we have known each other for a long time and I do actually like the guy most of the time, but its always about 3 months in when we are back in contact he starts to change.  He once said he had a split personality and I am starting to believe he truly has.

[Cromwell]

Hi Insideout

Is this what sounds like arrogant way he relates to you something unusual or has he been like this before. My mother has bipolar II for example, there has been suicidal ideation, then there are other phases where she comes across detached, without empathy, very arrogant to the world including us. It is a coping mechanism against suicidal thoughts. Arrogance manifests itself at times in depressed people too. I know little about split personality to comment but I think rather than just speculate, it is safe to say he is in a bad place, you have a lot of stress to witness it and deal with it as best you can - but try to take the disappointment less of a personal attack. Think of all the medical professionals who help those using their skills and how often this is not appreciated but the outlash they get. It is documented that depressed people isolate themselves, even from sources of help, could this explain the protracted length of time of how long he takes to text you? Im just putting out possibilities that I feel are reasonable based on the context. Interesting when you say it is cyclical, this affects my mother too, but she copes well with treatment. I just put out other explanations thats all, but how do you feel about encouraging him to get some professional help. When we talk about arrogance, I think back to how I helped my ex, I helped her when her jaw was broken and it was resolved. Helped her with her suicidal ideation, she was consoled and it was resolved. There is a lot of help I gave throughout, but there was a lot of frustration too when situations arose that really were beyond my capabilities yet I tried. I think im poising this same to you - do you really feel fully competent to be helping him with what you describe as 'difficult'? Sometimes in life we try our best but part of that includes calling in the cavalry if need be and knowing our own limitations? Hard to do when you factor in emotional connection, I know, but imagine stepping outside of it and seeing this from a more clinical viewpoint rather than that of a friend who is disappointing you. You did the best you could in a highly stressful situation insideout. Try to maybe consider his behaviour a likely symptom of a condition and I hope this takes away some of the hurt of deep disappointment taken onboard on a personal level.  

[insideoutside]

Thanks Cromwell

He was very arrogant as a young man.  He was a bad boy who dabbled in theft and drugs and would often have different girls chasing after him.  Every time we get to about the 3 month point he turns distant and when I raise it he turns arrogant, saying he is extremely busy and acts as if his needs are more important than mine.  When I raised my displeasure with him about a month prior to this latest episode I got told to 'grow up'.  Therefore totally invalidating my feelings.  With regards to your comment about him getting professional help, he already gets an awful lot of it.  At his lowest he was having therapy every day.  As I haven't spoken to him in a while now I am unsure how often he is going.  I know at one point when he was suicidal his GP wanted to have him committed.  Of course, I am not sure if this is all true now or not.  Somebody I confide in wonders if he used suicidal ideation to garner my sympathy.  Who knows.  However, I would always take whatever he said as the truth in case he ever did try to do something along those lines.

He has been off Facebook for about two years.  Guess who is back on Facebook; something he claims to despise.  No photo has been uploaded and its a very closed down profile.  It wasn't there the other day so my guess he is on the scout to find somebody else to take my place as his fixer/saviour.  I haven't responded to the email he sent and have come off of whatsapp to take the temptation away.  As far as I am concerned its done.  After 4 years nothing will ever change. 

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. 

[Cromwell]

Hi insideoutside

I think it will help long term to do what is necessary to stop you getting into situations where it has led to being made stressed and angry. I notice that it was hard for me to end the relationship, it took time even apart to re-adjust, but when I look back today at how much my health has improved, it is something that at the time I did not appreciate how damaging the r/s had become. Sort of get 'used to it' to the point of feeling can just keep going on that way.

I actually want to have a quality of life by the time I am 50 and there is no reason not to, but it involves having a long term view on life and for me a form of social policy that I just wont have anyone in my life that causes me stress, regardless of how needy they appear, troubled or otherwise disturbed. I did my quota, she did actually "say" she was grateful and how great a person I was to her, but words however sincere at the time do nothing in a practical sense, that was up to me when I also came to the same conclusion "nothing will ever change" and lost hope that it would have.

You might be fit and healthy now insideout, but stuff like this is a gradual wear down. You have helped him, I helped her, but it did cross my mind as to a scenario where I could be the one in hospital, or in the physicians office, and face the result of the emotional melee myself, and at the same time, blame myself - not her, for allowing it to get that far.

It has been a bitter pill to swallow anyway, I did not want to add to it anymore, it just becomes a delayed form of emotional therapy to have to get through for when that day of NC actually ever starts. I considered also other people in my life and how my health and mood being depleted had ruined the quality of those relationships too. I dunno exactly insideout, I think I just decided one day I did not want to live a life what seemed destined to be a mix of if not anger, upset, depression as a baseline and just a few moments of artificial joy thrown in to keep me hooked in with hope, 3 years for me, 4 for you, I look back and it feels it just raced by in a sort of blur. I feel zero guilt or regret - today - for leaving her. I did though, and I appreciate this might not be easy for you emotionally. The enabling in my opinion is actually a form of unwitting obstruction on the work done by the professionals who are trying to not only support but encourage the grass roots of change in them to take place. Why feel any need to get better if there is those out there all seemingly happy and willing to perpetually carry our burdens?

[insideoutside]

Hi Cromwell

Well its been nearly 2 weeks since I last heard from him.  I didn't respond to his email as quite frankly its pathetic that he feels the need to get the upper hand and believe it was his decision to end the friendship and I can't be bothered to argue with him about it.  And you are right; we need to look after ourselves.  I did make myself ill worrying about his situation which is completely insane really.  I can't change things for him no matter how much I would agonise over him ending up homeless or destitute.  He has the charm so I am sure he has already charmed somebody else in to becoming his fixer/saviour.

My 14 year old daughter is starting to become a fixer/saviour.  Obviously she sees my empathic side and/or she also has it in her genes from me.  Funny how I can tell her that this boy she likes is using her but she refuses to see it or hear anything bad said against him.  However, even though I know I was being used, I still kept on trying to 'fix' my friend and my daughter would tell me off for keep giving him chances.  You've gotta laugh at the irony haven't you?