How to repair the damage done to the inner self

[Cloudy009]

I don't know if I phrased that right but I've finally got to the bottom of the biggest effect my NPD BPD Mom and abusive father had in my life. They damaged my inner self and destroyed my self esteem.

My parents never hugged me when I was a young child. I was my mom's silent shadow who she would treat like a little adult and tell me every way to act and about my father's affairs. At 9 someone was sexually harassing her on the phone and she put the phone up to my ear so I could deal with it to.

Whats worse the few friends I had at a young age that my mother allowed me to have she was always telling me that 'its not fair of they leave you out 'and 'its not fair if they don't like you'. My father made sure to favor my other siblings and put me down.

 Never mind my house was a storm of rocks though windows and crazy arguments between my parents. Other kids were not allowed over. This is just my early life things got even worse.

 Although I still developed a strong set of morals and a strong sense of self I eternally feel like a bad person . I realize now this is a bpd flea. I also realized I've been running around like crazy trying to get self validation from everyone. I can't handle the slightest slight from a person I'm sure they hate me or and I become sad and angry.

I have even asked people if I said something that made them mad at me if they don't respond to a message after not talking to them for years anyway.
I give away everything to people and people will walk all over that. I know now my boundaries were all over the place in this way.

I've been dumping on people all of the drama of my abuse at times out of nowhere. I know some of this was a medication I was on which was making me slightly manic but it was also my inner self coming out.

I have a hard time grounding my self esteem and brushing things off. When your parents failed to not only develop good self esteem but taught you there was something wrong with you how do you build it in life internally because as I've learned you really can't expect the world and other people to build it for you?

[Tsultan]

Hi Cloudy009, I am here to say you can build your self esteem up even if you never had one to begin with.

 For me, first I acknowledged it then talked about it to my recovery group. I also did service work in that same recovery group which really helped me build my wings.

In my experience, Self esteem is not an ego building thing but more like the acceptance of your limitations of who you are with all your character traits. Good and bad. Its realizing that each character trait has a good and a bad side if left to run amuck. It’s about  being humble. It’s also an action. Put oneself higher on the list of priorities. Take care of your needs. For me, it was hard to stay resentful if I am taking care of my needs.  

It’s a process. But so worth the effort. You can do this. And I believe by taking about it is a great start.


Tsultan

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Cloudy009, 

You are describing such classic symptoms of growing up with a BPD parent. I can so relate! My mom was uBPD, and I also suffer from so much of the same things. Those things we learned in our childhood don't work so well when we get to be adults. It gets better as you continue on the journey of healing from all the trauma, but it does take time. It's a new way of life. Have you taken a look at our Survivors Guide? That is a good place to start, and it will help you to see the overall effects and help you to know that you are not alone. I also highly recommend Surviving a Borderline Parent.

Have you read any helpful books about BPD?

Wools