uBPDh split his mom -- what do I do?

[Ozzie101]

Honestly, I'm not sure I should do anything. I'm just feeling conflicted and wanted a bit of advice.

My uBPDh and his adopted mother have a rocky history. They never really "clicked" and she's always been very judgmental. (Many of his insecurities come from her, actually.) I've been witness to some things and, honestly, I think she's got some disorders of her own (for instance, OCD). But, I also think he reads too much into a lot of what she says. Still, it's his mother. His relationship. I try not to judge or second-guess him. That's not my place and arrogant.

Here's the thing. He's having a lot of stress at work. A few weeks ago, he was talking to his mom on the phone and shared some of what's going on. She started offering advice. As someone who's been out of the workforce for 45 years, she really doesn't have good advice to give, but she gave it anyway. He got more and more frustrated and upset and finally shoved the phone at me. She sounded concerned and I tried to put her at ease before ending the call. He hasn't talked to her since. She sent him a Father's Day card, which he hasn't opened.

He's done this sort of thing before. He's gone several months without talking to her or his father (while he was alive)`.

Well, my birthday was last week and she sent me a card. I haven't opened it. At the time, I asked him what I should do and he just told me to do what I want (which is kind of a loaded statement, really). I don't want to go against my husband or make him feel invalidated. At the same time, cutting people out just goes against my nature. From what I heard of the conversation, she was trying to be helpful. And when, partway through the call, he asked me what he should do, I told him to change the subject or let me give him an excuse to end the call. He just went on with it and got more and more upset. So, I think both were at fault.

I feel bad letting the card just sit there without acknowledging (my "always write a thank-you note" training in full-gear). I also feel bad knowing we're his mom's only connection: no real friends, he's an only child. She and I have always gotten along well and I've handled a lot of the communication with her since it stresses him out. She and I don't have the complicated history so it's easier for me.

Should I ask him again what he wants me to do about the card? Offer to handle communication with his mom (making sure she's alive and in good health -- she's 80 and lives alone)? Just let it all ride? I don't want to intrude or overstep or create a triangle.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LoneRanger307]

Reading your situations, it sounds like you are feeling controlled by your BPDh. Am I reading that right? The boundaries he sets for others (i.e. his mother) become your boundaries. Did he ever explicitly tell you that YOU are not allowed to have contact with his mother, or is that just his boundary?

You say that "do want you want" is a loaded statement? What are you predicting might happen? What has happened in the past when your BPDh told you to "do want to want" and you did?

With relationships, its helpful for me to remember that I can form my own relationships with people, regardless of other people's relationships. For example, my parents have a pattern of totally cutting people out of their lives. People like my aunts, cousins. Now they're also mad at my FIL and husband... I decided a long time ago that I can maintain my own relationships with these people. I can call them, message with them and visit on neutral territory if I want. My relationship with them is mine, my parents relationship with them is theirs. You could have different boundaries than your husband has, if you want, IMO. This page might help you start thinking about boundary work: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[Ozzie101]

Thanks, LoneRanger. I do have a history of letting H control things. I'm much better about that now. The problem in this situation was, it was HIS mother. If it were mine, I'd have a much easier time handling it. But I know how difficult and complicated their relationship is and I don't want to make things worse.

This particular situation ended up solving itself. She called and left a message for him. He talked about it with me, saying he knew he should call but didn't really want to. I gave him some pointers for communication (he wanted my advice) and I gave suggestions. He ended up calling and talking to her and it went relatively well. Of course, all this will happen again. His mother's a piece of work in a lot of ways. H's obsession with weight comes from her. Constant comments about "fat people" when he was growing up. Constant criticism when he got a little overweight in college. One of the questions she always asks about her grandson is "Has he started gaining weight yet?" He's 8. And he's at a perfectly healthy weight -- slender and active. She just panics over the idea he might end up "big." (Which, unfortunately giving the genetic makeup on both sides of his family, is a very good possibility.) We just model healthy eating habits and make sure none of that talk reaches him. She has limited direct contact with SS8.

For a long time, when H was dysregulating regularly, it seemed like anything I did was wrong and could set him off. Particularly when it came to family stuff.

Thankfully, he's in a better place with that now. He still gets upset from time to time, but always cools down and goes back to his "You can have a relationship with me and a relationship with them. It doesn't have to be one or the other."

And yes, boundaries were a problem with me for a while. Thankfully, I've gotten much better about that. But, when he's getting into a mood, my natural response is to go back into protective/panic mode.