Does my husband have BPD?

[Starbucks1234]

My husband has always had a temper and mood swings. His OCD became worse after the birth of our first child and he started medication to help.

After the birth of our second child he stopped taking Zoloft for ocd because he felt like he was doing well. Cold turkey. What followed was years of problems. Depression aligning with job troubles, he had an affair (with a married woman who remained in her home with her husband) and moved out for 4 months. Came back and continued the affair for another 6 months before getting caught. During the affair, I thought the only issue was depression so I was working with his parents to get him help. He was hospitalized once for suicidal plans and in and out of psychiatric treatment. He was diagnosed bipolar 2 by two doctors and later told it was just depression by others. He tried many medications and some worked to stabilize him temporarily, but time seemed to be the biggest healer.

I learned to forgive without getting the apology I needed but we never became close like we were. I believe he was still feeling guilty and ashamed and I was still mad and holding on.

In the last few months he’s having another episode (for lack of a better word). He’s isolated himself from everyone close to him and says he doesn’t think it’s working out with us and blames it on me not being the same and me not wanting to go anywhere or do anything fun(which is not true).

I read up on BPD and think he may have it. Here’s what I notice and I’d love to hear your feedback. Thank you.

> very low self-esteem, admittedly. Yet at the same time, he says that he is smarter than anyone he knows and there’s nothing wrong with him and he is perfect and does not need help of any kind.

> does not seem to have much empathy for anyone. Including the children. When our son was upset that he did not come to his soccer practice, he said that soccer is for girls and faggots. And he will come to the games but he has no interest in coming to the practice. Because he never played soccer and he can’t help him.

> he constantly has problems with random people. Employees, other people he interacts with. He gets explosive and blows up on them and is not able to maintain self-control.

> he does not believe anyone cares about him. Anytime I tell him that we love him and we miss him he says it’s bull%&$# and to leave him alone.

> his depression is severe. When he goes to bed at midnight or later. He sometimes will get up in the middle of the night and eat whatever is in the kitchen. And then he will sleep until he absolutely has to get up, sometimes it is one or 2 o’clock in the afternoon and sometimes it is later.  He will often leave the house and go sleep in his truck parked somewhere.

> mood swings are frequent and intense. He can flip out one day and say some really hurtful and intense things and then the next day act like nothing happened.

> blames everyone else for everything. Claims that he takes responsibility for his actions but really does not.  Is very one sided in his way of thinking.

> he definitely still gets anxious and panic. He will often times take a Xanax from an old prescription of mine or his current prescription of Clonopin, he takes that daily. He also takes Prozac daily.

 That’s all I can think of right now.  Thank you so much.

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[Ozzie101]

Hi Starbucks and welcome!

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with. It is possible your H has BPD, though we can't make a definite diagnosis. That would need to come from a professional and even then, diagnosis of this PD is very difficult.

Cheating, self-esteem problems, uncontrollable rage, impulsivity, deflection of blame -- those are all common to BPD.

But, regardless of whether he has it or not, you're in a difficult situation that, sadly, isn't uncommon around here. My own H isn't diagnosed and I'm not 100% sure he has BPD, but the important thing is, he has some definite BPD traits and the experience and skills on this site have helped me learn to manage and cope.

We can help you. If you want advice on how to handle aspects of your relationship, we can give that. If you want feedback on your reactions and behaviors and how you can adjust them to make things better, we can give that. If you just want (virtual) shoulders to lean on, we can provide that, too.

I hope you'll post more and share more about your situation and how we can help you. We're here.

[Starbucks1234]

Thank you. I agree that I’m not sure he has BPD but signs point to it. I am looking forward to the help and support.

[Ozzie101]

And we look forward to helping you.

blames it on me not being the same and me not wanting to go anywhere or do anything fun

This sounds so much like my H. If there was something he wanted to do but felt like he shouldn't (or should do but felt like he didn't want to), he'd blame me for it. He'll also just come up with strange things to pin on me. The other night, after a commercial on TV, he said "I haven't had egg rolls in forever. We've never gone out for Chinese, but then you don't like Chinese." I was nonplussed. I said, "I like Chinese a lot. In fact, as I recall, I've suggested going out for that several times but have always been turned down. It's not something I always think about, but I'd love to go get some sometime." He dropped it after that. Talk about odd.

If you'd like to share a little more, we can get on the path. Sometimes it can help to break it down into bite-sized pieces. For instance, is there an area of your relationship that, in particular, is causing you trouble that you'd like to address?