Trying to Move on

[2much2take]

I was in 9 month r/s with ubpd. In the beginning it was absolutely amazing...a whirlwind of just WOW! It seemed like we had so much in common and had the best connection. This was my first same sex relationship so I was really cautious and a bit caught off guard but I went with it any way. That is how strong I thought the connection was. About 3 months in there were signs of instability. It kind of started with sometimes my body just aches and I will sleep all day sometimes. Then she said she had anxiety and was once diagnosed with bipolar disorder but didn't take the meds because her ex fiancé said she didn't need them. However there was one statement that really stuck...I really think I have borderline personality disorder. I wasn't familiar with it and kind of brushed it off...I googled it and maybe read the symptoms. I literally had no idea it would turn my whole life upside down in a year. Then came the personality shifts...we could have a whole blowout argument because she thought I was too close to another car on the road or if my phone went out in a deadzone. At first I didn't think anything of it but then one night she had an anxiety attack that led to an ER visit where she went postal on everyone in there and then it always ended with you are gonna stay with me right? Then a major episode where she wouldn't let her kids leave the house to go to school and they call me for help...a ragestorm. 4 months in and one f her friends ask how am I doing and tells me most guys would have left by now (a message I missed). We seemed to get through all those things but I found myself becoming more and more unfulfilled and then we would discuss problems in a way but somehow the rules never applied to her. By month 9 we decided to take a break but talk weekly...well that turned into her disappearing for long stretches...needless to say the break turned into a breakup. She said she couldn't be what I needed right now and the timing wasn't right...normal breakup language. Then for 1 month I would get texts and video messages but we would never talk on the phone. She couldn't pick up her stuff because she wasn't brave enough...I still don't understand that. By month 2 she was dating some new guy and apparently was in love again. How could this be was my first thought before all this research on BPD. He was going to save her and get rid of her demons...he isn't the most upstanding guy but maybe. Now in month 3 she is sending me random texts that don't mean anything and all of a sudden liking and commenting on my social media. I did get a therapist and she seems to think that she is trying to suck me back in as I am now the backup. Does this sound familiar to anyone? I just cant believe someone would have their kids and mine involved in all of this. I really have been trying not to communicate at all hopping they would just go away. Maybe they want to be friends but why not just say hello instead of sending random pics of something or liking my social media from2 weeks ago...I want my old life back.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey 2much, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear what you've been through.  Nine months can seem like a long time, but many of us were in for much longer spans (13 years before separation for me).  I suggest you be grateful to be out of an unhealthy r/s.  now is a good time to employ boundaries.  What are boundaries?  See Tools button, above.

LuckyJim

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi 2much2take, welcome here!
I'm sorry you're struggling and I recognise the feeling of wanting your old life back.  Even if the relationship wasn't years long, I would guess it was probably pretty intens. And that intensity makes can make it hard to let go, for one or both parties. The aftermath of these relationships be quite tough. The break-ups are often messy and unclear, and a high percentage of people get together again with their ex more than once. What I'm getting at is that it's quite common that your ex is establishing contact again in some form. If your ex has BPD or BPD traits, she's struggling with abandonment and other issues and needs to have a connection with someone, and who she wants to connect with fluctuates.

You say you're trying not to communicate at all, and that is a valid choice. Non communication (NC) can help in letting go and moving on, and be a healthy choice coming out of the relationship. You might need to send her a brief, but friendly (if possible) message stating this. If not, it's just giving her the silent treatment, really. Also, if she doesn't know, she might not take the hint, and you'll regularly see her liking your posts or connecting in other ways, which is frustrating for you. You know her best, though, and you must do what you feel most comfortable with. What do you think?

[confused4now]

  , Welcome to the community  . I feel your pain! Loving someone who struggles with BPD is VERY difficult for both parties. I know it's probably very little consolation, but if you manage to not get into a cycle of wash, rinse, repeat you will be grateful later. I was in a 3 year relationship, that should have ended month 3, but neither one of us could walk away from the intensity. I thought marriage would add security and it would settle into something solid and stable (cart before the horse)
  After signing up LEGALLY my rollercoaster ride from hell got worse. Immediately the lying intensified, fights were constantly getting worse so the dicards were quicker and longer. My reactions vacilated, my anger went from mad to explosive. I felt like I was either his caretaker or his victim. My fantasy come true had become a nightmare I couldn't escape, the only way out was opening my eyes. Long story shorter..I couldn't hang anymore, he moved out, we divorced (within 90 days) only to wash, rinse, repeat fot the next 1.5.
  Good news, as soon as he moved out I slowly used my energy wisely by starting REGULAR active therapy. This opened a pandors box of emotions and solutions, a new journey began. I had a LOT of internal work to do, it sucks most of the time but the payoff is woth it. It's crazy he moved out 2 yrs ago and I am not the same person. EVER relationship dynamic I have has changed. I had  co-created the same toxicity with everyone else. I only have a few personal relationship now because I am in the place inbetween, I have cleared but not filled up a whole lot yet. I decided to not have relationships be my main source of happiness. I need a better job so I am going back to school in a few weeks. I am going to see who I will be after I take care of all the thiings I put on hold while I was trying to find someone to make me or them happy. It gets better . P.S. I have been N/C for 9 mos