Won't Stop Even Though Boundary Set

[Light_walker]

I'm brand new here and am in a relationship with a man with, I believe, BPD. He refuses to accept that I was in (now divorced) a marriage and past dating with men other than my own race. I respectfully told him that my feelings are hurt when he uses pejorative remarks and equates interracial relationships to "dirty prostitutes". I don't know what is behind his feelings, but he point blank told me he would not stop using biased terms and if I didn't like it I could "leave". I told him I would have to leave the room if he would not respect my feelings and continue with such hurtful words and he said that if I leave for a few hours, days, weeks, or months, he is fine being alone and would shed no tears. I don't know what to do to overcome this and try to save this relationship. Any advice is welcome. Thank you.

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[Witz_End]

Sounds a lot like good old fashioned bigotry to me and the lack of consideration of how it makes others - especially you, as his partner - feel.

It must feel demeaning to you for him to judge and seemingly to imply "prostitute" in how he equates it.  That's not fair at all and you're right to value yourself enough to draw a line and opt not to be exposed to it.

Is this a belief/attitude you believe he holds consistently as a general attitude or is it a "temporary" thing used to get at you?

[Light_walker]

Hi Witz_End, I'm not sure if it's a permanent belief or not. But it is definitely being used to get to me. When we were just talking (before dating), he never implied or mentioned any bigotry, only once we started a romantic relationship did this surface. I am tempted to text his mother (in confidence) to see if this is anything she is aware of, but not sure if I should do that or not. Either way, I did set a boundary, correct? And if he crosses it, I should continue to remove myself from the room/space he is in?

[Witz_End]

I don't know how relationships are between you and his mom and his mom and him, but it could potentially get messy involving her.  There's a lot that can go sideways involving a person's family members, even by indirectly, in problems.

Think about it this way... you're calling his mom to essentially probe to see if he harbors racist tendencies.  How could she take that?  How could he respond if he finds out you're probing his family?

[No-One]

 Hi Light_walker:  Welcome!
 

I am tempted to text his mother (in confidence) to see if this is anything she is aware of, but not sure if I should do that or not.

I wouldn't bring his mother into the situation.  You would likely start a drama triangle.  Maybe the whole family is racist. 

He refuses to accept that I was in (now divorced) a marriage and past dating with men other than my own race. I respectfully told him that my feelings are hurt when he uses pejorative remarks and equates interracial relationships to "dirty prostitutes". I don't know what is behind his feelings, but he point blank told me he would not stop using biased terms and if I didn't like it I could "leave".

How long have you been in this relationship? You discover who people are over time.  BPD is one thing, but people with BPD still have their own values and morals (or lack of them).  These are all things you need to consider in a relationship, and if you have children.

You can't change people.  What attributes does he have that would make him a "keeper". 

[Light_walker]

He is very loving 80 % of the time. But he drinks and won't let go of my past, threatens to harm the ex, and ostracizes me for telling the ex an obligatory ' let's be friends' even though the ex was not good to me. He calls me a skank for being with another race and allowing my ex to exploit me. I also lied about a male friend because I knew he wouldn't believe we were just friends, so he holds that over me too. Says he doesn't trust me and never will unless I take a lie detector and answer all his questions and pass it. He doesn't say these horrible things unless he's drinking. I don't know what to do. He is like jekell and Hyde.

[No-One]

Says he doesn't trust me and never will unless I take a lie detector and answer all his questions and pass it. He doesn't say these horrible things unless he's drinking. I don't know what to do. He is like jekell and Hyde.

  Has he been treated for any form of mental illness in the past?  He is probably self-medicating with the alcohol.  Unfortunately, you can't change him or get him to stop drinking unless he wants to. 

Some people are very angry drunks.  I used to date one several years ago.  He eventually went back to church, quit drinking and married someone else.  Be careful.  Probably best to not be around him when he is drinking.  Although he doesn't say things about trust, unless he is drinking, he may be thinking about those things at other times.

Unfortunately, jealousy and trust issues are common with many people with BPD or strong BPD traits.  Even if he stops drinking, it could still be an issue for you. 

Someone acting badly 20% of the time can really wear you down.  Were you treated badly in your marriage or by family members in the past?

[Light_walker]

Dear No-One, he has not been treated for mental disorders but self-admits to being depressed, having thoughts that he may be bi-polar, had cutting issues as a teen, and, yes, self-medicates. After listening to the audio book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (on my 3rd listen...want to ingrain into memory), I suspect he has BPD. I do think he is thinking about these 'issues' at other times also as you mentioned. Yes, I was emotionally and financially abused in my marriage (was with him for 15 years, married for 3) as well as talked into things I didn't want to do and have had low-self-esteem, depression, and anxiety in my past. I do love him for all of the wonderful traits he exhibits most of the time and am hoping for advice and real-life examples from people here on this forum as to how I can set boundaries to help both him and me. Thank you all so very very much for the caring words, advice, and support. I'm so very glad I found this forum! 

[Light_walker]

Can anyone tell me the best boundary setting technique to use with an unreasoning, enraged BPD around trust and lying issues? Want to stay in this relationship but need help navigating.